“The Price”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 20 years!

20 years have passed by after that moment when I first heard those words from a senior doctor’s – “It will be better for you to accept and get medically boarded out”.

The year was 2002, I was in the Military Hospital in Pune, having been on bed for more than 4 months. Hospitalized due to a cervical fracture, holed up with fellow officers, it was a feeling of helplessness, without a clear view of how my life post hospitalization will shape up. I had had multiple conversations with the doctors and while my condition had improved slightly, it was a long road to full recovery ahead.

It was then, during one of those mildly cold mornings, when the senior doctor visiting me broached the topic. I was taken aback. It wasn’t something I had prepared myself for. But he told me with a lot of clarity that while I will pay the price with a few lost years, it will be better for me in the long run with a lot of options outside the armed forces.

I took sometime to discuss, deliberate, and get convinced on the path ahead and ultimately decided to pay the price of those few lost years. I came out, adapted myself to a new life, and have had a lot of great experiences over the years. Have I lost out on something? Yes, probably a lot would have happened with my life if I had decided to stay back in the Army. But then, I took a call and decided on the price I want to pay.

As I was reflecting on this passage of time this week, I realized that we constantly take decisions and choose between multiple options, each of which extract a price.

Most kids who take up a sport seriously and choose to focus on it as a career option, pay the price of going through a disciplined regime, when other kids their age are enjoying a carefree life.

Most bachelors who choose to move out of their parents home and go to a different city for career prospects, pay the price of living uncomfortably when they could have had a more easier life.

Most people who move to a different country forego the familiarity of their own place and people they know, to venture out into the unknown world.

Those who decide to work in a role or job that is demanding, pay the price by handling stress and possibly later on with their disturbed health.

The ones who in their old age choose their home town over living with their kids, pay the price of being away from their son/daughter and their grandchildren.

It doesn’t mean that the price that we pay always takes a toll on us. It also gives us a lot of things. The kid who plays the sport well and learns lessons for life, irrespective of whether she goes on to become a champion or not. The bachelor who matures faster than the others his age and makes a mark on his own. The immigrants who gain great exposure and gather new experiences in a distant land. The professional who earns a good income and respect in the industry. Or the elders who enjoy their later years surrounded by people they have known over the years rather than being in a new place.

It is our willingness or reluctance to pay that price, that determines how our experience turns out. For if we choose whole-heartedly, we will make something out of it. If not, we can turn into a dud.

The last 20 years have taught me a lot of things. But the most important thing that I have learnt is this – whatever I choose whenever in my life, I must live that option completely, without thinking about why I chose it or what if I had chosen the other options. And definitely not worrying about the price I have to or had to pay on this path.

Makes life simpler and fuller…

What Changed?

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Picture this. It is somewhere in the 60’s. A person is sitting on a bed is listening to the radio, which is the primary mode of entertainment and connection with the outside world (apart from newspapers ofcourse).

The radio is playing an advertisement and right after that there is an announcement from the future by one of those mad scientists. The scientist proclaims that in the near future, we would be able to see live video feeds in our homes on a world-wide network which everyone plugs into and it will become our go-to mechanism for everything.

What is the likelihood of the ordinary man with his radio on, believing in this? I would like to think, very less. He may just ignore it all as rumblings of some stupid mind. He would proudly proclaim radio as the best thing that happened in his generation and get on with his work.

And now imagine that person, old, perhaps in his 80’s. Sitting in front of an internet enabled TV with a smartphone in his home controlling the experience. It has turned into a reality. So long for his proud proclamation about the simple radio. Heck, he can now login to any radio channel in the world and listen to it!

This is change! Guaranteed, destined, and having arrived within a single person’s lifetime.

What is amazing is, this ordinary person adapted to all the changes life and society brought on over the years. His life became better (or worse?), it became easy (or more complicated?), and it became more liveable (so we claim!). All those advancements, not just in consumer technology, but in every other sphere of life, resulted in massive shifts. And this person lapped them all up!

We, in this day and age, have stopped questioning what is possible technologically and have rather started to take bets on when will it happen. The pace of change has hastened over the last couple of decades and continues unabated. And we continue to adapt to it in the same rhythm, to make the best use of it as per our understanding.

