Life

Change

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a word which evokes a lot of emotions…

Some of us like it. Some of us hate it. Some enjoy being part of it. Some detest being in its shadow.

No matter what we feel though, none of us can ignore it. For its in the very fabric of our lives!

And yet, there’s something enigmatic about it that draws out our emotions like few other words do.

This week, during a conversation with my coach, we got into the depth of what change means to me and how do I deal with it.

While I have never run away from a change, there are a few that I haven’t particularly enjoyed. But one thing that I do hold dear to myself is the learning and experience I gain out of the change. For me and from what it means to those around me.

As I described this to my coach, I went back into time thinking about some of those instances when I didn’t agree with the change easily or didn’t enjoy it.

The first instance was when I left home for the first time to stay in a hostel. The second was when I had to leave the armed forces because of a medical injury. The third was when I had to shut down my business after putting in a lot of hard work.

As I thought through, I realized that each of those instances were tough for me either because I didn’t like what the change offered me in return for my future, or I dreaded it because I was on the losing side from my perspective.

But when I look back at life around those junctures now, those were the experiences that made me tougher and made me dig deeper. And I am highly grateful to those around me, who pushed me forward into that change.

I may have succeeded even though I may not have had those challenging experiences. But I am sure I wouldn’t have been as matured and resilient if not for those changes.

In my case at least, they proved to leave a lasting impression and contributed big time to make me who I am today!

Mental Make-up

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I often get asked about how someone gets trained in the military academy or hear remarks about the physical aspect of the training. And I often tell people, it is all about mental toughness.

Well, that is what I learnt after spending time at the academy in India.

When we entered the academy, most of us weren’t physically fit. More importantly, we were mentally weak. The sergeants and officers tasked with training us and converting us into officers therefore had two specific objectives.

In the first few weeks, I recall that we went through a grueling schedule. Not being used to the rigor of the place, it was a challenge for most of us to meet the physical requirements of the training. But it was as much about the mental aspect.

When we thought we couldn’t run, we were made to do timed 5 km runs. When we thought we were hungry, we were forced to go without food. When we thought we needed sleep, we were made to stand outside in freezing cold in attention.

It was worse at best for us. But it was also necessary. For what use is physical strength if you don’t have the mental toughness to handle things.

As we progressed through the academy training, the mental toughness that we developed was what helped us ace tasks that we couldn’t even think were possible a few months back. By the time we graduated, we were all much more tougher overall.

I have realized that this is true in so many other things in life. If I am mentally tough and clear about what I want out of life in general or from a decision I take at any given point in time, it is much easier to navigate through things. If not, I remain confused or troubled.

Be it figuring out what I want to do in my professional life or what I aim for in my personal life. Clarity of thought is the most important aspect.

This past few weeks, as I have spent time meeting friends and family in India, I have often been asked questions about how I am settling down after relocation. Or what is my plan for the coming years when I plan to return. Or how do I see things panning out after I take that decision.

My answer always boils down to what I want in my mind. If I am clear about what I want of this stint outside India or how I plan to live my life when I return, I will always see things in the right perspective and take the right calls. If not, I will forever be confused and only trouble myself.

I may not have the right outcomes and change gears or my approach, and that is fine. But as long as I have an understanding of what I am doing and why am I doing that, things will pan out decently.

And if ever they don’t, well that’s a learning for me to carry along with through my life!

Exposure

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We strive for learning. Well, most of us, I presume. And getting exposed to various things is the best education I believe.

Today, while at my hometown, I was having a chat with my brother and we were discussing about how exposure helps.

Exposure to different people. To different ideas. To things we haven’t experienced before. To a life we haven’t lived before.

I was giving my own example of how my thinking has evolved and how I grew as a person as I got opportunities to learn from new settings and people.

Right from studying in different schools, to going to college in bigger cities. From working in different jobs to running my own business. From living in India to living abroad during my MBA and now.

Each such new experience also provided me with avenues to explore myself. To learn and unlearn. And to open up my mind to things which I hadn’t known or seen before.

Those new experiences enlarged my thought canvas. It helped me broaden my horizon. It made me realise my strengths and weaknesses. And above all, it helped me meet different people and experience different cultures, which make me who I am today.

I may not like something or I may enjoy a particular setting more than some thing else. But there’s no denying the learning part.

As we discussed this, we talked about how the current generation is experiencing many more things today than what we did when we were young.

That exposure is providing them with options in life that we hadn’t thought about. And it’s helping them be more clear about what they want or don’t want in life.

And that’s crucial to their growth individually. Because the more exposure we get and the faster we get it, the better it is.

