Family

Connections and meaning…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We make them. We break them…

We sustain them. We ruin them…

We nurture them. We ignore them…

It’s one of those dichotomies of our life, where this very word conjures both happy and sad feelings in us. For the same people, or the same surroundings, but different feelings in different times!

Nothing unique about it though. It’s the same dichotomy that surrounds love and health. They both make us happy or sad at different times for the same reasons.

However, coming back to connections, as I unwound during the year-end break and reflected on the last couple of years of my life, this was my big realization.

I had not made many new connections. I had not sustained some of the older ones well enough. And I had not nurtured those that are dear to me.

Not that I wanted to intentionally land like this. I had made efforts all this while to ignore precisely this situation. But life had taken its toll. I had flown with the daily turbulence of life and had unknowingly been busy paddling all across.

As I reflected on these thoughts, it occurred to me that this wasn’t the first time it had happened. And it probably wouldn’t have been so stark a realization, if not for my current state of mind. A mind which is seeking meaning.

As I thought about how I want to make the new year different and my life more fulsome, I came to one non-negotiable conclusion. That I have to make new connections, sustain those I have, and nurture the ones I really care about.

For what is life without being and remaining connected!

Circle of life

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Hello! It’s me. You may not recognize me but I am your child. It’s just that I am still an embryo…

I was conceived a few days back and am eagerly awaiting my journey through the next few months to come into this world as a fully formed human. In this time, I am sure I will develop myself into a baby and when I come out I will be the apple of your eyes.

I know, you will already be wishing for me! I am surely excited about the prospect of meeting you, my parents.

*****

I got worried the other day, when I heard someone close enough to you whispering slowly, “Are you wishing for a girl or a boy”? I didn’t get the reference. Is it that me being a boy or a girl will in any way lessen my importance in your life?

What does a boy or a girl even mean? Is it supposed to denote someone who is or isn’t wanted? Or accepted? Or constrained?

Oh, I heard someone call you also a girl, Mom! So does it mean you are also a girl? We could both have so much fun! Not to keep dad away, I believe he loves you so much. And if he loves you, he will love me also I am sure. So, we will be a happy family.

*****

I finally came out into the world today. Yooohooo!!!

I cannot see much, it’s all hazy. But I could feel the tears rolling down your eyes onto my face and the kisses dad showered on me when he took me in his arms for the first time. And I heard some words of praise. I am one lucky girl.

Thankfully, all my fears were just figments of my imagination. I am your girl…

*****

It’s been a few days that I started going to school. My day at school is always amazing. I meet so many friends!

I remember on my first day, I was so sad when you and dad dropped me in the morning. However, once you left, I got curious to see so many other kids, just like me there. We all played and enjoyed together. And now, going to school is my favorite thing to do.

*****

Ma, it’s been one hell of a ride, this last year at school. We were all so sad letting each other go onto different paths we have chosen in our lives. I am particularly sad about the two best friends I have had for all my life. We have vowed to stay in touch forever.

At the same time, I am so excited to go to college and have new experiences. I know, you will be sad seeing me go but don’t worry. I am going to keep coming back every few months. And I am sure dad and you will visit me more often than not. After all, none of you can have enough of me even after 18 years 🙂

*****

Dad, it’s my pleasure to invite you and mom to my graduation ceremony. I am passing top of my class and have also got a job offer, to join work a couple of weeks post college.

Can we please plan a holiday right after it too? I want to spend time with you both before I join work.

Your loving daughter…

Mom, Dad: I am so thankful to you for raising me the way you did. I know you both feel proud of me and I promise to prove you right in every way I can

*****

Dad, I am so happy that I am getting married today. And glad you both agreed with my choice!

I am sure I have the best parents in the world. I know, I haven’t spent a lot of time with you both over the past couple of years. I can blame it all on work and being with my Prince Charming.

But no, it isn’t just that. I should have taken out more time over the last few years but I didn’t. Hoping I learn from this mistake and spend more time with you both in years to come…

*****

It’s been ten years since my marriage. My parents have aged beautifully. And I have been able to live up to my promise of spending time with them.

Today, when I told them that I am going to be a mother soon, they had the same tears of joy that I had experienced when I was a baby. I am sure, I will experience the same emotion when my baby comes out.