And yet, the change which is ever so welcome in our lives, hasn’t yet permeated to the same levels in our individual thinking about how will the evolution be in terms of social context, behaviors, and motivations. We still believe that what has happened with us, the way we have lived our lives, is how the next few generations will also experience it. It has been true for most of us but there is no guarantee it will stay the same for our children and beyond.

This week, as I was talking to a friend about how the lives of our children will unfold, I realized that I subscribe to this theory of societal change and therefore, want to consciously not plan too much for it. Not that I have anything against supporting our daughter as she grows up. It’s just that I don’t really know how her life will unfold or what motivations will guide her choices.

I don’t know how she will want to live out her life. If she would even want any help from us. Will money be a useful metric for her or not. Will she want to have a stable career or be someone who would rather accumulate experiences doing multiple things. Will she want to have a partner or not.

I could go on with the questions. But you get the drift.

The choices she will make, I believe, are surely going to be different from the ones that aided my decisions. And it doesn’t make sense for me to plan for too much but rather adapt myself and support her in the way that feels apt for that time and to her mind.

Don’t know if what I am thinking is the right approach or not. What I do believe though is that our relationships and the society will surely change in the next 60 years, just like it has for that person who is now in his 80’s…

Love and Longing…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was the summer of 1999. I had just finished my 12th exams and was awaiting results.

With my eyes clearly set on joining the Armed Forces, I had not been preparing for any other competitive exams and therefore wasn’t too engrossed in the coaching classes as my other friends were. With a lot of free time to kill, I had gone to my hometown to stay with my grandmother. My Dadi.

She was my first love.

My parents tell me that she absolutely adored me from the day I was born and took special care of me. And I was so fond of her and attached to her that I would rather stay with her than go to any other place, even with my parents.

As I grew up a little and my parents moved to different places, owing to my father’s transferable job, it was because of her that I stayed back in my hometown. It was also my parents confidence in her strength and character to nurture and bring me up without having to uproot me at that tender age.

So, while my mother shuttled between two places and my father stayed alone at times, I was sheltered under my Dadi’s watch. She just didn’t take care of me but also taught me a lot of new things. Those formative years that I spent with her are forever etched in my memory.

Once I turned into a teenager, my father finally decided to move me from the hometown to a new place where he was posted. Although it was a difficult decision for both me and my Dadi, it was perhaps the need of the hour for me to have new experiences and learn new things.

The next few years we stayed in 2-3 places, and during all that time, we constantly visited our hometown for important festivals, special occassions, or simply over the weekend. In that period, as I made new friends and moved through middle and high school, I realized the importance of the lessons she imparted to me, which helped me grow as an individual.

All this increased the respect I had for her, multifold. While we were not staying together, I used to still cherish spending time with her on our frequent visits or whenever she came over to stay with us. We used to talk about myriad things, I used to tell her about what is happening in my life, tease her for her constant fixation with all things pertaining to running the house, play board games with her, and take care of her as she was growing old.

Naturally, in that summer of 1999, when I had nothing better to do after my exams, I decided to travel and stay with Dadi for a few days. During those days, she was constantly worried about the next steps in my life. I tried to explain to her my choice and the reason why I had chosen so. I also tried to assure her that she needn’t worry as I was a grown up boy now. It was finally my father who patiently explained to her my choice and convinced her about it. Finally, as she reluctantly calmed down, I heaved a sigh of relief, almost behaving as if I was through the selection process.

That evening, as I waved to her on my way out, something strange churned within me. We had both always been sad about parting, even if for a short while. That day, however, I felt high emotions. I remember thinking about it on the way and feeling uneasy. We eventually reached our other home, a hundred kilometers away, at nightfall. Winding down after dinner, I remembered her sad face and slowly settled down to sleep.

It was alas, the last time I had seen her alive. For that same night, we got news of her demise. We packed again and went back. I recall seeing her still body lying on an ice slab and everyone around crying and sobbing. Strangely, there were no tears in my eyes. Just plain sadness. I sat down beside her and prayed for a few minutes. There were enough people at home, although it was early morning, and a lot of them were consoling us.

But I had absolutely no tears. I was dumbfounded. It was my first experience of seeing someone who wasn’t alive. And that too, my beloved Dadi.

