Family

A Special Day…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Dusk had set in, with the sun ready to go down behind the horizon. And yet, as she pulled up into the parking lot, the lady of the house felt as if she had lived through an entire day.

With a couple of young kids, all the workplace stuff, as well as household chores to take care of, she had her hands full on the best of the days. Ever since they had moved to this new place, it had become even more hectic for her.

Parking the car, she knew that the kids would have been back from their after-school classes, waiting for her to reach home. Her husband would be busy as usual with his official calls, wrapping up work. There was still the evening dinner to take care of and then some more things before the day ended.

Before she entered the house, she sat in her car in the parking lot. It was as much to take a breather as to prepare herself for the remaining few hours in that long day.

After a few still minutes, she gathered her belongings, locked the car, and walked up to her apartment. There were a few people walking around on their evening stroll who she nodded to greet along the way.

Outside the door, she stopped for a while. There was no noise from inside the house and the lights were switched off. Could it be that her husband had taken the kids out for some play time or for running an errand? Would give her a few more minutes of solitude for sure, she thought.

Then, as she got in and switched on the light, a surprise awaited her. Her husband jumped out from behind her and embraced her. Her children, hiding away in one of the bedrooms, came running toward her shouting “Momma”, and joined their dad and mom. And then, all of them started to sing the birthday song!

The lady couldn’t understand. It wasn’t her birthday for sure. Nor it was anyone else’s at home…

When the song came to an end, she realized that it was actually the day they had moved into their new home a year ago. They were all wishing each other for completing a year in their new home.

More surprises awaited her. She was escorted to the dinner table, which was laid out with her favorite Thai food. Her husband served food while the children got out a cake. They made her feel like a queen, taking care of everything.

After the dinner was done with, they all sat down in the living room. The children got out a collage of various pictures they had taken during the time they were setting up the house. It was a good reminder of all the effort that had gone in to set it up.

She was overwhelmed and thanked them all for the evening. They just smiled and thanked her for doing all she had to turn that house into a home. And then revealed that they had been planning this for a while without giving her any hint.

That night, she slept with a smile on her face. Content with the recognition received. And happy about the achievement of having converted the house to a home.

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!

Ties

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We come across different ties in our life.

Ones which are worn around the neck, also called the neck tie. When I was a young kid and started going to school, that is what a tie meant to me. It was a discipline to be followed every day.

Or the tie that we come across sometimes in a game. As I started growing up and played or watched sports, whenever two individuals or teams ended up at the same score, I used to marvel at the coincidence.

Or the tie that we have with our loved ones. What keeps us together as a family, with our friends, attached to those who care for us. The one which was invisible to me till I became an adult and understood life.

The tie that we wear equates to prestige. It provides for self-esteem, pride related to wearing a group colour, is considered to be an important accessory. But it’s very relative, may lead to happiness for some while could be a restriction for another.

The tie that we witness equates to excitement. It provides for fun, anxious moments, and a sense of longing for the victory that could have been ours. But it’s mostly fleeting, gets forgotten after a few days or weeks.

But the ties which we form, nurture and sustain are special and equate to belongingness. Their importance becomes more clearer as we grow old. And it always remains, like a constant source of energy powering us.

We humans, however very easily get confused and mix up the pecking order of these ties. Prestige takes precedence over excitement over belongingness. When that happens, it messes up our lives big time!

This week, I was engaged in a family function, held to launch a book that my grandfather had written 43 years ago. As we prepared and then executed on the entire program successfully, I ended up realising this very fact.

The tie associated with prestige (the accessory) was only an accompaniment and a reminder of self pride and inner happiness and importance for us. Thankfully, most people in our family treated it only as such.

The tie associated with excitement was a reminder of how somethings are meant to be. As we recounted the journey of the book, we discussed amongst us how the tiebreak situation of the last few chapters being completed after my grandfather’s death was a tricky and a long winding road, but totally worth the effort.

But the ties among people took center stage and have left us enriched forever. As the entire family came together to celebrate this important milestone and support each other, the ties that we have formed between us were visible in full flow and further got reinforced.

