When do we Win?

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It’s the one thing all of us want to be on the right side of – Winning!

Whether as a student who wants to get good marks / perform well in the sport or art she is excelling at; or as a professional who wants to give it her best.

Be it as part of a home where we want our family members to do well always; or as part of a team where we want to do everything we can to win.

Look at any sphere of life, that’s what we are aiming for – to do our best, to give our best, to win.

Against odds, against challenges, against circumstances, against life at times!

But winning is not an ends to a means. Mostly, it is just a goal we define for ourselves to achieve. Once we are there, we move on to achieve bigger and better things.

And yet we believe that what we are pursuing is the only thing we should focus on, removing everything in front of us or neglecting the other aspects of our life and our world.

We go on a rampage with our focus, trying to do things in a crunched timeline, pushing ourself to outdo our previous achievements. Without taking a pause to reflect, feel happy, and be grateful for how much ground we have covered.

And we most certainly forget that it’s a process and not a once in a time event. It mostly happens on the edge, eluding us till the time it is almost certain we wouldn’t let go of the pursuit. And hence, very few times it is easy to achieve in a jiffy; takes even lifetimes.

What then, does it mean to win? Achieving what we set out to or measuring how far we have come from where we were?

I believe, it is the latter.

For there is no better yardstick to measure success than the distance we have travelled. We may still not be near our goal but we surely would have achieved far more in the journey to that goal. And even if we don’t reach where we want to, we would have made a difference to at least some folks and some lives.

And in the process, enriched ourselves for our lifetime and beyond…

Commitments

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Why and how we make commitments? What do we do to keep them alive? And how long do we keep going to keep up with them and achieve our end goal?

The last two weeks, after coming through a couple of examples of success that took forever, these questions hovered in my mind. Specially because, I got asked by 3 different, unrelated people about what makes me keep on writing this blog every week. And I searched within to find those answers.

The first example that I came across was of Jonathan Larson, whose life is captured well in last year’s acclaimed movie ‘Tick, Tick, Boom!’. As I watched the movie and then read about him (hadn’t paid much attention to the Broadway scene earlier), I came to appreciate the journey he went through in those 8-10 years before success beget him.

The second example was of Robert Pirsig, whose book ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ is one of my absolute favorites. Generally browsing about authors, I chanced upon his story, which I hadn’t read till date. And it’s fascinating. How the book was rejected more than a hundred times before it became the cult success we see it as today.

These writers, and others of their ilk as well as those who continue to amaze us with their perseverance in other fields, tell us one thing. About how important is commitment to one’s dream/goal/cause and if we must resolve one thing that we should absolutely not give up on, it has to be commitment.

To ourselves. To our dream/goal/cause. To the process we are following to get there. And to the people around us who believe in what we are doing and continue to support us.

Even if it is as small a thing as being healthy. Or as big as building a happy family. Or a successful career.

When I reflected and juxtaposed this with my writing journey over the last two and a half years, I realized that while I haven’t reached even within striking distance of my stated goal of writing a book (hopefully books), there’s so much more for me to do. And how I shouldn’t be swayed away or disappointed by the time I have already put in but rather view it as a practice run.

In fact, this blog as an expression of my thoughts is a vital cog in my writing journey. Something, that’s only helping me become better prepared to do what I intend to do and in the process, helping me try so many things.

Yes, I should find more time do write my first book. Yes, I need to start putting in some serious thoughts to shape up the unfinished plots and figure out the overall storyline. And yes, I must do this as quickly as I can.

But even while I get things in order to do all of these and perhaps more, I mustn’t loose track and wait for the ideal time. I should rather continue practicing.

For only when we continue in our quests and keep the flame alive, is when we can hope to find the treasure we are seeking…

The Logical Emotion

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I know this term may seem contradictory at first sight! But delve deeper, as I did, and there’s a lot of unearthing to do…

All of us live by the idea that we are emotional beings and do a lot of things influenced by the emotions that run through us. We also believe that if we remove emotions from anything, we become nonchalant and non-committal. Hence, it is almost logical to deduce that we go through our life journey in large parts guided by emotions.

But if we look at a lot of other things that we do, specially when it comes to our careers / professional life, we like to believe that we are being logical. Or for some of us, even in other aspects of our life, including in relationships.

We also generally go by the belief that most times when we get emotional, our logical self goes for a hike and we end up doing things which may not be in the best interest of ourselves.

But what if there’s a possibility of these two seemingly contradictory worlds co-existing?