As a couple of hours passed in that trance, I kept rethinking about the last few days I had spent with her and various memories kept flashing across my eyes. It felt as if sitting across her, I had just been watching her sleep, like I used to do at times in a mischievious way to spook her. The only difference being, she could not respond now.

That’s when it hit me. That I had lost her forever. And that she would never be back. Realizing that, my dam burst, and it must have been for 30-40 minutes that I couldn’t stop my tears. Finally, I gathered myself and we performed her last rites later that day, bidding her body the final goodbye.

It has been almost 23 years. And yet, the memories still linger on. Her body may have gone but her soul persists in my concious and sub-concious mind. I remember her in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my stories to my little one. And I am sure, she does too, somewhere in the universe. For as much as I loved her, she loved me much more!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dadi. As we celebrate the week of love, I must call out to you again, love you forever…

What does it Matter?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The past week at work, I engaged on a new task, which was the first time I was doing such work. While it was exciting and enriching to do it, at the end of it, as I gave it finishing touches and shared the final copy with other stakeholders, a thought came to my mind.

“What if I had not done a good enough job”.

As that thought crossed my mind and stayed put over the night, a lot of aspects got evaluated. Whether my work was thorough or not. Had I taken care to structure it well. Was it impactful. And so on.

As I entered the weekend, I sat down to understand why this was happening and why did I need the validation I was seeking. It isn’t that I am afraid of reviews or comments, I actively seek them to improve my work output. This validation was a different kind – my mind looking for a positive acknowledgement that I had been able to get a new thing right, in my first attempt itself!

Was it because I was in a relatively new place and needed to prove myself (ok, 7 months old but still a relative newbie)? Or was it because it was a new kind of work I hadn’t done earlier (and perhaps it wasn’t for me)? Or was it just my mind playing tricks with me unnecessarily (it can do that sometimes)!

As I delved deeper, I realized that a lot of times in life, we seek external validation. It may be for things we want to do, decisions we have to take, or the manner we want to live life. Whatever it may be, we naturally feel better if someone else says a good thing about our thoughts or work. Or in a few cases, resistance or criticism forces us to improve ourselves or change course.

But does it make sense to do it? Is validation really important in our lives? What does it matter?

Well for one, it helps us stay within the limits of what others define as appropriate or correct. It pushes us to adhere to the established norms and do our best within those. It also makes our thoughts or work more acceptable.

On the other hand, it restricts new and fresh thoughts and approaches at times. It forces us not to stray from the beaten track, possibly resulting in mediocrity or less optimal outcomes. It also makes us risk averse and focused on immediate gains over long term benefits.

Maybe, it makes sense to seek validation in case we are completely unsure about what we have done. Or if we are doing something which is very critical and can benefit from other perspectives. Or if we want to take everyone along to achieve the common objectives through consensus. In other cases, it only adds more stress to the mind and heart and makes us jittery. We may be better off just doing our thing…

As the weekend ends, I realize that there will be times when I won’t be sure if what I have decided or worked upon is right or not. But then, even if it isn’t right, life will give me a chance to correct it and learn from those mistakes. And if I am even partially correct, it will help me improve my results by course correcting on the things I was wrong about.

Trusting myself and moving forward, I believe, will teach me much more than just feeling happy about others validating my work or thoughts!

Mentors

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Defined as someone who is an experienced and trusted advisor, it is a heavy word. Not only in gravity but also in intent…

A mentor helps us understand that which we don’t, and guides us to make sense of what is happening and what can happen. Often in situations that have us in a bind or cannot fathom.

In my professional life, I consider myself lucky to have had 3 such great people, whom I have turned to for advice and guidance. Having worked with them closely and having known them for a good time, I know they always have the right intent while talking to me. But what has helped me and motivated me to seek their advice is the fact that they empathize with me but at the same time show me the reality.

Over the last few years, as I have grown professionally and aged personally, there have also been instances when colleagues / friends / cousins have turned to me for advice. And while I wouldn’t venture as far to call myself a mentor to them, it is often a case of someone reaching out believing that I will hear them out and throw some light from a different perspective. This weekend, as I was generally recalling some such conversations, I was astounded by the responsibility they had or continue to bestow on me each time they reach out to me.