Thankfully, we as a family kept our heads on our shoulders and didn’t mess with the pecking order of the ties. Even one of them being off-balance could have led to a very different outcome!

In it together.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was night. As usual, He and She sat down in the balcony of their house. But no one spoke. They just looked at the lights in the horizon.

It had been a tiring and long day. He had wished for it to end sooner. What else could he have thought of with such a disappointing day.

She was just frustrated. After so much that she had done, she absolutely should have been in a better place. Alas, it wasn’t to be.

Finally, after a few mins, She spoke. She asked him about why the look on his face was grim. He saw her and saw sadness and asked the same question back. She told him to share first before she goes ahead.

He spoke about how he had had an insipid day. He had been waiting for this day when he would get the results of his labour of last 6 months. A deal that he was chasing and was nearing closure was going to give him that edge over others at work. And when it mattered the most, luck had deserted him.

Instead of the deal going through smoothly, an unnatural act of nature had forced the backers of the deal to back off and now they had called it off. His most anticipated day had turned to be the worst suddenly. And he couldn’t do anything about it! This was what made him listless.

It was her turn to speak then. She wanted to give him some advise but held on to it for the time being. She then revealed that she actually wasn’t looking forward to the day at all. Her day, as usual had started early, by getting the children ready for school. After finishing all the chores, as she got to work, she realised that she had tons of things on her table. That took her entire day.

By the time she could get back home, it was dinner time. As she entered, the first thing her children asked for was food. They had an aversion to eating outside and the cook hadn’t come that day. Exhausted, she quickly prepared something and got them to eat and wind up for the day.

After she finished, He jumped in. He had been wanting to talk to her about why she had been feeling so pressured. His point was simple. She didn’t need to prove herself all the time. She was beyond that now. Instead, she could just do things without aiming to exceed expectations always. It was ok if she didn’t meet expectations some times. He will make sure no one will judge her all the time, at least at home.

She felt better. She then suggested that he ought to let go of his disappointment as well. He had tried what he could and one thing falling off didn’t mean the end of the road. He will surely have many more opportunities and some of them will click for him. Instead, he should look back at what he was able to learn and achieve in this short span and how that is going to help him. He too felt better.

As they looked at each other, they realised that they were unnecessarily holding on to things that didn’t matter as much.

What mattered was, having each other and being truthful and supportive! Being in it together…

Attachment

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How we get attached to those who are looking out for us? And what they mean to our lives?

As I spent a few days with my close family, including first cousins, uncles, and aunts, this question kept coming to me.

There are many people who cross our paths right from our birth, through our life, till we bid our goodbye. But there are very few for whom we really hold affection in our hearts and feel attached to.

I have written about this multiple times from different perspectives, covering friendships, relations, and colleagues. But as I dug deeper this time, I realised the answer is actually very simple.

Most of us are attached to our parents and our siblings, which is most natural. Maybe a couple of uncles and / or aunts, and maybe a few cousins also form our close circle. While we may have a good rapport with the other members of our extended families, these few people matter a lot to us.

They matter to us because the relationship with them is built on trust but without the weight of expectations. It is symbiotic and therefore benefits both.

This group is like our confidant, our punching bag, and also our supporters from the sidelines. We love them and we fight with them but whichever way you cut it, we spend most of our time with them.

In turn this attachment and affection helps both the sets of people to rely on each other for anything, creating a virtuous circle and helping us keep ourselves rooted and bonded. They mean the microcosm of a perfect world to us, wherein we can do whatever and be whoever, without worrying about anything else.

And that attachment continues even as time passes by and people drift apart physically. For the trust without expectations equation still holds true!

I have experienced this personally. I stayed in a joint family in my formative years and am heavily attached to my uncles, aunts and my cousins. That affection and attachment has continued even though we don’t get to meet each other often.

When we do, we all effortlessly sync in whatever setting we are put in and spend time together laughing, crying, quarrelling and caring for each other. More importantly even when that time ends and we go back to our usual lives, the level of affection and care continues in our remote interactions.

