Growth

Who to listen to?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This week, while spending some time with our daughter, we had an interesting problem to solve. We were having a conversation and while chatting about her room’s furniture, I told her that she should listen to us as we are older to her. She had a curious look on her face and rather innocently asked me, “Shouldn’t I also get to decide sometimes?”.

We chose to finally go with a mixed approach, combining both what we thought was good and what she wanted. But this made me think about the journey we have as an individual in terms of listening to others and taking decisions for ourselves.

We all go through different stages in life as an individual – a child, teenager, young adult, a spouse or partner to someone, a parent (well, for most of us), and then as our old self. Each of these stages teaches us something new but also forces us to think about who should we really listen to and how we should decide.

Like when we are a child. During that period when we are growing up, we are supposed to listen to what our parents say and ask us to do. Most of the times, we don’t decide for ourselves. But as we start approaching teenage, there are often situations when we are told something by our parents or well wishers, which seems contrary to what we want to hear. And while a lot of times we may do as told, it feels like “why am I doing this, when I would rather do this in some other way”. In these situations, we try and find some way of getting what we want. Some of us even rebel and decide that we must choose whatever we want to do with our life, without the interference of anyone. While some of it may be childish, it definitely helps us set ourselves up for the next phase in our life by slowly forcing us to think about what we want.

For as we grow into an adult, we are expected to decide on things on our own. Most of us, in this phase become more independent and choose and decide the way we want to live. This new found independence is a breath of fresh air and we make the most of it. We get into relationship(s), start earning, and travel to places we want to go to, giving us a new perspective about life. We mostly listen to ourselves in this phase, overruling others and following our heart, learning our way through life.

Then, as most of us get into parenthood, life takes a full circle. As our children grow and we guide them but also let them discover for themselves, we learn to adapt. There emerges some understanding within us that at times, it is better to listen to what our parents, elders or well wishers have to say. We start understanding the need for a guide and well wisher. At the same time, we also realize the need for the child to develop her own thought process and build herself. And this gives us a new perspective about how to balance who we should listen to. While we are still our own person, we learn to listen at times and understand the other lens.

Finally, when our children grow older and enter teenage / adulthood, we start working with them as partners and slowly start relying more on their decisions. This new phase teaches us new things about how to decide for ourselves but also factor in the choices of others in our plans. And how to take everyone along in a positive direction without fussing about the details. This is when we let go of our independence at times to let others decide for ourselves, knowing that they have our good in their heart or mind when they are making that decision.

This shift in perspective from being a child to a parent and then to an elder is just amazing. It rounds up our journey of development as an individual, shifting us from the dependent to independent stage at first, and then helping us switch gears between the independent and semi-dependent orbits, as the situation demands. It not only changes us an individual but also our approach to life.

This is why we call it maturity. Because, it takes time to mature. After all, character doesn’t get built in one day!

The Guiding Light

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As a young kid, I had a couple of older cousin brothers. I had some excellent times with them while growing up.

I used to rely on them for a lot of things – the stories to hear, books to read, people to follow, and so on. And what they did or how they behaved was an important input in my understanding of what or how to do.

But the biggest thing I realised I depended on them for was to guide me in various things. It gave me confidence and assurance knowing that someone whom I know well is helping me.

It was that big brother relationship that helped nurture a lot of my experiences early on in life. As we grew up, that relationship grew stronger and it helped me further make sense of multiple things in life.

This week, as we were discussing some peculiar behaviours of one of our younger cousins and how he looked up to one of us, I realised that the behaviour mimicked mine while growing up. In fact for most of us, as we matured through the years.

For some of us, this person could be a big sister or a parent or someone in the family we look up to instead of a brother. Or it could be an elder at school or college. Someone who is our guiding light.

That’s perhaps why we seek mentors when we grow up and start working. To help us stay on track in our careers.

Or why some of us start following specific gurus or leaders as we go beyond youth.

Or why a lot of older people start seeking the almighty and look for guidance.

All of us are looking for that light coming from a source which illuminates our position and our path ahead…

Handicap – for or against

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was once a man who as a first generation businessman, built a small fortune for himself. As a self-made man, he had seen it all and knew what it took to get to the level that he had risen to.

However, for his children he wanted to leave no stone unturned. So he spent all the energy and money that was required to give them all the comforts of life. They had a good upbringing in a protective environment.

Time passed and as they progressed towards their adult life, the patriarch realised that in giving them a protected environment to mature in, he had done a big disservice to them. They had been handicapped because they didn’t know how to handle difficult situations, specially the adverse ones.

This is a story we would all have heard in some form or shape while growing up. Or as a live lecture from our parents about how it is really important for us to live within particular constraints and understand that it takes effort and patience to get anything in life.