This week, as me and my wife spent a lot of time discussing and debating on certain important decisions that could impact us for years to come, I came to realize that this possibility could be real.

We started off with the position that we must decide logically about our choice and hence dissected a lot of aspects to understand what will be the best choice for us. We discussed about our individual perspectives, collective thoughts as a family, and even from an outwardly point of view.

We laid bare all the possibilities of what could go right for us in making those choices and what could go wrong.

We thought about the impact those choices may have on us, our daughter, our parents and siblings, and weighed them on our barometer.

We looked at our choices from a professional and a financial perspective and also thought out different scenarios about what we want to achieve.

Eventually though, it all came down to emotions!

Behind all the logical thinking and brainstorming, we were somewhere also attaching our thoughts to our emotions. And those emotions were complicating the decision making process.

Finally, after a lot of logical discussion, when we couldn’t arrive at a clear decision, we resorted to the ultimate emotional test – what would make us happier?

As we judged the choices and let our emotions guide us to the logical conclusion, I realized that it was a combined play between logic and emotions that got us home. If not, we would still be undecided!

I recently heard from a wise man, “Bring your own authentic self to the fore everywhere, and you won’t have to maintain two different personalities at work and at home”. Extending it a little, I would add, “Let emotions and logic run into each other and help guide you to the right things in life, don’t try and keep them separate”.

Let life be decided not on the basis of one single thing, for it is as complex as complex can be…

Capacity or Constraint

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It seems like a long time ago. The year was 2002 and I was lodged in the Military Hospital (MH), Pune.

I had an injury in my cervical spine and was admitted and then transferred to MH Pune for treatment, as it was known for doctors specializing in orthopedics. There were quite a lot of us in that hospital then. Cadets from the National Defence Academy, Indian Military Academy, commissioned officers from different regiments and corps, non-commissioned officers from all ranks. Everyone who had some complication with any of their bones or joints inevitably landed up there.

With my robotic neck movement (it had been reduced severely due to the injury), I made some good friends within that circle. We used to have a lot of fun talking to each other, hearing stories, reading books, playing cards, and so on. What else could we do being in a hospital, all alone with only each other to take care for.

Apart from the many things we did in those days, I distinctly remember one observation. There were a lot of repeaters among us – people admitted repeatedly for the same injury/dislocation/fracture. We were looked upon with amusement by some others. But the thing to note was, many of those whom I met with such repetitive injury occurrences had one thing in common. They had all got used to living with their injuries.

For some it was shoulder dislocation or wrist or elbow dislocation. They would come into the hospital, get their treatment, get their joint back in shape, and go back. A couple of particular cases, which were very severe, had reached a point where the person could himself reset his wrist / shoulder and put the dislocated joint back into the socket…

Howsoever these people, including me, had got used to our often repetitive nature of injury/pain, it was viewed by us (and I am sure by others) as increased personal capacity to bear/handle/live with pain, but also as a constraint that limited our options within the armed forces.

While after a few such occurrences and the non-healing nature of my cervical spine injury led to I moving out on medical grounds, some of them I am sure continued and served out their full terms. What must not have changed though is the capacity vs. constraint dichotomy, which exists at least in my mind.

As I reflected on these thoughts in one of my quieter moments this week, I realized that there are other aspects in our life that place us in this dichotomy. There are many things that we have a great capacity for but some of them also constrain us.

High capacity to do the best in everything and achieve perfection constrains us from moving fast and breaking things. Or having the capacity to work well with everyone constrains us to sometimes not be our authentic self. Or capacity to assimilate knowledge and process it quickly at times constrains us from accepting the viewpoint that others may have.

Similar is the case with organizations. Capacity to endure mediocrity constrains output. Or capacity to do multiple things constrains focus on those streams which could transform the landscape. Or capacity to continuously succeed at any costs constrains the culture and how people feel about each other and their work.

The bottomline – as we move ahead in life, some of the capacities that we have developed also lead to constraints on other related aspects. We constantly live in such dichotomies and cannot escape them.

What we can do though and is important is to recognize which of those constraints are necessary to be removed. And then moving forward to remove them, even if it means developing a new understanding or unloading some of our capacities!

Bragging Rights

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The boy was ecstatic. After all, most boys his age wouldn’t have been able to win even 1 tournament at this age. And he had won the under-12 junior championships.

