Social Behavior

Hoarders!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are all hoarders. In the literal sense of the word.

Each one of us hoards something – for some it is their feelings, for some it is money, and for some it is random stuff. There may be other things too that a section may specialize in hoarding but am not going to dwell on that.

This week, as I spent some time introspecting, this question occurred to me – what does hoarding do to us and what it doesn’t? Is it helpful or is it not?

Well, I am someone who hoards feelings. I like to keep my feelings to myself. Not because I cannot let them out but because I don’t believe in sharing them at random. It may be a bane but that’s how I am built. Emotional and sensitive.

I realize that this hoarding doesn’t help me always. In fact, there was a time in my life, when things were only going downhill, when this hoarding led to major explosions within me and affected many a close people around me. It made me unnaturally aggressive and pushed me to spiral negatively. Until, I chose to just let it all go out of my system.

Since then, I have tried to keep the hoarding to the minimum. Not that it doesn’t happen now. But I try and share things more, with people who matter to me or those who I know will be amenable to hearing me out. It has helped me to not bottle up things within and maintain my balance, also ensuring I keep my sane perspective.

Some folks I know are hoarders of money. It isn’t a bad thing, in fact it is a virtue. They are able to control their impulses and not get influenced to part with their money. They generally think deeply through their head and weigh every decision in terms of the monetary angle.

While this may be prudent, in most such cases, I have also seen them taking decisions which are not conducive to their own personal health. They either go ultra hard on hoarding, thereby becoming stingy with the other things that matter in leading a good, comfortable life. Or they push away other people from them by this behavior. Ultimately, they have money but most times, not the affection of others.

I have never been a hoarder of money but often times when I come across such folks, I do try and understand their perspective about money. Because, irrespective of what I just said earlier, their discipline is commendable. And they have taught me a thing or two about being financially prudent. Thanks to them, I have developed better habits around saving money and keeping track of it.

Then, there are people I have come across who hoard things. They like to preserve and keep things for long. Even if the value or utility of that thing has long expired.

Of all vices, I think this is the most harmless. After all, you are hoarding stuff you have used at some point of time. The only downside being, if it turns into an obsession and prevents one from appreciating and using new things. For, only when we peruse the new is when we learn and grow.

The ones who hoard stuff, do so because it is not natural to them to throw away things. Sometimes it is driven by the sentimental value of that stuff, sometimes by the practical desire of using it for some other purpose, or sometimes just impulsively to avoid wastage. The thing I have learnt from them is to value things, no matter old or new – as long as it is useful to me or someone else.

As you can see from my musings above, I haven’t reached a particular conclusion here. What I did realize though is that sometimes even a term with a negative connotation could provide us insights on how to or not to do things.

Like with most things negative – there is always a positive lesson – both for the person who experienced/did it and for the observers…

Hopefully, I didn’t hoard any other insights and shared what I learnt here!

The First Time.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The battlefield was a scene of utter devastation. Scars of the fighting going on over the last two days were visible everywhere.

In the middle of it all, a young man was lying down. He was alive. But exhausted and tired by what had happened over the last two days. His breath was heavy. Not because he was injured. But because he had just re-lived the last 48 hours. How had they changed his life!

As the din subsided and things went quiet in the twilight hours, he slowly helped himself and sat down. He then deliberately ran his eyes around to soak in the scene. As if suffering from hysteria, he started weeping.

Lying next to him was his closest friend. Dead. They had both started their army life on the same day and had become good buddies very soon. He was now gone. Too soon.

The young man remembered what had happened. Charging against the other side, they had gotten into a hand-to-hand combat and his friend was severely wounded by a couple of soldiers from the opposite side.

He then recalled how enraged he had felt at just that moment, and how that rage had made him uncontrollable. He, of the gentlest manners, had then fought off the two soldiers, hesitating just a bit before killing them.

After all, he had never killed someone before. But as he committed the act twice in quick succession, he felt something churning inside him. His mind went numb soon after and he fell down, as if someone had stuck him a blow.

All the training he had got was only to prepare him with how to react physically. How to handle blows to his body. They hadn’t prepared him for what to do when a close friend gets killed. Or how to react after killing someone yourself.