All because of trust on each other without any expectations! Important tenets for not just our close relationships but every connection that we value in life…

Taken for granted.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We have a lot of people who are a part of our lives. But there are a few of them who are extremely close to us.

These people, who we may call our inner circle, mostly consist of our immediate family and perhaps a couple of relatives / friends. They are the ones whom we spend the most time with or care the most about.

They are also the ones we take for granted. A lot!

These relationships are special to us because they give us the warmth, love, and nourishment that we are seeking. And we in turn feed them with our own compassion and support.

However, after spending a lot of time with each other, we get used to being around. We start behaving and acting in more automated ways and without realizing, start assuming the support of the other person. Or worst, start demanding that support.

This week, as I was reflecting on my own behavior with my inner circle, I realized that there are quite a few instances where I am taking them for granted. I am behaving with them as if they already know what’s on my mind and am expecting them to trust and listen to me or support me. Because I know best!

As I dug deeper into the recent past, I figured that this is happening unconsciously and only because I feel entitled to their love, support, and understanding in everything I do.

What I was missing was that they may not be agreeable to everything I have to say or do. Or they may have their own thoughts or suggestions, which I may benefit from. More importantly, by not considering their perspective, I was doing a disservice to the relationship.

Clearly, I was taking them for granted. And they, being my inner circle, deserved more.

So, I made a conscious decision to stop this unconscious behavior. Decision to not try and enforce what I am thinking but to be aware of other perspectives also. Decision to be aware of the their choices and thoughts and be respectful toward them. Decision to let them be and go through their own journey, instead of trying to nudge them at every point.

For sum of all parts is greater than the self…

Those welled up eyes!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Bonds…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

…maketh a human being!

Right from the time we sound the bugle with our first wail to the time we utter our last word, there is always a bond we are making or breaking.

They range from our family to friends to teachers to neighbours to colleagues to acquaintances to anyone we are even remotely or virtually connected with.

And they pass through the hoops of joy and highs of success as well as through the rings of sadness and lows of failures.

Yet, what remains with us in the end is how they make us feel deep within – positive or negative, happy or sad, promising or disappointing!

Right from childhood, I have had special bonds with some people. Family members, friends, teachers, colleagues who made me feel special or wanted. At different points of time in my life, I would have given anything to spend time with them. To have fun, to learn, to play, to live life. Now, after all these years, while I may not be able to meet them often, or talk to them frequently, those memories remain. And the bonds sustain.

With others, not to disregard their presence, it was a weaker connection. The bonds snapped and we moved on to other things in life. Or due to some misunderstanding or circumstance or intention, the bond broke and we drifted apart. And yet, as long as it lasted, it ended up giving something to both of us.

While spending time with my family this week and celebrating our daughter’s sixth, I was reminded of this important aspect of our being. Of how the bonds we make or break as we go through our lives, define us as a person and move us forward.

And when I juxtaposed this thought with my daughter’s perspective, I realised that this is most true for children, as they grow out of the protective cocoon in the initial years. Their reactions, mannerisms, learnings, all get shaped up based on the bonds they form with the close circle of family, as well as with new people entering their expanded circle.

As a parent, it is fascinating to observe how they shape up around others and form these bonds. It is also a responsibility to not let our protective urge take over but to let them go through the process on their own and decide for themselves which bonds they want to foster.

That balance is perhaps how we shape up our bond as a parent with them and help them shape up their bond with life!

Forwards & Backwards

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Communication is a bedrock of our lives. If not for communication, we wouldn’t be half the race we are.

It helps us learn and unlearn, show our feelings whether they are positive or negative, and brings cohesion to our lives. Makes it easier for us to live with other fellow humans. Creates families and groups and fosters them.

In the present hyper-connected world, it’s become much more easier to do so. With umpteen ways to reach out to people, from messaging apps to platforms that enable all kinds of social connections, we have multiple options. And yet, often we find that communication is neglected. Or under/over-done.