His parents were beaming. They had produced a prodigy, who at a young age of 9 years had excelled at playing table tennis. On the way to his tournament wins, he had beaten some other boys who were 2-3 years older than he was. Surely, they had a winner in their hands.

His coach was proud. He had honed the boy’s raw skills and made him adept at playing matches. He was surely going to win more, and with it would come the recognition for his coach also.

His friends were happy. They could now say that they were thick and close with the rising star in the school circuit. And they would often be able to go for these matches with free passes. Who wouldn’t want to…

The pattern of winning kept on repeating itself. Year after year. The boy became a young legend, ready to take on the world.

School finished, the boy entered a college. He could easily get in the top one on the basis of his sporting accomplishments. He had won the under-15 as well two years ago and was preparing to turn professional. They all wanted the best athletes to brag about their all-round personality development story.

Ultimately, at the age of 18, he turned pro. He broke into the scene with a bang and made a big splash. Ex-players were keen to take him under their belt and coach him. Administrators wanted to ensure they wouldn’t come in the way of a medal prospect. People around him always told him he is the best and no one can beat him.

This story kept on going in the expected direction for the next couple of years. The feelings kept on getting satiated and inflated at the same time. Of being more ecstatic. More sure. More proud. More happy. More confident.

No one noticed, but slowly that confidence and pride turned into a big ego. Also, into a boastful nature. The boy and everyone around him started bragging about how he was the best. How he could do no wrong. And how others couldn’t match up to him.

Everyone thought he could do it because it wouldn’t affect anyone. It was anyways just this one time. But those times kept on adding up.

No one paid attention to how it was affecting the boy’s game. How he had become over confident and dismissive of other players. And his coach. And his parents. And his friends. They all kept on feeding his ego. Because, after all, he was special.

And then, it all unravelled. With less and less practice and more and more distractions, errors creeped in. With less time focused on improving self and more in making fun of other players, small mistakes became bigger.

In the next tournament, the unexpected happened. The boy faltered at the finish line. But no one dared to call out his mistakes. No one attempted to talk to him about what was going wrong. They called it out as just a bad day and went about their own business. For, it was business after all.

As he played more tournaments, the performance bar kept on getting lower and lower. Slowly, those who applauded his every more, disappeared. Those who were close to him were shut down by him because he had always known that he was the chosen one, he was doing the right thing. Slowly, some of them went away.

Even this didn’t alarm him. He dismissed them as deserters and continued in his ways. He lost the touch he had in his game and became a regular, average player. While he chose to rest on his past laurels, others moved on and became better.

Ultimately, the one who was supposed to bring name, fame, and money, passed into the annals of time as an also-ran.

Only if someone would have taught him humility. Of being confident about himself but not being dismissive of others. Perhaps, if someone would have called him out at the right time. Things would have been different.

But alas, everyone was only interested in bragging rights…

Inspiration

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“the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something…” That’s how the Oxford dictionary defines ‘Inspiration’.

It’s a powerful word because it not only denotes a state of mind that is better than what most would experience but also promises an outcome that will be better than what most would expect.

It can be a boon for average humans, pushing them into a higher gear they didn’t know existed. It can be a bane for those who constantly seek it, for it eludes the most gifted sometimes.

We seek it in difficult times, when we need the strength to get by. We also seek it when the times are good and we need to go higher and farther.

The dichotomy is, it is easy to find and yet hard to internalize!

As I was ruminating today on a few events recently, I realized that we constantly seek inspiration. At home when we want to try something new, at work when we are wanting to do our best, on vacations when we set our life’s goals, in the middle of our busy life when those goalposts keep shifting or seem very far. Basically, in any and every setting.

And yet, while it’s almost always easy to find that inspiration, the difficult part is to keep that inspiration somewhere within us and move ahead with sure-headedness that the inspiration provides us. A lot of times, while we get inspired in the moment or for a few days, it isn’t sustainable to keep that inspiration going for a long time.

That’s why we discontinue our new fitness regimen after making that new year resolution. Or we find it difficult to give ourselves that 1 hour everyday to do things that we love to do after a few days. Or we give up on that new skill that we were so excited about in the previous year. Or how we just coast along at work, and in life, after a few heady weeks when we wanted to be our absolute best.

Only those who are able to sustain that inspiration within themselves, internalize it and make their goal a must-achieve one, and then work towards it diligently day after day, are the ones who benefit from that inspiration. Otherwise, most of us just move on to the next inspiration in line, trying to make ends meet.