It is this learning that helps us have a balanced approach towards life and wade through the many ups and downs that are thrown at us.

And yet, as we mature and become parents, with those constraints helping us realise the true value of things, we somehow start discounting this major learning.

We aspire to raise our kids with unbridled resources. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent wants the best for their kids and it is but natural for us to also feel and act in that way.

What’s to be balanced though is how to provide them enough freedom to experience tough situations and grow as an individual. Because that is what helps anyone rise up in life even when the chips are down.

That’s the real challenge of parenting today. Caring enough to let the kid have a sheltered environment in a nuclear family. While challenging them enough through handicaps, so that they understand life in its entirety.

And while it may seem like an easy task, I can vouch it isn’t. It’s not only difficult, it’s also taxing and sometimes tumultuous.

But we have got to do what we’ve got to do!

Free Wheeling Life.

~ Rishi ~ 4 Comments

With work from home the current norm, my daily interactions with my 5-year old daughter have been taking me through the learning curve again. And as I have been observing her and other children, whom she plays with, for the past 5 months, my appreciation for how our childhood shapes us has gone up multifold.

It wasn’t that I was unaware or dismissive of this thought. I always have been cognizant of my upbringing and what it taught me. However, I always thought about it from a parent’s perspective and how it’s them who play an important role in the child’s growth.

No doubt, that’s true. Parents, teachers, and other elders definitely have an important part in the child’s play. But what I have been amazed at is how children themselves play a role in their growth and development.

Watching my daughter in action from close quarters continuously, has been a revelation. The way she processes all the new information thrown at her, the way she connects the dots, and the way she takes it upon herself to learn and grow – it’s she who is in the driving seat. We are just the co-pilot, providing navigational support.

For instance, these days when she wants to do something and knows that we may ask her not to, she will come and ask me or my wife exactly when we are busy with our work day and knows we have to agree to her demand. That’s like “I’m giving you an offer you can’t refuse”, aka Godfather style. Quite a useful trait to analyse the situation and get your way through.

Or when she negotiates with us, almost bargaining for certain allowances. She uses all the tricks Chanakya talked about – Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed; without even knowing what it is. Battle hardened to take on the world through whatever hustle is needed.

Or the way she shows love and concern every time there is a loud sound from the kitchen or any other place in the house, asking if we are all well. Empathy and care, which most of us pay only lip service to.

All of these moments are great fun – to watch her in action, taking control of her own life and what she wants or considers important. And are a great learning – all of it done with ease, without a care about what others will think about or worry about what will the future behold.

She does get upset at times if things don’t go her way, but then that’s human nature. Otherwise, it’s a free wheeling life. Where she only lives in the present. Doesn’t get bothered about the future. Or tensed about the present. And most importantly, moves on almost instantaneously. And I am sure this is true with all children.

Perhaps that’s why Children are often seen as God, transcending the mortal thought process we grown-ups come to possess and be inhibited by.

Hopefully, we get the powers to be a child again…

The Next Time…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a result I didn’t expect. After months of hard work, long nights, and countless hours of prep tests, this was surely not what I expected of myself.

This was the day when the Common Admission Test or CAT, as it is known in the Indian parlance, came out. I hadn’t scored in the 99th percentile I was wanting to. And in one of the most competitive exams in the country, that 2 percentile gap meant a sea of difference and practically killed my attempt to get into the best MBA colleges of the country.

I was dejected. I certainly didn’t deserve such a low score! I blamed my circumstances, my luck, and everything else. However, thankfully after a couple of days in that mode, I composed myself and carried on with my life, taking the failure in my stride.

The next few years in my life went by with lots of interesting things. I met my wife and fell in love with her. Gathered a lot of experience working in the corporate world. Made some very good friends and learnt tons of new stuff.

I did do my MBA from a good college afterwards. And have had some very interesting experiences post that, enjoyed my life and have done well in general.

This weekend, as we were spending time with our cousins and celebrating my daughter’s birthday, one of our discussions veered around the pulls and pushes that youngsters, specially those who are in the defining years of their life – 12th standard, final year of college, etc. are facing or going to go through due to the Covid-19 disruption to regular studies.

The main focal point of our discussion was – with the competitiveness only increasing every year, there are going to be countless students who wouldn’t be able to perform at the same levels as they expect to. And how they reconcile themselves to the unexpected results and carry on with life is going to be critical to their future.

Our discussion went on to other general things. But as I reflected on this track, I realised that it is going to be true for quite a good number of students – those who can’t concentrate because classes didn’t happen, or they weren’t taught well online, or worse still, couldn’t get access to the right education.