At first, he felt remorse for the soldiers he had just killed. They were also young, just like him. They also would have lost someone dear to them today. How lucky were they that they didn’t have to think about those losses anymore.

Then, he felt pity on himself. How could he do what he just did? And how will he look upon himself going forward? Wouldn’t it have been better if he had just knocked them down unconscious. What did his first time at killing someone on a battlefield mean?

As he sat there for some more time, it occurred to him that this had all been inevitable. The day he had signed up for the army, he should have known that such a moment will occur some day. In fact, he knew it will. What he didn’t do was think of what it will mean to him.

It was just a day on the job for someone like him. He had chosen this path. And the after effects of the incidence were his alone to deal with…

Replace the soldiers with ordinary men. Replace the battlefield with a corporate setup or a disoriented team or an unruly class. And assume the killing to be figurative rather than literal.

Sadly, a setting most of us are familiar with and see happening around us all too often…

“Respect”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a very loaded word. Often misused as well. But it is also a very important one!

We use respect in the context of personal and professional relationships. We use it in the context of someone’s deeds. We use it in the context of how we feel about others. And sometimes, we also seek it through command, or in other words by demanding it.

In all of these contexts, what is important to note is that respect is not free. But it doesn’t ask for any fees also. On the contrary, it is something that is very intrinsic to us – both in terms of how we give it and how we receive it.

For our loved ones or personal relationships, we tend to mutually respect each other. Well, most of us. Either because the other person is elder or knowledgeable or is close enough to us.

We do it not for the sake of ourselves but for the sake of the relationship. To ensure it is healthy. To keep it going. For, how will two people who aren’t respectful toward each other enjoy each other’s company…

But there are instances when we turn disrespectful – because of something that we don’t agree with or because we are mistaken. In any case, if the personal relationship is important to us, we realize the fault and resolve the issue between the two people!

In professional relationships, we respect others if they are senior or are more accomplished or have achieved something significant. Again, in most cases.

But there is a higher frequency of turning disrespectful about others in our professional environments. I have seen umpteen seniors disrespecting juniors, team members making fun of someone they have singled out, juniors talking behind the back of someone they dislike.

This happens because there isn’t a personal bond…

What does happen in each of these instances is that it throws people off. Either because they were undeservedly disrespected, or because the manner in which they were called out.

Often, this breeds resentment. And that isn’t healthy. For it alienates people.

As is true for most things, looking at things from the other’s perspective can help us see things clearly. But then, that’s not a commonly used sense that most of us have inherently developed within!

“Legend”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is a heavy word – Legend. Could be a person who has done something spectacular in his/her field or could point to notations on a map / drawing. But it also means a story that has carried on for years about someone or something.

I am talking about the third type today…

Idling around the house this weekend, this question raked up in my mind. What is it that people around us know us for? How is it that we come across when others talk about us, even when we are not there?

Not that it really matters to me much. I am someone who doesn’t care for what people talk about behind my back. And I rarely indulge in petty gossip.

But this weekend’s inquisitiveness was more from the fact that when we do so many things in our lives, what is it that we leave behind? How do people recall us? What do we stand for?

Long back, if someone would have asked me this question when I was in my early 20’s and 30’s, I would have pointed my finger at success. How successful I am in a particular endeavor. For I believed that nothing speaks like success does.

It does for sure. But I also discovered through my own life’s twists and turns that what matters more is what we do and how it turns out. And more importantly, how do we treat others working alongside us.

We may have done something really well and still failed to see success. Or we may go the extra mile to make things happen without getting adequate results. Those efforts still count. And are still remembered by people.

In fact, as I looked back into my own life, I realized that this is the value system that I had always received. At one point in time, somewhere in the early race for life, I put that aside for a while and started treating success as more important than effort.

It took me a few shocks to get back to my previous self and understand that what matters is how I do things and how I treat others and work with them during the course of my endeavors.

As I changed my approach and my thinking, my efforts improved and so did my relationships with those who I worked with. And eventually it led me to successful outcomes. For all.

For, what is success, if it comes at the cost of burnt bridges or sour feelings…

Context and Culture

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is fascinating how we view culture. Through our eyes and based on our past experiences. But do we miss the context sometimes?