And I will provide for her the best possible of everything. For, she will be the apple of my eyes. And we will be a happy family…

Lovingly, yours…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Rain was coming down with a patter on the streets. It was late and the man inside the car knew it.

As his car rushed through, piercing the silence of the night, he could almost feel the closeness of being home. His body was tired and his mind was overworked after the long trip. His heart was however longing for the known touch.

In a few more minutes, he got home. As he parked and went inside the house, there was a hushed silence. Everyone had slept off, rightfully so. He didn’t want to disturb his parents, wife, or the kids at this odd hour. So, he silently got in and used the guest room to change over. This was a routine affair for him.

Coming out of the shower, his mind reminded him of the fact that he had not slept properly for the last couple of days. Again, a common feeling, which would have led him to his bedroom. His heart however, moved him in another direction today.

He slowly entered his children’s room and saw his daughter and son sleeping soundly on their respective beds. He slowly sat down beside his daughter and pecked her on her forehead. In her sleep, her face brightened up and she held his hand, not wanting to let it go. He remained like that for a while, until he was sure that she had gotten back to her fairly land dream world.

He went over to his son, tucked him in nicely and stroked him, pecking him too on his forehead. His son turned over to the side and half opened his eyes. Not realizing it was dad, he again closed them and went back to sleep.

With a smile on his face, the man came out of the children’s room. He longed for these moments with his children, when he could be with them without any worries of the world.

Then, he cautiously opened his parent’s bedroom door. They were both light sleepers, and he didn’t want them to get a hint. He saw they were comfortable and closed the door. There was always the morning to meet them.

Finally, he went over to his own bedroom. His wife was fast asleep. He lay beside her, hugged and kissed her.

He had a lovely family. If not for his work, he would have liked to just hang around them all day long. He had been planning to do that soon enough, after all he had been working hard for almost twenty five years. He had thought he will take up a less demanding role, without travel, and slow down his life.

With these thoughts he passed out…

Next morning, as he woke up there was commotion all around. The kids were off to school, the wife was busy with household chores, the parents were just returning from their morning walk. He freshened up and came out. Just in time to wave a bye to his kids going out through the door.

As he sat down with his parents and his wife joined them too for the morning tea, he was back in familiar territory. This was home, his folks. A few minutes of chit-chat covered a couple of anecdotes from his trip, recent happenings in the house, and an upcoming social gathering at their cousin’s place.

The tea had finished. It was time to go and get ready. Everyone sitting there expected it.

But today was different. He didn’t get up. Instead he continued sitting there, chatting about other things. It was as if time didn’t count for him somehow. As if it was that rare holiday or the weekend when he had decided not to work.

His wife had a surprised look at her face. So did his parents. He looked at them and understood.

Leaning forward on his chair, he announced that he had decided he could skip the rest of the week at the office, taking time off completely, to be with them. Yes, there were some internal meetings. But they could happen the next week also.

He had envisioned this some times, while on a flight. But had always casted it away as a wishful dream. But now that he actually put words to the thought, he felt liberated. From the load of always taking his work more seriously than anything else.

His folks were elated. The conversation turned to the day’s plans, what they could do over the weekend, and how he could surprise his kids after their school…

He had always loved them all. But today, they had felt, perhaps after a long time, that he was lovingly theirs…

Playing the long game…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This past week, I had three instances when I was talking to someone about how I am working on my first book.

As I wrote earlier, I have been inspired by my dad’s will to finish and publish my grandfather’s magnum opus. With this inspiration, I took it upon myself to translate the book, originally written in Hindi with Sanskrit words, into English.

I chose English because that’s how I think and write. But more importantly because I feel that will help me expose the book to a far wider audience.

As I was talking about it this week, it felt good that I am able to contribute to this legacy that our family holds.

Then, as I reflected back on those conversations, I realised that it isn’t just because I am contributing but also because I am picking up a challenge!

The challenge of translating my grandfather’s poetic flourishes into an equitable prose form. Translating a story steeped into mythology into something which is perhaps more relatable to the current generation.

While these thoughts were overwhelming, I also echoed the goals I have set for myself during these conversations.

This year is dedicated to understanding the original version. The next year is meant to start translating and writing down portions. And the one after is when I hope it will all come together.