To succeed in life then, is the best strategy to decide on what is most important for us and then draw inspiration to help us succeed within those sphere(s)? Or does it make more sense of going with the flow and living life, while trying to understand what really inspires us and then doubling down on it?

I don’t know. Different approaches work for different people.

What I do know and have realized is, whatever approach we take to life, it’s important we derive inspiration from anything that can push us, for everything that we do. For we do need it from time to time!

And for things that matter to us, whether at the outset or as the fog lifts, we must internalize those inspirations to make sure that we don’t drop the ball mid-way…

The Calm

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This one is not about the calm before the storm. It’s about the calm when in the midst of a storm…

In the years when I was in middle and high school, our favourite game used to be cricket. Whenever and wherever we got a chance, me and my friends would pick up a bat and a ball and start playing.

I still remember, in those days, spin was the preferred bowling style in our local cricketing circles and there were very few players who used to bowl fast or who could play fast bowling.

We routinely played matches against other teams and were always up for it. But there was one team which we were terrified of. All because of a fast bowler they had. None of us could stay put for long in front of this guy and would invariably fold up for a low score, squandering our chances of a win. And we never won against them, until one day.

That day something changed. One of our friends, from who knows where, got up on the right side of the bed and decided to face this bowler with calmness and belief. He showed us how he could play out this bowler, standing up to him, and that one innings changed that game for us. We won that match!

This week I got reminded of this incidence while watching some tennis. French open and Wimbledon have always been on my watch list every year. And as I watched some highlights and a couple of live telecasts, I was reminded of those cricket memories we friends still fondly remember.

As I saw some younger players go up against the top seeds, I was routinely reminded of how the calm within us, what we also call as belief, plays an important role in our lives.

Players who play well for a prolonged time and are termed champions, are those that have a strong belief in their capabilities and are ready to fight it out till their last breath. Even when the chips are down.

Those who challenge them, more often than not, play well for a brief period in that match, but then lose focus or get overcome by the nervousness within their being. On most occasions therefore, they lose.

Not to take away from them, because they at least are capable enough of challenging. But only those who are able to conquer that inner anxiety and are able to channel that nervous energy, end up winning.

If we draw a parallel in the professional life, there are few people who without worrying about others, focus on their work and do it sincerely in all situations. They don’t get perturbed by competitors or don’t give up when going through a difficult situation. Because they have belief in themselves and their abilities. Sometimes in their team also. And they come out tops.

Then there are others, who constantly worry about how others see them or how involved they are. They feel jealous about others who are progressing and instead of focusing on their unique abilities, spend more time thinking of how to improve their standing amongst others. These kinds, more often than not, end up worse off than where they began from because they are always anxious and never calm.

I could go on and talk about this in other contexts too, including personal relationships. What matters though is the bottom line.

For us to be a champion, we need to focus on our abilities and build them, believe in ourselves, and most importantly keep calm in between the storm. For that is what separates the champions from others!!!

“Little” Things

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Life for a lot of us is serious business and about those big moments. We live it with all sincerity and sometimes make it too stressful for ourselves.

But it need not be so always. I had this realisation this week through something which happened very casually…

This Friday, my daughter traveled in a metro train for the first time in her conscious memory. It was a usual trip with her grandparents and while I didn’t expect it, she was visibly elated at the chance to take a metro ride.

When I picked her up after the ride, she was ecstatic. On our way home, she talked about her journey briefly. She also kept on looking at the various under construction flyovers and ones where we had to cross under them, thinking those were for the metro and pointing them to us. It was a memorable experience for her and she expressed it openly.

As I saw her excitement, it took me back to the days when I first rode on an airplane and how I also had the same enthusiasm for sharing my experience with others. I was in my teens then and hadn’t ‘experienced’ life.

However a few years later, when I took my first metro ride, or when I first traveled outside India, while I was amazed at the experiences, I didn’t show much enthusiasm to share them with others but chose to keep them to myself.

As life has passed by, such smaller things slowly have stopped carrying the same significance that similar experiences carried earlier. I have become much more reserved in expressing them, perhaps considering them par for the course or just being too aware.

Maybe it has happened because there are other things which occupy my mind. And those bigger things prevent it from acknowledging the smaller things for a while longer than before.

Or maybe while there’s happiness in these new experiences, I have been corrupted and unable to give them their due.

Whatever it may be, this Friday’s incidence made me think about those little experiences. How they not only gave me happiness when I went through them but continue to remain fresh in my memory even now.