And I recollected from my experiences that life is not just about that one exam. One might fail or not perform once. But what determines character and a winner is someone who doesn’t get bogged down by the circumstances or the limitations and continues to plough along. Perhaps on the same track, perhaps on another.

Life gives all of us multiple chances. It is important that we don’t feel left out ever and continue our journey, the destination is waiting for us. If not this time, then the next time. Or the next time. Or the next time…

Change is the only constant

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As I heard one of the characters in a TV series talk about how change is messy and difficult and not something worthwhile, I recalled this title phrase. And the truism associated with it.

I have always been a firm believer of how change is for the good. It has helped shape my life and provided me tremendous opportunities to learn and grow.

Well, change has been the order of life for me all throughout. I studied in 6 different schools, moving places every 2-3 years. I have pursued 4 different professional tracks in my career. And yet every time there’s some change – big or small, I feel uncertain and out of control.

However, having experienced so many changes in life, I have learnt a trick to handle these situations. Instead of further sinking down into anxiety, I let go. It is not easy – difficult to dissociate and let things flow. But what I have realised is that it’s better to flow than to resist.

As I look around these days, on one side I see people embracing change and adapting to the circumstances but on the other hand, I observe a sense of inertia. As someone who studies people and behaviours, I have realised these responses are all about those 2 words “Letting go”.

People who aren’t embracing change aren’t comfortable letting go. They feel like they have to own and drive things, not let it drift or be driven by something or someone.

This is true not just in the professional world but the personal one also.

The mother who doesn’t let go of the child to play alone, fearing a fall or a scratched hand. The parents who still want to manage or help their grown up kids in everything they do. All of these “not letting go” examples only point to the inertia that the mother or parents feel about the impending change or growth.

In the professional world examples abound. We all have seen or worked with the manager who wants to micromanage. Or the senior who wants to take Center-stage all the time. Or the old guard which refuses to adapt to new ways of working. It’s again a matter of “not letting go” – the anxiety of what will happen if I don’t do it my way.

What we don’t realise is that by not letting go, we create further resistance, which sooner or later leads to breaches. Be it the kid who finds ways and means to slip out of the parent’s radar to do her own thing. Or the junior who gives up and leaves the job for better opportunities where she can grow. The breach happens as the resistance becomes untenable.

As we navigate through this Covid-19 era, where trust is dipping down and anxiety is increasing, it would serve us well to realise that this too shall pass. That this change will allow old ways to be replaced with new ones. And rather than fighting it, remembering that after all is done and dusted, the changes will be for the greater good.

Let it go…

Personal satisfaction, guaranteed – Part 2

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I am still a fauji in some senses (you can take the man out of the army but not the army out of the man, someone said to me).

In most people’s minds, the army and the civil services are right at the top of the social hierarchy when it comes to professions directly affecting the nation. So when I came out from the Army, it was but natural for people back home to suggest the civil services as the next career choice.

No one from my father’s or our generation had been into civil services, although there was a lineage earlier during my forefathers. And there was hence some expectation. But I wasn’t convinced about that route and didn’t take it up.

Instead, I chose to gain different experiences. As I progressed through my career and went through my journey in the corporate world and then as an entrepreneur, I learnt a lot and gained some worthwhile experience in diverse fields.

Yet, at the back of my mind there was always this recognition of the great work India has been doing as a nation and how multiple people have been contributing to nation building across the government landscape.

Hence, when I got the choice to work with my current organisation and in the process work with the government sector, it was an opportunity for me to learn about the other side of the national service coin. Advising them on important initiatives and programs would mean contributing in my own little way to the nation again.

Surely enough, this stint has thrown a lot of light on how even despite huge challenges and limited resources, India is progressing well due to the ingenuity of our people. And how our vast and diverse country is being managed.

As an ex-fauji, it is surprising that although the civilian life demands much less, the passion, enthusiasm, and rigour that some of the people serving in the government have is amazing. There’s pride. There’s a strong sense of duty. And there are sacrifices of all kinds.

Talking to some of these officials has revealed how they have been in their own way helping the nation move forward inch by inch. And observing the work done by some of the junior staff gives hope that in spite of the odds, we are on the right track.

And while I am an outsider in the system, I would still go ahead and say that it is important that more and more capable people get in and serve the government through civil services or other entries or get associated with the government to bring the best to the society. Will help us achieve our destiny as a nation – something I am sure all of us would want to!

On Friends and Fights…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Friends are our lifeline. They are the ones who keep us afloat in good times and bad…

This past week, we had a couple of occasions when the little one had a mini fight with one of her friends. The ones you feel important about when you are young but feel amused by when you think back as a grown up. Reminded me of my own days with friends and how I grew up.