By breaking down my ambitious take into smaller goals, I feel I am helping myself. To be able to measure progress in one’s pursuit is helpful and I should be able to do that with these goals.

I may slip a bit sometimes. For example, I haven’t been able to spend any time on the book reading with my dad for the past three months. But I know that having gone through sixty percent of it, I have time to do it before the end of the year.

Maybe I will slide some more and miss some goals. But I will continue to strive to keep myself in pursuit without too much deviation.

For playing the long game requires planning and patience…

It also requires to be appreciative of the phases when things don’t go as per plan. And then recover and start again.

Something worthwhile for us to think about in general in our life!

“Breaking up”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

No, I am not only talking about the kinds that come to our mind immediately…

Well, matters of the heart between two lovers are of course a much more difficult topic to deal with. A subject that can be written about endlessly and has been explored in depth by much more accomplished writers and thinkers.

So, the only thing I would like to mention on that aspect is that we have increasing rates and decreasing remorse. Something, that shows either we are becoming more experimental by nature or that we are becoming more intolerant.

But I am more interested in talking about the general culture of breaking up. Something that’s quite visible these days.

These are break-ups between friends, between siblings, between parents and children – human bonds which seemed made on another planet.

We as a society and as humans are drifting apart. In our thoughts. In our minds. In our behavior. And in our actions. We are becoming more intolerant of other views. Of other’s perspectives. And of other’s preferences.

And that is leading to breakage of long-held bonds!

Friends don’t talk to each other over a small skirmish and give up on that friendship that they held close to their heart for so long. Or they hold that grudge and increase the distance between each other, giving up on the string that pulled them both through laughter and sadness. Without realizing if it was worth it.

Siblings have always fought. Specially so in their childhood. But now they are fighting way too often over frivolous things, while being grown ups. Which ought not to matter so much in the grander scheme of life. But matters for some strange reason in that ephemeral moment when they must prove that their argument holds more weight. And then post that moment, the only way ahead between them is down.

Even parents and children are growing apart in some cases, which is quite shocking. May be due to mismatched expectations and thoughts or due to the age/cultural differences with the idea of living life on one’s own terms. Now, that’s a bond that forever existed and will continue to be and breaking up isn’t even an option. But then, such is life and we definitely have the capacity to surprise ourselves as people. So instead of talking things through with each other, we hold it in our heart and let it play with our mind.

These things I am talking about aren’t a figment of my imagination. They are happening around me and I am writing this with pain in my heart on having witnessed some of these situations first-hand.

We celebrate these relationships and friendships with special days. And yet, there are so many of us who aren’t going to celebrate knowing someone, somewhere. Because, well, we decided to break up!!!

Loss

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a gloomy day with no harbinger of hope. The lady, middle aged in her appearance and demeanor, stood near the door.

The door of their home. With eyes longing to see him turn back and return to where he belonged.

But those feet took him further away with each passing second. His mind frozen, he had resolutely moved ahead.

As she saw the van pull away, she wiped her tears and went back inside. The house was empty. There was no one there.

They had no kids. Not many friends either. They had been in the same area for a few years but didn’t have any family there.

She sat down in the armchair near the window and looked out. It must have been a couple of hours, for next she heard the call for the daily prayer from the nearby temple.

The next few days were a blur. She carried on with her life, utterly sad. For what was hers had been taken away. A part of her identity was lost.

How she wished she had done something with this aspect of their life in all those years when they were caught up in working hard to make their life better.

As she continued to reflect in the aftermath of the mishap, she realised it was a gradual fall into the abyss.

With both of them busy with work and life, they never took time out for themselves. In fact, they never took time out for anything. Frequent work pressure and the eagerness to excel pushed them toward even more work. They had no time for each other in that rigmarole.

She had thought that after they had earned enough they will have more time together. But that milestone never arrived.

Now finally, when he was gone, she felt a void. And remorse.

Nothing could be done now. He was gone. From this world. After all those years of neglect, life had caught on with him and decided to take its toll in the form of his death.

Only if they could have spent more time together when they were younger… Perhaps if they could have defined ‘enough’ and then taken a backseat… Or maybe they should have taken better care of themselves…

It was however very late now!