It also made me think about the many small and happy experiences I continue to have on a regular basis and how I need to be more aware of acknowledging them, sharing them with others, and being thankful for these small joys that life is bringing my way.

As it is many a times, profound things are often understood when we aren’t searching for meaning with a candle light!

The weight of expectations

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

2005 was an eventful year for me.

I graduated out of college, got my first job, had a whale of a time with my college friends, and had an amazing time on the work front. But it was also an year of disappointment.

After coming out of the Army owing to an accident, I had taken to 2 things. One was computers, which I was rather good at. And hence I chose to immerse myself into the field. The other was management; something I found affinity for and wanted to get deeper into.

With the last year of my graduation, I decided to appear for CAT, the common test to get into some of the best management institutes of India. I prepared for more than a year, burning the midnight oil to be ready for one of the toughest competitive exams in the country.

I was doing well for myself leading up to the test. I had consistently scored well in mock exams and had a good grasp of most things. I had also practiced a lot and was generally confident about my chances.

So were others. Most people around me believed that I could crack the exam. I got a lot of positive feedback from my friends, teachers, other students preparing alongside. And that all gave me more hope.

When I finally went to give the test, I was pretty sure of a good score. And was naturally aiming for the IIM’s.

As luck would have it, that day’s test proved to be elusive. I thought I did well but I wasn’t sure of how well. Eventually, I scored pretty well on the test scale but somehow couldn’t land an interview call for the IIM’s.

This devastated me. It was as if I was destined for a higher plane and suddenly the ground sunk. Most people around me also were surprised. They had expected I will be able to sail through.

I took it to my heart that I couldn’t fulfil others expectations. And that reflected in my behaviour and performance in an interview I gave based on those results. It was for a good college but because I was carrying a lot of weight on my mind, I didn’t give it my best and hence couldn’t get through.

This week, as I was listening to Carol Dweck, an American psychologist on the growth mindset, I realised that what had transpired with me then, was bending down due to weight of expectations I was carrying with me.

So even though I could have still done well and gotten through one of the other good colleges, I let myself down because I thought I had not met the expectations others had of me. Because everyone expected me to do well and I couldn’t, it disturbed me.

A lot of times we carry along weight in our mind that is borne out of expectations that we ourselves or others have of us. Sometimes it is explicitly stressed, sometimes self inflicted. Most times it is completely avoidable!

The easiest solution is to know that this weight of expectations doesn’t help anyone. Neither the person who is expecting and certainly not the person from whom things are expected. Even if it is oneself.

Better to just let things flow and live life with an attitude of trying one’s best and continuing even if the results don’t match what was expected…

Acting Fast and Slow

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We are always choosing. Between two or more things. Between what we believe are possibilities that exist for us.

Some of those decisions are easy to make. Some of them are difficult. Some of those affect just us. Some affect others also. Some land up right. Others end up being wrong.

However, we still continue to choose. Some of us make those choices based on what our mind says. Some of us choose what echoes in our heart.

This week as I deliberated within myself on something that’s personal for me, all these thoughts came to me.

I for one, make a lot of choices based on what my heart says. I go with my gut. A few of those have been wrong, a lot of them have been right. I like to act fast.

But a few times, I get stumped. Like this once.

Whenever faced within a decision, I naturally search within to sense which direction I am leaning towards. Depending on which option my gut feeling is very strong about and I am convinced about in my thoughts, I go ahead with that choice.

For a long time in my life, this used to be the only way I used to decide. Then, as I started growing up and faced life and failures, I realised that while it was my strength, if there is hesitancy or lack of clarity, I need to slow down and think through.

Over the last few years, I have been practising this. So, if I am not able to make up my mind immediately, I wait to get a better understanding and then analyse the possibilities to decide about the choices using my head. Again, some of those things have turned out well, some not. That’s how the dice rolls…

But this time, like only a few others, I am perplexed. And while being in this situation suggests it’s not a simple decision, what is complicating things is the duel between the heart and the mind. Both are pulling me in different directions.

In similar situations before, I have gone ahead and chosen quickly, prioritising speed of decision making to help me move forward. Perhaps also to put my mind to rest and work with what’s known to me.

But this time, I want to give myself time and take it slower than I ever have. So am going to run with these thoughts until natural clarity emerges from somewhere within. I know it will trouble me for a few more days but it’s an experiment to train myself to act slowly, deliberately at times, if the situation demands so.

Let’s see where I land. After all, what’s life without challenging oneself!