It is fascinating to think about, your persona assuming enough importance or gravitas for someone to talk to you about a seemingly difficult aspect of their life. It is enthralling and actually quite easy to give advice, for even if you have not come across that situation, you can always say something that may make sense.

But it is hard. And requires deep thinking if you really want to do it genuinely. Because the other person giving you this resposibility is expecting the right intent and empathy from you. Not only that, the advice they are seeking could help them become better or worse. And knowing that, suggesting the right way, with a personal touch, isn’t easy.

As I looked back at some of my interactions with my mentors and reflected on their suggestions, I was thankful they adviced me well. A lot of those conversations helped me not only immediately but continue to ring in my ears whenever any similar situation arises. Gratitude!

Qualities that hopefully will be by my side, as I go along and get more opportunities to help others…

Who to listen to?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This week, while spending some time with our daughter, we had an interesting problem to solve. We were having a conversation and while chatting about her room’s furniture, I told her that she should listen to us as we are older to her. She had a curious look on her face and rather innocently asked me, “Shouldn’t I also get to decide sometimes?”.

We chose to finally go with a mixed approach, combining both what we thought was good and what she wanted. But this made me think about the journey we have as an individual in terms of listening to others and taking decisions for ourselves.

We all go through different stages in life as an individual – a child, teenager, young adult, a spouse or partner to someone, a parent (well, for most of us), and then as our old self. Each of these stages teaches us something new but also forces us to think about who should we really listen to and how we should decide.

Like when we are a child. During that period when we are growing up, we are supposed to listen to what our parents say and ask us to do. Most of the times, we don’t decide for ourselves. But as we start approaching teenage, there are often situations when we are told something by our parents or well wishers, which seems contrary to what we want to hear. And while a lot of times we may do as told, it feels like “why am I doing this, when I would rather do this in some other way”. In these situations, we try and find some way of getting what we want. Some of us even rebel and decide that we must choose whatever we want to do with our life, without the interference of anyone. While some of it may be childish, it definitely helps us set ourselves up for the next phase in our life by slowly forcing us to think about what we want.

For as we grow into an adult, we are expected to decide on things on our own. Most of us, in this phase become more independent and choose and decide the way we want to live. This new found independence is a breath of fresh air and we make the most of it. We get into relationship(s), start earning, and travel to places we want to go to, giving us a new perspective about life. We mostly listen to ourselves in this phase, overruling others and following our heart, learning our way through life.

Then, as most of us get into parenthood, life takes a full circle. As our children grow and we guide them but also let them discover for themselves, we learn to adapt. There emerges some understanding within us that at times, it is better to listen to what our parents, elders or well wishers have to say. We start understanding the need for a guide and well wisher. At the same time, we also realize the need for the child to develop her own thought process and build herself. And this gives us a new perspective about how to balance who we should listen to. While we are still our own person, we learn to listen at times and understand the other lens.

Finally, when our children grow older and enter teenage / adulthood, we start working with them as partners and slowly start relying more on their decisions. This new phase teaches us new things about how to decide for ourselves but also factor in the choices of others in our plans. And how to take everyone along in a positive direction without fussing about the details. This is when we let go of our independence at times to let others decide for ourselves, knowing that they have our good in their heart or mind when they are making that decision.

This shift in perspective from being a child to a parent and then to an elder is just amazing. It rounds up our journey of development as an individual, shifting us from the dependent to independent stage at first, and then helping us switch gears between the independent and semi-dependent orbits, as the situation demands. It not only changes us an individual but also our approach to life.

This is why we call it maturity. Because, it takes time to mature. After all, character doesn’t get built in one day!

Superpowers.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are times in life when something unexpected happens, which may not be good but still turns out well…

Earlier this week, as I got detected with the famous virus that is fast becoming a long friend with humans, I experienced one such moment in life. Unexpected, uncalled for, unhinging.

And yet in some ways, reassuring.

I know there is a dichotomy here! Let me explain…

As I tested positive with only mild symptoms and then progressed well on the way to recovery, it was a few days of “taking it easy”. In these last few days, isolated in a room with nothing else to do except reading, watching, listening, and thinking, I got ample opportunity to reflect on some of these life’s vagaries.