Here’s to the success of this new generation then. And to making us much more aware of things we haven’t experienced ourselves…

Life’s Direction

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Struck by an unfortunate event in the extended family, I spent much of my time this weekend ruminating on life and what I want out of it.

As I delved into my past and my learnings from my mistakes, as well as my aspirations for the future, I realized that a lot of times we get our priorities wrong. Not that it is intentional or ill natured.

Think for one instance about what most of us want to do in terms of work. We want to have a good work life, feeling happy and satisfied about what we are doing in terms of work or our contribution. But then many among us remain disillusioned or unsatisfied from their work but continue to do the exact same thing for long years. Not because we couldn’t get an opportunity to try out things that may give us higher satisfaction but because trying something new is riskier than what we do in their day jobs.

Or take for instance how we value family much above other things in general. Most of us live to provide for it. But often we get so embroiled in work and other things that life has to offer, that we forget our families or do not take out enough time for them.

Relationships is another classic one. We love to be in one and it’s often a great start. Slowly however, we start taking it for granted and neglect each other unknowingly. Result: we feel the pain in different ways and remain unhappy.

Consider health. We swear by it and make every possible resolution. But then we go on without exercising for days altogether. We neglect healthy food and binge whatever we crave for. Ending up with some lifestyle disease that we could have avoided. And then spend our life trying to control our urges.

How do we go about making decisions that affect our life and then remain noncommittal to them? Why does it happen to us?

I think we do it not out of compulsion but sub-consciously choose paths or do things that don’t match with what we want out of life. And that’s how these divergences occur. By the time we realize it and can take action, it’s often late or we are bound in a corner.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the key to being happy then is to be conscious of our decisions and re-evaluate what we are doing to keep our end of the bargain. If the goal is important to us, we should be able to plan around it. At any point in time.

If we keep on assessing whether we really still want to head in the direction we wanted to move in, it will help keep our head straight. For if the answer is no at any point of time, it’s better to change things then, rather than holding onto a false pretense.

The theory of sunk costs doesn’t always work and can sometimes be a fallacy…

Loss

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a gloomy day with no harbinger of hope. The lady, middle aged in her appearance and demeanor, stood near the door.

The door of their home. With eyes longing to see him turn back and return to where he belonged.

But those feet took him further away with each passing second. His mind frozen, he had resolutely moved ahead.

As she saw the van pull away, she wiped her tears and went back inside. The house was empty. There was no one there.

They had no kids. Not many friends either. They had been in the same area for a few years but didn’t have any family there.

She sat down in the armchair near the window and looked out. It must have been a couple of hours, for next she heard the call for the daily prayer from the nearby temple.

The next few days were a blur. She carried on with her life, utterly sad. For what was hers had been taken away. A part of her identity was lost.

How she wished she had done something with this aspect of their life in all those years when they were caught up in working hard to make their life better.

As she continued to reflect in the aftermath of the mishap, she realised it was a gradual fall into the abyss.

With both of them busy with work and life, they never took time out for themselves. In fact, they never took time out for anything. Frequent work pressure and the eagerness to excel pushed them toward even more work. They had no time for each other in that rigmarole.

She had thought that after they had earned enough they will have more time together. But that milestone never arrived.

Now finally, when he was gone, she felt a void. And remorse.

Nothing could be done now. He was gone. From this world. After all those years of neglect, life had caught on with him and decided to take its toll in the form of his death.

Only if they could have spent more time together when they were younger… Perhaps if they could have defined ‘enough’ and then taken a backseat… Or maybe they should have taken better care of themselves…

It was however very late now!

“Fear”

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We always want to succeed. But we often fail. Why does that happen? And what does it consciously or sub-consciously teach us?

These questions swirled in my mind as I was watching my daughter yesterday evening.

She was fearlessly trying gymnastic routines that she has been learning. Without the fear of falling or getting hurt. As I saw that, I recalled my own younger self playing with cousins, jumping on the ground from low heights, fearlessly oblivious to any potential hurt.

The kind of things that we did as kids! Without giving it a second thought. Without worrying about the consequences of a move gone wrong.

Most importantly, without fear of what would happen!

We used to say, let’s try. And if we failed, we just got up, dusted ourselves off, and probably had a go at it again. Until either we mastered the swashbuckling move we were trying, or were warned off by someone elder to us.

We wouldn’t stop and analyze what went wrong for a long time. We wouldn’t think about quitting because we didn’t succeed the first time. We wouldn’t give up so easily just because we didn’t know enough.

But now, as a grown up, we do that often.

