Parents

Parents

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The most demanding and most satisfying job in the world. That’s how I would describe parenting!

This week, as I went through the motions, this theme recurred time and again. And it made me appreciate what we do and the importance of it all over again.

The first instance was a random discussion with a couple of colleagues. We recalled ourselves growing up. Our parents were strict, frugal, and demanding. But on the other hand, they cared, loved, and nurtured us continuously. We didn’t realize it then, but they shaped us into someone who could go on and find their place in the world.

At that time, it did seem to most of us that we were at the receiving end of our parents. Too many restrictions, too many rules, heavy focus on being upright. A bit of a stretch to say, but we felt as if we were being constrained in many ways. And yet, that taught us the value of many a things. Values which we need to pass on to our kids. Yet,

How do we exercise controls and help build values, knowing fully well that we’re constraining our kids for their own good?

The second instance was an observation with our daughter. She spent a lot of time preparing a card, a booklet, and a gift bag for wifey on mothers day. She had written some wonderful things there and showcased some of her drawing and art skills. But as I read through the booklet, I saw how we have been helping her growth and yet falling short.

Now, I definitely feel that we have become much more pally with our children and have given them more freedom to do things. And that’s helping them make their own choices. But at the same time, I also think we have been shielding her from the world by being too careful.

I remember our parents weren’t so bothered about where we were all the time. Yes, times have changed and it’s become more riskier for kids to be out and about on their own. But I feel we have gone too much to the other side now, which is hurting her growth. And we need to do something about it! So,

How do we provide for various experiences for our kids in a dynamic world and yet ensure a good, wholesome upbringing?

The third instance was a post by a friend, where he wished his mother but also thanked his father. Both of them had played an equal part in his success. As I read through, I realized that it was always this balance that helped shape me. It may not have been possible otherwise.

Not that single parents cannot function at the same level. But even on our best days, it is hard to play a single role. Playing a double role through your life is incredibly difficult and something I wouldn’t wish for anyone.

Coming back, this is something that we don’t appreciate enough. How to play the yin to the yang, the apprentice to the master, the carrot to the stick. For, that balance is what creates different experiences and approaches for the child to learn from and grow. Therefore,

How do we ensure that we can complement our better halves and provide a balance that’s needed to nurture our children?

If you look at the three questions I pose above (in bold), these are all difficult ones. There are many more such demanding questions that we face as parents on an everyday basis.

And yet, we continue to do our best and the most we can in all circumstances. Doing what we think is right for our kids. And taking pride in helping them grow, feeling satisfied in the progress they and we are making…

Those welled up eyes!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Handicap – for or against

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was once a man who as a first generation businessman, built a small fortune for himself. As a self-made man, he had seen it all and knew what it took to get to the level that he had risen to.

However, for his children he wanted to leave no stone unturned. So he spent all the energy and money that was required to give them all the comforts of life. They had a good upbringing in a protective environment.

Time passed and as they progressed towards their adult life, the patriarch realised that in giving them a protected environment to mature in, he had done a big disservice to them. They had been handicapped because they didn’t know how to handle difficult situations, specially the adverse ones.

This is a story we would all have heard in some form or shape while growing up. Or as a live lecture from our parents about how it is really important for us to live within particular constraints and understand that it takes effort and patience to get anything in life.

It is this learning that helps us have a balanced approach towards life and wade through the many ups and downs that are thrown at us.

And yet, as we mature and become parents, with those constraints helping us realise the true value of things, we somehow start discounting this major learning.

We aspire to raise our kids with unbridled resources. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent wants the best for their kids and it is but natural for us to also feel and act in that way.

What’s to be balanced though is how to provide them enough freedom to experience tough situations and grow as an individual. Because that is what helps anyone rise up in life even when the chips are down.

That’s the real challenge of parenting today. Caring enough to let the kid have a sheltered environment in a nuclear family. While challenging them enough through handicaps, so that they understand life in its entirety.

And while it may seem like an easy task, I can vouch it isn’t. It’s not only difficult, it’s also taxing and sometimes tumultuous.

But we have got to do what we’ve got to do!

Bonds…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

…maketh a human being!

Right from the time we sound the bugle with our first wail to the time we utter our last word, there is always a bond we are making or breaking.

They range from our family to friends to teachers to neighbours to colleagues to acquaintances to anyone we are even remotely or virtually connected with.

And they pass through the hoops of joy and highs of success as well as through the rings of sadness and lows of failures.

Yet, what remains with us in the end is how they make us feel deep within – positive or negative, happy or sad, promising or disappointing!

Right from childhood, I have had special bonds with some people. Family members, friends, teachers, colleagues who made me feel special or wanted. At different points of time in my life, I would have given anything to spend time with them. To have fun, to learn, to play, to live life. Now, after all these years, while I may not be able to meet them often, or talk to them frequently, those memories remain. And the bonds sustain.

With others, not to disregard their presence, it was a weaker connection. The bonds snapped and we moved on to other things in life. Or due to some misunderstanding or circumstance or intention, the bond broke and we drifted apart. And yet, as long as it lasted, it ended up giving something to both of us.

While spending time with my family this week and celebrating our daughter’s sixth, I was reminded of this important aspect of our being. Of how the bonds we make or break as we go through our lives, define us as a person and move us forward.

And when I juxtaposed this thought with my daughter’s perspective, I realised that this is most true for children, as they grow out of the protective cocoon in the initial years. Their reactions, mannerisms, learnings, all get shaped up based on the bonds they form with the close circle of family, as well as with new people entering their expanded circle.

As a parent, it is fascinating to observe how they shape up around others and form these bonds. It is also a responsibility to not let our protective urge take over but to let them go through the process on their own and decide for themselves which bonds they want to foster.

That balance is perhaps how we shape up our bond as a parent with them and help them shape up their bond with life!

Suitability

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We Indians have many pre-conceived notions and beliefs. Some due to our traditions and some due to age old practices that are still prevalent today.

One of the biggest notions that I have encountered is that of getting girls married as early as possible. Even now, when girls are breaking all barriers and leading in most fields they chose to operate in, there is still this unsaid undercurrent that runs in most Indian families.

It is as if the prime responsibility of being a girl is to ensure that you get married. Hence, parents start searching for a suitable match as soon as they can and don’t sit still unless they find one. Or in a lot of cases now, until they accept the choice that their daughter has made for herself.

And while there are a few cases of girls choosing to marry when they believe is the right time for them, or placing career over marital decisions; in most cases, the tradition continues…

Therefore, those parents, who choose to let their daughters be and instead of pressurising her to get married, wait for the right time, unperturbed by the traditions and pressures of the society, deserve a special thank you.

For letting their daughter not be bogged down by an unworthy choice or a compromise. For letting her chart her own path in life. And for believing that even if she doesn’t get married, it doesn’t matter and is not the end of the world for her, for she has far greater powers in her to live a worthy life.

Because more than anything else, suitability is determined not by what the family wants but what the daughter wants. Unless she finds someone suitable and worthy enough to spend her life with, the family ought to support her choices and stand behind her. And even if she doesn’t find someone suitable, it’s fine.

I have seen a few cases in my family and have immense respect for them. And every time I meet someone like that, like I did this weekend, it inspires me with the thought that India is slowly changing and we are according more and more respect to the fairer and stronger gender…

More power to such girls. And ultra power to their parents!