I recently had an interesting experience that forced me to think in this direction…

This happened when we went to buy new phones for ourselves. It was a pending item on our list, and we took out sometime this week to check new iPhones at a nearby Apple store.

We have bought iPhones from an Apple store in India. So we were expecting a similar experience here in the US.

In India, I recall my interactions about 4 months back, when I took my sister-in-law to get her a new iPhone. The sales guy gave as much attention he could not only to explain the product to us but made sure he stayed with us till the time the transaction was closed. This, even when there were other customers in the store, checking out the phones or other products. Maybe, he had a knack of figuring out which customer would ultimately purchase, as I observed him quickly floating in and out of the conversation with us, and helping close the sale. But I was impressed that he could devote so much time to a single customer.

In the US, while we got attention from the sales rep at the store, she had others to attend to as well. Then, as we were taking our own time to decide, she got engaged with another customer. When we were ready to complete our purchase, she was indisposed and had to put us in a queue with a wait time of 30 minutes. We respected the process but as we wanted to trade in our devices only after duly transferring everything, we decided to instead order the phones online.

Eventually, Apple got our money for one of their products. However, I couldn’t help but wonder at the seemingly easy-going approach of the sales rep. I was almost going to classify her as being too high-handed but then realized that people here respect that they may not have someone’s attention all the time and are ready to wait their turn. That’s the culture they are accustomed to.

Now, I am no one to judge which system is better and am definitely not inclining toward any particular culture. All kinds of systems and cultures can work, provided they match the context and expectation of the constituents. But it is interesting to understand why these differences exist.

Imagine someone in India adopting the US approach to sales! He wouldn’t just risk losing the customer but will also most definitely get negative remarks on his scorecard. So, he will go all out to secure the business he sees on hand.

And specially if he is dealing with luxury products, like an iPhone, he will be expected to devote as much time to the customer as she needs. It will otherwise be considered rude and unbecoming of him. Plus he always will have this at the back of his mind that the customer can go and get another phone (or even the same phone) from a different shop next door. There’s just hyper competitiveness, fueling the need to be on top of the game at all times.

In the US, I presume the customer is walking in to the store knowing that they will need time to make a purchase. And they don’t have as many stores to purchase their phones from, for sure. So, the amount of competitiveness is lesser. More importantly, Apple being the dominant brand in the US, the brand recall is higher. It has hundreds of people walking in all day into their stores and the sales system works for most people and allows them to sell efficiently.

Difference in context, which leads to different cultures!

If a US citizen visits India and heads to a mobile shop, she will most likely feel that this sales person is behind her to buy the product, when in fact he would only be acting like he would with most customers. She will be coming from her experience and expectations and the sales person will be coming from his. Just like me, who was expecting a different experience but ended up with another.

The revelation? It is very easy to label cultures, to call out things that are not as per expectations, to make fun of those ‘other’ people. It is however in most cases not the entire picture. We need to look deeper into the context of the other person/party to understand where they are coming from and to respect their culture.

That is if we are trying to be genuine…

When Input != Output

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are times when we seek inputs. Or provide them to others. On myriad things.

Do we consider whether those inputs are really helpful? To get the right output? Or are they ineffective?

A couple of weeks before, me and wifey were discussing about how we need to provide better inputs to each other. Not just call each other out when something is wrong but also appreciate when something’s going right.

And then over these two weeks, I came across a couple of more situations where I realised the ‘input’ was a problem…

Well, at work and in our personal life, we often view things from our perspective and then help others understand what we are saying and why.

These perspectives, in our viewpoint, help the other person in whatever they are seeking our help on. Most times it is innocuous and good-hearted advise on what to do or not to do.

But we tend to go astray every now and then…

For sometimes, we provide unsolicited inputs. While they make us feel good, they don’t help either the person on the other side, or us. It only shows our eagerness to jump in without a need and isn’t appreciated.

Or other times, we provide solicited inputs even when we aren’t completely aware of the topic or aren’t confident enough. But we go with the flow, not wanting to miss a chance. Doing this, we only risk our reputation and authority in things we actually know.