We balk at the unknown all the time. We make calculated moves because we think it’s not worth risking things. We limit ourselves because we don’t want to stand out, we want to blend in.

And yet, we are none the wiser. We are far more conservative in our approaches, often short-sighted, and at times frustrated about our limitations.

Well, life happened and we faced enough failures through our journey that we started fearing a lot of things. We started obsessing about what shouldn’t go wrong. And what we shouldn’t do.

What if we keep that experience aside and instead adopt the approach we took in our childhood?

Go at things unhindered, without the fear of failure. Without the fear of “what if”. Without the fear of embarrassment. And without stopping when we meet obstacles or when our plans don’t go as we wanted them to.

Without wanting to succeed at all costs.

I believe we will do ourselves a world of good. And to those around us. By challenging ourselves and others, we will unearth more within us.

For what is life, if we don’t try enough…

Hitting Pause

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was December 2012. I had been working non-stop to grow my business for the last two years.

That meant always being switched on. Constantly on the move. Travel, untimely meals, late night meetings, the works.

Result – I got swamped out by a bacterial infection that meant I couldn’t eat normal food for a couple of months. Only semi-solids. Sounds yuck!

But that was the cost of me not listening to my body. Me not realizing that I had to pause and take a breather. Me not realizing that there’s more to success than just constant work.

The reason I bring up this incident, is because during a routine work timing conversation with a cousin yesterday, I realized that a lot of us make this mistake time and again.

Why don’t we take enough breaks? Why do we continue to chug along, resulting in a burnout?

This could be a topic worthy of a doctorate. I am sure some research would already have proven this fair and square.

I mean, we all read about this everywhere. How to attain work-life balance has never been a more hotly contested topic than after the pandemic. Yet, here we are in 2023 and the number of people going to the hospital as a result of burn-outs is only growing.

Then, as I thought more I started looking at my own behavior and patterns. Could there be something discernible there?

As I looked deeper, I realized that I had myself made this mistake many a times. In 2007, 2012, 2016, 2019, and as recently as in 2022.

Interestingly, each time I convinced myself that it wasn’t something wrong. I was just trying to do my best and didn’t realize when things got out of hand.

But I was wrong each time. I did hear some signals from my body or my mind. I did go through an instance or two of thinking about slowing down. Of hitting pause and taking a break. But I continued because if not for me, who else would be able to do it.

That’s the crux of why we all get carried away with this self-inflicted harm. We think we are the most important person in the larger scheme of things. That we are indispensable. That we cannot stop lest we play the spoilsport.

And lead ourselves into that downward pit from where the only way up is to pause and turn back to get back on ground.

If only we could have taken a break and then picked up things with much more vigor that could last us a while longer…

Is the answer then to not stretch oneself? No. I wouldn’t want to do it or expect it of others around me. But I would definitely want to be conscious of my own limits and identify where I shouldn’t stretch. Where does my limit stretch to.

Hopefully with practice, I will be able to identify and draw that boundary for myself and continue to expand it. And yet, keep an eye on it, so that I don’t unhinge myself from the center while trying to create a bigger circle every time or in running more laps!

Needs and Wants…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Needs and Wants were two simple kids. Always ready to mingle and be a part of any group. They were always excited, full of questions in their minds, and ready to go places.

They were the best of friends, virtually inseparable. However, as both started growing up, their personalities started differing.

Needs retained his simpleton nature, happy in the small things of life. His mantra was live with what you have and enjoy life. Instead of worrying about other things that people have, share and work together. And make them feel satisfied about the small wins.

Wants became ambitious. He was always focused on how to excel. How to superimpose his questions on others and create islands of doubts and desires. And how to be persistent in going after something and get it anyhow.

Soon, due to these differing natures, they started drifting apart. They were still friends with each other but the glue holding the bond had become weak.

People around them still thought of them as kids but in their minds they had grown up. Naturally, they started influencing the kids around them considerably.

Needs and his core group of new friends found pleasure in small things. They were always a satisfied lot, only concerned about the bare essentials. With an attitude of focusing on what’s absolutely required, they transformed into a simple teenager.

Wants and his core group on the other side were focused on more. All the time. Their ambition led them into many things, a lot of them positively good but also a few things that weren’t desirable.

As time passed, Needs and his group realised that they also had to have some ambition. After all, what fun was life if they couldn’t aim for a few things also.

Almost simultaneously, Wants and his group also realised that they ought to enjoy some simple pleasures and not always be riding on the jet of tomorrow.

With this realisation, both decided to merge their groups. Needs and his friends wanting new experiences and ambition in life getting that. Wants and his friends needing simple things being able to enjoy those.