“Cousins”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

A Special Day…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Dusk had set in, with the sun ready to go down behind the horizon. And yet, as she pulled up into the parking lot, the lady of the house felt as if she had lived through an entire day.

With a couple of young kids, all the workplace stuff, as well as household chores to take care of, she had her hands full on the best of the days. Ever since they had moved to this new place, it had become even more hectic for her.

Parking the car, she knew that the kids would have been back from their after-school classes, waiting for her to reach home. Her husband would be busy as usual with his official calls, wrapping up work. There was still the evening dinner to take care of and then some more things before the day ended.

Before she entered the house, she sat in her car in the parking lot. It was as much to take a breather as to prepare herself for the remaining few hours in that long day.

After a few still minutes, she gathered her belongings, locked the car, and walked up to her apartment. There were a few people walking around on their evening stroll who she nodded to greet along the way.

Outside the door, she stopped for a while. There was no noise from inside the house and the lights were switched off. Could it be that her husband had taken the kids out for some play time or for running an errand? Would give her a few more minutes of solitude for sure, she thought.

Then, as she got in and switched on the light, a surprise awaited her. Her husband jumped out from behind her and embraced her. Her children, hiding away in one of the bedrooms, came running toward her shouting “Momma”, and joined their dad and mom. And then, all of them started to sing the birthday song!

The lady couldn’t understand. It wasn’t her birthday for sure. Nor it was anyone else’s at home…

When the song came to an end, she realized that it was actually the day they had moved into their new home a year ago. They were all wishing each other for completing a year in their new home.

More surprises awaited her. She was escorted to the dinner table, which was laid out with her favorite Thai food. Her husband served food while the children got out a cake. They made her feel like a queen, taking care of everything.

After the dinner was done with, they all sat down in the living room. The children got out a collage of various pictures they had taken during the time they were setting up the house. It was a good reminder of all the effort that had gone in to set it up.

She was overwhelmed and thanked them all for the evening. They just smiled and thanked her for doing all she had to turn that house into a home. And then revealed that they had been planning this for a while without giving her any hint.

That night, she slept with a smile on her face. Content with the recognition received. And happy about the achievement of having converted the house to a home.

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!

Ties

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We come across different ties in our life.

Ones which are worn around the neck, also called the neck tie. When I was a young kid and started going to school, that is what a tie meant to me. It was a discipline to be followed every day.

Or the tie that we come across sometimes in a game. As I started growing up and played or watched sports, whenever two individuals or teams ended up at the same score, I used to marvel at the coincidence.

Or the tie that we have with our loved ones. What keeps us together as a family, with our friends, attached to those who care for us. The one which was invisible to me till I became an adult and understood life.

The tie that we wear equates to prestige. It provides for self-esteem, pride related to wearing a group colour, is considered to be an important accessory. But it’s very relative, may lead to happiness for some while could be a restriction for another.

The tie that we witness equates to excitement. It provides for fun, anxious moments, and a sense of longing for the victory that could have been ours. But it’s mostly fleeting, gets forgotten after a few days or weeks.

But the ties which we form, nurture and sustain are special and equate to belongingness. Their importance becomes more clearer as we grow old. And it always remains, like a constant source of energy powering us.

We humans, however very easily get confused and mix up the pecking order of these ties. Prestige takes precedence over excitement over belongingness. When that happens, it messes up our lives big time!

This week, I was engaged in a family function, held to launch a book that my grandfather had written 43 years ago. As we prepared and then executed on the entire program successfully, I ended up realising this very fact.

The tie associated with prestige (the accessory) was only an accompaniment and a reminder of self pride and inner happiness and importance for us. Thankfully, most people in our family treated it only as such.

The tie associated with excitement was a reminder of how somethings are meant to be. As we recounted the journey of the book, we discussed amongst us how the tiebreak situation of the last few chapters being completed after my grandfather’s death was a tricky and a long winding road, but totally worth the effort.

But the ties among people took center stage and have left us enriched forever. As the entire family came together to celebrate this important milestone and support each other, the ties that we have formed between us were visible in full flow and further got reinforced.

Thankfully, we as a family kept our heads on our shoulders and didn’t mess with the pecking order of the ties. Even one of them being off-balance could have led to a very different outcome!