What definitely helped was that no one else tested positive at home, and my symptoms were mild enough to not worry. Perhaps someone else with the virus but with difficulties or higher severity may not empathize with what I am saying here. Not disrespecting them. I have all the sympathy for those who have had a tough time. But then, all of us have our own experiences and perspectives and I am recounting mine.

So coming back, as I was speaking to a friend about how I was doing, we conversed about how this can be a blessing in disguise. He mentioned that I was now endowed with a superpower against the virus and I could now be less worried about contracting it for at least some time. While I listened to his statement and laughed it off, I realized that is was true scientifically. And that’s the reassuring bit.

But as I thought deeper about it, I realized that life offers us opportunities to gain these superpowers. Specially so, immediately after something unexpected has happened.

Like after we are down in the dumps and have had a massive fall, we become aware that the only way from there is up. We let go of our fear of failing anymore and set our sight on succeeding again. Superpower to control our own destiny and of those who are associated with us.

Or after we have had a health scare and decide to be fitter and take our health in our own hands. We let go of our unhealthy lifestyle, change our habits, and discipline ourselves on an everyday basis. Superpower to improve our life at all costs and live longer.

Or after we come out of a self-imposed bout of anger and jealousy post a big fight and decide to mend ourselves to not go into the same direction again with the same person or with others. We slowly learn to control our mind and behavior and not get flustered in such situations again. Superpower to help ourselves and others in all situations.

Or after we let go of lethargy and inertia and pick up the pen/brush/lens or whatever tool we may have in our arsenal, to devote time to things we love to do. We enjoy those few moments spent in creating something or working on the hobby we find pleasurable. Superpower to be happy at all times and live well.

These are all superpowers because we want them in our life at all times, with all their might. If given a choice, we wouldn’t part with even one of them, ever.

The interesting thing is, all of us have had these superpowers at least once in our life. But somehow, implored with life, we chose to give them away. Unknowingly. Unwittingly. Unintentionally.

Hopefully, the next time we gain any of these superpowers, we recognize the opportunity and don’t let them go off into the ether…

How far would you go?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

On everything? Really. Have we thought about it?

On life. Should I want to live life king size at all costs and be ready to do whatever may be required for it? Or should I be ready to draw a line somewhere and stay within that for my own heart’s sake?

On work. Should I compete with all others and do everything that’s required to reach the summit? Or should I balance things with a perspective of reaching where I intend to reach, without considering myself in a race?

On relationships. Should I do everything to take care of my relationships and maintain them, come what may? Or should I accept the strain or tension that some of them may imply, either vitiating myself or severing those ties, if it ever comes to that?

On health. Should I adopt habits that help me take care of myself for years to come and be conscious of my lifestyle choices even at the expense of my happiness? Or should I not worry too much about it and enjoy things that I like and live as I want to, postponing the worries to sometime in the future.

On wealth. Should I focus on earning more and saving more to ensure I can live comfortably later on? Or should I spend on things I want right now and assume the future will sort itself out and we will cross the bridge when we get there.

On ethics. Should I always have a upright stance on everything and morally do the right thing, even if it lands me in trouble or pulls me back? Or should I be ok to tweak things a bit to benefit myself in the spirit of being always successful?

On feelings. Should I be straight forward with them and let them be visible to others, even in difficult times? Or should I hide my true self from the world and put on a game face if required?

These are all difficult questions. Perhaps with no right answer.

This week, as I went through life in the wake of the new year, some of these thoughts occurred to me. Not in terms of making decisions about these points myself but generally, as something that I haven’t thought about explicitly.

Yet as I reflected more, I realized that most of us make one or the other choice on these spectrums in different points in our life. Some of these choices are made explicitly and some implicitly.

What matters is the understanding of the mechanism we use to make these choices – the inner workings of our head and our heart, combined with our circumstances and the atmosphere around us. Along with complete ownership of our decision and consciousness about our choices.

For that helps us be truthful about whether the choice we made was right or wrong, depending on the results and the path it led us to. And more importantly, allows us the freedom within to not be trapped eternally within those choices but to make corrections if needed or choose the next fork in our life’s journey…

Time

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As we enter 2022, it’s that time of the year when we feel the most hopeful, the beginning…

With the new year’s greetings posted and pictures of the recent vacaction or family time shared, everyone looks forward to what the new year holds in store for them. We make plans for the coming months and adopt resolutions that we hope to stick to forever.