And then there are times when we provide inputs just because we think we can. Because either the person on the other end is a junior or a child, or because everyone else has something to say. This, while going largely unnoticed, reduces the effectiveness of our future inputs to that same person.

Oh one more. We tend to provide more inputs and advise when we see something wrong or not good enough. We do that from a point of concern or to help out but if done quite often, can also come out as belittling.

What if instead we take our word to be precious and only speak when we are really being asked and when we know we have enough understanding of the subject at hand?

I have seen a few people do that consistently. And I always believe they are better off. By being choosy, they are being genuine. And also come off as someone you can depend on. You respect them.

Time then to reconsider where I stand to give my inputs and whether to give them or not. At work, at home. In all things that I do.

After all, why shouldn’t I try and retain my authenticity, regain my mental balance, and remove any false sense of superior knowledge from my being…

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!

‘The Human Touch’

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are all human. Well, most of the time!

We want to socialize while seeking solace, we can’t live without others being around while also fighting with them, we love and hate others in equal measures for the same thing. We thrive in these dichotomies.

It’s a trait we remind ourselves about quite often. Mostly in reference to others, like, while mentioning how others ought to behave as humans while we can behave like we want to…

However, over the past couple of decades, the human element around us has been getting depleted. With some help from the internet, we are fast becoming averse to being around others, talking to them, taking help from them, and more than anything else trusting them.

We have instead started becoming more comfortable with being remote, chatting / texting, being on our own than amidst others. While, this has some benefits and brings a lot of efficiency in our daily lives, it also has some down sides.

This week, on more than one occasion, I observed instances which made me realize this side of the boundary-less world we have built for ourselves.

In the first instance, for an outstation visit, I preferred booking a cab through an online portal rather than calling up a known person in the city. I actually went through the process of identifying the cab owner’s contact no. who had provided good service earlier but stopped short of calling him. I instead chose anonymity of the new cab owner that the online platform would bestow on me because I wasn’t sure if the earlier person would again offer me a good rate / service when I wanted convenience and predictability.

As it happened, when I landed in the other city, the person who picked me up was from the same cab company. He mentioned to me how they had served me during my last visit also and requested me to call them directly for any future requirements. He in fact mentioned that I could have just called them directly this time around and they would have given me a better offer,

I hesitatingly accepted his offer, realizing that if I had just trusted them enough, I would have got a better deal for myself!

The second instance occurred while having lunch with a friend today. As is our ritualy, we caught up and chatted about myriad things for a couple of hours. The place where we were sitting was full of people with a singer belting out contemporary hits with all her vigor. We both wondered about why the restaurant had kept the speakers at such a high volume, where practically we had to shout to be heard.

But then, as I got up toward the end and was walking out, I realized that on most tables, people were sitting together but glued to their mobile phones, than engaged in a conversation. So, the music wasn’t a botheration at all. It in fact, was helping ease the uncomfortable setting that some of them were finding themselves in! So much for a lunch…

Perhaps the fault lies with us. Each one of us. By making technology an integral part of our lives, we have slowly become not only reliant on it but also caught up in its traps. Like the master turning into a slave.

Maybe, time to think about the role both of us play, unless this dichotomy caused by the blurring of the online and offline worlds around us costs us in the future…

Livin’ on the Edge!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This post is in fond remembrance of the roller coaster. Not that amusement parks have gone anywhere but it’s been ages since I visited one, so apt for me to pay my respects.

And not just because I want to go to such a place. Of course, who wouldn’t want to forget all worries and be childlike for those brief moments when you experience bliss (unless you’re freaking out about the possibility of a loose screw somewhere!).

It’s also because thanks to a few planned and unplanned trips, this past month made me remember the good old roller coaster again!

You see, when you travel on roads in India, that’s the feeling you live with all the time. Who said we don’t know how to have a good time. We do it every day of our lives.

As has often been written and mentioned, driving on Indian roads is an art. It’s one that all of us learn pretty much as we grow up and only hone as we get older.

It’s like an enthralling, never ending ride. You keep swerving and swooshing all around. Sometimes out of choice. Sometimes out of compulsion to avoid hitting someone. And sometimes just so that you remain alert while driving!