The good thing is, while growing up you become friends without thinking about intentions and benefits. Without worrying about the past, present, or future of the person. And remain so for as long as you are alive and kicking.

Thanks to my dad’s transferable job as a banker, I got the opportunity to travel to a few places and make new friends every 2-3 years through my childhood. Each place and friend group taught me new things and helped me make memories for life.

I had quite a few of those cherished friendships, with boys and girls. From my school days as well as during college. Friends, some of whom became very close and continue to be. And I spent tons of time with them.

But it wasn’t all rosy. I had my share of fights, big and small, across the spectrum. A lot of times they were silly, some times futile, and only a few times necessary. But at that point in time they all felt important.

I remember fighting umpteen times with friends while playing. Incidents I laugh with them about now. Some of the others were serious but quickly resolved. Only a couple of them were of the kinds that did permanent damage on both sides. And were really important.

Yet when I look back, those incidents helped me shape up. I became more accommodating and understanding of the other view point(s), of learning to accept differences and agreeing to disagree. And of knowing when to stay and when to walk away.

So I tell my little one. She is too young to understand these things and hopefully will have her own positive learning curve from these fights with friends.

And will probably grow up looking back bemusedly at these young days…

Parenting and I

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 4 years, 6 months, and 17 days. Since my daughter was born…

Her birth was one of the best moments I have witnessed in my life. Something within me instantly changed, as I graduated to being a father. Ever since, it’s been a whirlwind with her growing up.

On some days, she blows me away with her shenanigans and her take on life. With how she perceives and receives. With how much she understands and follows.

On others, she acts up and throws a tantrum or two, refuses to budge and wants her way at any cost. And whatever I may try, there’s no way out of the crying and making faces.

With hectic work schedules, I have had to stretch at times to catch up with her demands. And at times, when I wasn’t able to do my absolute best, I have felt the guilt that most working parents have – of not spending enough time with her.

At times I have felt that she should get whatever she wants and I am there to make it happen. Then there are times when I feel that if I don’t discipline and teach her, she will never learn what to value and what not to.

To be lenient or to be strict, and when. How to cope up with her fast growth and learning and still be able to teach her a few new things. And how to pass on the right values and behaviour to her. This duopoly, this constant tussle of how to be a good parent, is what I live with.

Perhaps, it’s a maze that will define how I grow up as well. As I have been transitioning through different phases as a parent, I have rediscovered life at times. Things which I had forgotten or had got buried somewhere deep down. Perspectives which I hadn’t seen earlier.

To be back home and have someone small waiting for you eagerly – to be pampered and loved, to play and have fun, and to live life without any inhibitions or restrictions; is a joy to behold and learning for life! Hoping for many more lessons and lots of fun along the way…

New year resolution

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

A new year begins. Or as some people are enthusiastically calling it, a new decade.

Over the years, all of us have grown accustomed to celebrating the new year eve and vouching for new year resolutions ranging from getting fitter to taking less stress to following our passion. Some people plot their dreams and goals and stick them everywhere to create a positive reinforcement cycle.

It’s another matter that most of us forget about these resolutions and go back to the old rhythm. The dreams and goals are forgotten in the cold gush of the reality wind.

So when my wife asked me “what are your goals for the coming year”, it caught me unawares as I hadn’t thought about the subject at all. Somewhat ashamed, it got me thinking of two things – do I want to set some goals, if yes what’s my plan to make them happen. And if no, why?

You see, we like to conform to the society’s notion that we are constantly improving ourselves in all spheres – personal, professional, financial, spiritual etc. But it may not be as important for me as a person to focus on improvement in one of these aspects than let’s say another person X. So what kind of a goal do I want and do I really want to achieve it? I kept thinking for the last few days.

Then, on a longish flight on Sunday, devoid of other pursuits, I decided to apply my mind to this matter.

Now, in my opinion, if I am not obsessing over a goal, it’s pursuit is not going to last long. And I might as well save that time to focus on better things. Combined with the belief that if I keep at something sincerely, I will do well in it eventually, it dawned on me that I didn’t want to have any improvement goal this year, if at all.

After some thought, I have chosen to do something which is going to expand my horizons, literally. I am just going to follow something that got lost for sometime.

Long forgotten within me has been a writer lurking inside, someone who had taken a backseat in the hustle of life over the last 3 years or so.

So, this new year I am attempting to write again. Beginning with this post. Adding a new one every week and perhaps a few stories that I want to tell. Let’s see. Right now, it’s just an attempt to get back to an ex-flame. Hope to endeavour and make it burn brighter as the year progresses.