And yet, time is an ironical friend!

It takes away at times, it gives more at times. It helps us experience highs and lows of life, sometimes all within a short span. And it certainly seems like the easiest thing to manage but is the most difficult to handle.

As we were winding up 2021, this apparent truth hit home for me.

We had planned for some travel in the new year to spend more time with our parents but with the oncoming rapid surge of the third wave in India, we decided to cut short our visit and return to base immediately, lest we get caught in the middle.

As the decision was taken within a span of 2 days, the earlier thought out plans all came to nought. Naturally, it wasn’t a great feeling for us to cut short a well planned out visit and neither was it for our parents. While they supported our decision to return, we could understand they ruing the missed opportunity of staying together longer.

While we proceeded with our new plan and are now back home, it reminded me of how often we take time for granted and instead of making the most of what we have on hand, plan ahead for the days and months to come. Sometimes too far in the future.

How we curtail things that we ought to do with our loved ones because we want to prioritise our time on seemingly more important things. Or how we take our relationships for granted and instead of investing time on them, try to put them into autopilot. Or worse still, cut ourselves off from others on the pretext of being busy with work and then drift apart from those folks.

So, as I entered the new year and was on my way back, while putting together in my head a broad plan for the year, I also resolved that I will spend more time with those who matter to me. In person, on the phone or on video calls, and through messages. Not only on weekends but also during the week, taking out time as I may be able to. Perhaps only for small things but nevertheless.

I know it will be difficult. But will strive to as much as possible. And hopefully, as the year goes by, will have a better feeling about how I utilized my time!

I am Quitting.

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

It’s been 2 years! Since I started writing this weekly blog every Sunday. Not an instalment missed over the last 104 such occasions.

There is a feeling that has come in sometimes though. Of what to write about and how to express it authentically. That sounds like me. Week after week. And that feeling sometimes also extends to questioning about what am I gaining by writing this weekly article.

It hasn’t helped me in my self-stated goal of writing a book. I have been writing something that may take shape of a book for these last couple of years but the story is still getting formed in my head. To make matters complicated, there are 3 or 4 stories that I keep grappling with and swing between which one to flesh out more. Or to make them sub-plots within a bigger one.

Then there are all those people (cannot count them on my fingers), who have told me to in fact channelize my thoughts into something concrete, rather than let them flow in to this weekly blog. Creativity is limited, is what I keep hearing too often.

More importantly, there are so many other things that I could be doing on a Sunday night instead of writing a blog which only manages to reach a few people but forces me to think and put into words all those thoughts that are running in my head that week into a short burst, exposing my inner self.

Worse, I have declared myself a “Budding Author” on Linkedin. The one lone social network that I actively use and where people who know me associate my being to who I am. Committing myself to be known for something that must happen sooner than later and justify the declaration in my profile’s title, lest I be known as an also-ran.

There are countless other things that I am not putting down here. Those, which have compelled me to re-think. And to quit doing what I have been doing on this forum since 2 years.

And therefore, as we enter the new year, I have come to a decision.

Of proving all of those things wrong! And to quit thinking about them!

Because, irrespective of if and when I do write my book or books, and whether I am able to publish them or not, these weekly blogs allow me to express myself. Not to others. But for myself.

This blabber does take effort and re-writing at times, which may perhaps be reducing my creativity, if at all, but is also helping me unshackle the chains and think about what I want to express and how.

And critically, by enforcing this schedule of every Sunday, helping me be disciplined about my writing effort. Without worrying about the end goal and how soon I prove myself to the outside world.

I don’t know if the bud I have planted in my Linkedin title will flower or not. I do know for sure thought that it has germinated. And sooner or later, without being bound for time, it will flourish if I continue tending to it.

The countless other things or even any important ones that may come up in the future, won’t matter even an ounce if I chose so.

So, as we close the books on 2021 and enter 2022, my resolution for the year ahead is to continue chipping at my craft, hone my skills, persevere with my efforts and not worry about proving myself all the time, nurture my dreams and let them blossom on their own, and be happy in the success I achieve, how so ever small they may be!

Now this could apply to so many things we do in our lives…