So, as it happened during my trips, I was mindlessly observing how most people drive. Sitting on the other side of the driver gave me all the time in the world to indulge in this guilty pleasure. And then I observed some more as I drove around town recently.

Well, most of us Indians drive crazily. Period. We don’t know what is a straight line, what is a lane, what are signals for, what is meant by road signs, why there needs to be space between two vehicles, why we need to drive on one side of the road if it doesn’t have a divider in between to separate up and down traffic. The list is endless.

But this is still ok. Our best behaviour is around a signal. When we all are supposed to come to standstill. It’s almost as revealing as attempting a psychometric test. Let me try to explain.

As soon as we near a signal, if it’s a green light, we want to cross over come what may. Even if that means running over someone. Or jumping the signal just as it’s changing colours. We pride ourselves on the ability to beat the timing. After all it’s all about living on the edge…

Even better is when the signal turns red. The vehicles come to a screeching halt. And then everyone starts swerving here and there. As if standing at one place is a crime. The bikes navigate every possible angle to squeeze into any open spaces. It’s like water taking the shape of the maze and filling up all the vacant areas. We don’t leave even an inch. Because of course why waste space! And don’t you forget, the marginal gain is much higher than the few seconds we would lose being two steps behind.

As the signal turns green and we start again, we start to play hide and seek. Swerving and changing lanes at will without any indications, driving as close to each other as possible with absolutely no margin for errors (we are born Schumachers!), honking mindlessly, swearing unconsciously. Mimicking a hungry snake trying to make its way through the ground, wanting to catch its prey at any cost.

Until we reach our destination, we keep up this behaviour. Because no one likes changes, you see. And then as we park and get out, we mention to ourselves “Indian traffic is getting worse by the day”…

For us, it was a hectic but satisfying ride. After all, we beat 3 autos and 5 cars to our destination. To an uninitiated onlooker, it might have been the best example of living on the edge. And how not to drive…

Short-term View

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are people who do the right thing, no matter what. And then there are those who try to do something to take advantage of the situation or get through by any means, even if it means dishonesty.

I often try and behave in the former fashion and naturally like people who also try and do the right thing. I somehow am never able to agree with or like those who try to take undue advantage or are dishonest.

Last week, as we were on a trip, I experienced an incident of the latter type that left a bad taste in my mouth. It was a minor one involving the taxi driver of the cab we hired for our trip. As we ended the trip and had to pay the remaining charges, the driver came up with some false claims and insisted on getting paid for it. While it was a small amount and didn’t affect me much in any which way but what it did end up doing was negating any respect I had for that individual.

As we carried on with our trip, that evening when I sat down with the cool breeze of the lake shore, I reflected on his behavior and what may have caused it. You see, he had behaved immaculately till then but as soon as it was time to depart, he acted with a certain amount of dishonesty and greed. So, it was unexpected for me.

But as I thought deeper, it occurred to me that we often try and take a very short-term view of things. Whether it is something about work or in dealing with others or at home, we often get caught in this quagmire when faced with a choice. Do we think about it from a long-term perspective and are ready to forego certain advantage or benefit in lieu of the relationship or service standard. Or do we think about it from a short-term perspective and try and extract the maximum at that specific moment.

Most service industries or places around us believe in the short-term benefit policy. Why yield when we can get more? Not realizing that in the process the customer leaves with a unsatisfied experience and probably never comes back. On the other hand, those who truly put the customer first provide for a superior experience and have customers for life.

Extending this a little, even in our relationships when we prioritize short-term we gain little in the long run and actually end up fracturing them. But when we focus on the long-term and ensure priorities align accordingly, we continue holding those relationships for life.

In fact, even with any kind of work or activity we undertake. If we keep our focus on the long-term, we get deeper and more involved, benefiting ourselves and enriching our experience. On the contrary, anything attempted with a short-term focus generally is a very superficial one.

Basically, long-term pays more than short-term. We still choose short-term sometimes, neglecting this universal truth. Perhaps because of circumstances, perhaps because of helplessness, or perhaps out of habit.

Whatever it may be, better to think once before deciding on anything with a short-term focus. For while we may gain immediately, we don’t know what all we actually end up losing in the process…