As the groups started to mingle with each other, it created some nice surprises. Like when a Wants group boy became too close to a Needs group girl and they loved and lived happily ever after. Or when two girls from either group found they had a lot in common and complemented each other, only to discover they were distant cousins.

But this amalgamation also meant a few disappointments. Like the time when a Wants boy discovered that he badly wanted to be a Needs boy and in the process confused himself for life. Or when a Needs boy remained cocooned in his shell instead of responding to the advances of a Wants girl, foregoing what would have been a great pair.

Time passed, this group of teenagers grew up. Some of them who formed new bonds between themselves and discovered a balance, had great fun. Those who went to the extremes, suffered through their young age.

In general, those who were clear in their head had a good life and those who were confused, remained unsatisfied all their life.

Years later, much after this group had yielded to nature, as their story kept being told, it became a fable. About how we need to balance between needs and wants to be successful.

A few decades passed and it transformed into a belief. And a century later, it became intertwined with how people viewed life. Full of possibilities, rooted in reality.

But as centuries passed, the message of maintaining a balance got lost and twisted. What had started as a beautiful intertwining of the present and the future got all mixed up.

And as the modern world took shape, it’s inherent confusion seeped into the basic understanding, with people often mistaking a need for a want and vice-versa.

And losing their sleep and life over something which ought to have been balanced…

Rhythms of Life

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We have so many things going on these days that it’s very easy to get lost in the woods. Unless we have a rhythm…

I look at it as the rhythm of life from three different perspectives.

First is the rhythm of self. How do I maintain my health and take care of myself. How do I find time to do things that interest me. How do I generally separate the wheat from the chaff.

Second is the rhythm of relations. How do I live, love, laugh, and forge memories together with my family. How do I keep in touch with those who aren’t nearby. How do I show care and respect for those I have in my life.

Third is the rhythm of work. How do I maintain discipline in what I do. How do I do justice to all the things I am working on. How do I move toward my goals.

This week, while having a conversation with my wife, we went into this direction. We were discussing about how our days have gone by in the recent weeks and how we need to get back to our rhythms soon.

As we had that chat, I realised that sometimes life throws us out of gear. Either in a planned way which happens rarely. Or in an unplanned way when something untoward happens.

But what’s interesting is that while most of us strive for a rhythm, we sometimes let things slip by. It happens almost unconsciously, as we get accustomed to a new rhythm or the lack of it.

It has happened to me multiple times. Without realising, the rhythm that I signed up for and was practising, vanishes and gets replaced by what I ought not to do.

The only way to see through such a scenario then is self realisation. As I have discovered, that’s easier said than done. Most times, we realise the drift quite late. But once we do, the only way then is to quickly identify how to get back to the older rhythm or set a new one.

Perhaps a new one is better for those of us who have drifted in our rhythms, with a new year beckoning!

Turning Point

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a bad morning. Worse than what the teenaged boy could imagine.

He had just woken up and realised that he was out of luck finally. His examination scores had come and what was being foretold silently in his head had come true. He had flunked.

Feeling utterly disappointed, he lugged himself down to the living room and sat down with moist eyes. His parents were sitting at the dining table, sipping their morning tea.

He couldn’t bear to face them. After all, he himself had told them not to worry about his results. He had been a bright student all his life and while this year (and the past) hadn’t done justice to that tag, things would take care of themselves was his belief. He was in high school now, definitely grown up.

As he looked at the opposite wall, he felt a hand on his shoulder. And then one more on the other shoulder. He could feel his parents standing there behind him, trying to understand the reason for his sad mood.

Realising that he was about to cry, he bit his lip and shut his mouth and eyes firmly. The hands moved from his shoulders to either of his hands. His parents had come and sat beside him now.

Finally, he opened his eyes. He could not meet theirs, so looked down. Finally, after a few minutes, he mustered enough courage and spelt out the reason for his sadness to his parents.

He was expecting a lecture from them but instead they hugged him and told him not to worry. He may have had a bad year but there was a lot to look forward to in life. And it was important for him to regroup himself.

He felt better. There was someone looking after him and would take care of things!

He also realised that he had been unnecessarily harsh and rude to the two people in his life who mattered the most and would do anything to see him happy. This made him feel guilty but also happy that he was able to realise his mistake sooner.

As he went back into the room after spending some time with his parents that day, he felt lighter. As if the entire life’s weight he was trying to carry on his young shoulders had got support from others.

That day something changed in his mental makeup. Instead of fighting everything, he started looking at things more objectively. He started valuing relationships and what it meant. And he started owning up in the true sense rather than just aspiring for it.

It was the turning point in his life. He had started growing up!