This week, as I looked at my social media footprint, I figured that WhatsApp is the single most used app on my phone. I use it for all kinds of communication. Additionally, I am a part of multiple groups comprising of family, school friends, college friends, work colleagues, and so on. It’s wonderful to be one tap away from talking to anyone.

One thing troubled me though!

I realised that a lot of the groups that I am a part of, I don’t communicate within them often. Most of the messages that keep chiming in are forwards of different nature. Political discussions, information that is questionable, opinions, news items, etc. which have little direct relevance to our daily lives. In between those forwards, the group gets drowned in that noise.

Not just that. Most of these loaded forwards only create chances for loaded conversations between specific members. Some for and some against the original argument. Without the veracity being checked. Without understanding the point of view of others. And a lot of times being answered by counter arguments that are also forwards with similarly dubious origins.

Now, I am all for freedom of speech and having different and opposing viewpoints and for discussing them. But when the direction of the group becomes loaded, it doesn’t give much pleasure to the majority others who are silent spectators.

When those groups were formed, the thought behind them was to bring together people so that everyone could keep in touch. But now-a-days, there are very few groups which one is a part of, where real conversation between friends or family members happens.

For example, while some of the groups I am a part of have my family members or friends, I have consciously started ignoring the messages coming through on them. Because I don’t subscribe to the conversations happening there.

And I am sure it is true for most of us.

That’s the irony of the situation!

While we are always connected, we are being pulled backwards. Because we chose to believe in forwards and communicating based on those, rather than having real conversations with people we know and believe in…

Life Stages…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

A few weeks back, talking to my Uncle, my cousins and I were discussing the pandemic situation in general.

He was giving his perspective on things, focusing on the lighter side. We all found it very concerning that he was talking about it lightly and made a joke that as he is approaching retirement, his perspectives have become more unusual and alike the elders in the house.

However, thinking back to the conversation, I realised that he was talking about things from his perspective. And while we may debate on whose perspective is the right one, each one of us has his/her own…

As I dwelt further on this conversation, I realised that our reaction to the perspective was perhaps also because we were viewing the issue from a different lens than he was. After all, we are in a different life stage than he is in.

In Hinduism, the historical texts talk about 4 stages of life. Beginning with the learning stage, progressing to the household stage, leading to the retirement stage, and finally to sanyasa, where life is renunciated.

In modern view, we can perceive these life stages as different eras altogether.

Life begins with the carefree era generally till around 25 years of age in our society today. We rarely worry about anything but ourselves during this stage and enjoy everything that we can, with a carefree attitude. As we grow up from a toddler to a teenager, we keep learning and gaining. No responsibilities in general and lots of freedom to our thoughts and in our actions.

This is followed by the next 25 years of the responsible era, where we tend to take up a lot of responsibilities at work, in life and in general. This is where we get serious about our work and career, get married, have kids, build our fortune for whatever it is worth, and plan in advance for everything, as much as we can. It can be overwhelming at times but we generally try and give it our all, to maximise the output from these years.

For a lot of people, their lives culminates in the afterglow era over the next 25 years, where they bask in the learnings of life and walk into the sunset slowly. This is when they leverage all they have seen over the last 50-60 years and make sense of things in their own way.

For a few chosen ones, life continues into the golden era beyond 75, who have the privilege of watching life happen all over again and enjoying their extended time on the planet. This is also when many people go back to being like a child again and live life king size!

As we progress through these life stages, our perspectives change. That’s one of the reasons that thought processes don’t always match when people from different eras interact with each other. Or why our preferences are so different. Or why priorities change. Or why realisations differ.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Each one of us is entitled to where we are in our life’s stage and our perspectives, preferences, priorities and realisations.

It therefore is natural that we have divergent views about things as compared to our parents or elders or children. That’s also healthy I believe, for it keeps us all in a system of checks and balances and ensures the best outcome possible, generally.

What is most important though is to recognise that our views will differ but even in that divergence we have to attempt convergence!

Because that is what we owe to our family…