Personal

That empty feeling

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was standing in the corridor, stuck on my feet!

While my friends were walking away towards the after party, I felt stuck. The event was over.

It was the early months of 2009. Peak of global recession, in the aftermath of which, most people were still smarting about what turns life will take.

We all, having joined our MBA just post the Lehman Brothers collapse, were gingerly going through the paces.

However, as was our wont, we couldn’t just accept things to meander. We needed to take some control of the situation. Make some noise about ourselves.

In a country like Singapore, where you’re not a big brand, you need to figure out creative ways to do stuff.

So, we decided to organize our first inter-college fest. It was a tried and tested method to do something inclusive and network effectively, and we decided to give it a shot.

A small committee of students was formed, with I leading it. Our role was to figure out the entire program, engage with other colleges, and run the show. Pretty much everything.

We of course had some assistance from our professors and administrators, and from the larger group. But that group of 5-6 students did the heavy lifting.

As we got to the deep end, alongside our classes and the numerous tests, it wasn’t easy. We had to scramble on many fronts.

But so we did. We came out as a team and did ourselves proud. Everything started falling into place.

Eventually, we managed to get things done with a good turnout. Participation from other colleges, well organized events, fun banter, good food to go around.

As that day drew to a close, I felt a lump building in my throat. I had breathed at this frenetic pace and lived the moment for so long, that seeing it all come toward a close, my mind didn’t know what next to do.

So, as others walked toward the after party, I felt rooted to my place, smiling from the outside but feeling an emptiness inside.

A few of my friends noticed and asked me to join, I waved to them as if I was going to follow. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I just needed to be by myself. To feel that emptiness and relish the memories.

I wept in the open air. It was as if a chapter of my life had closed.

Later, the next morning, as I woke up, I realized that the heady feeling of the last few days was gone. It was replaced by a question – will I get to experience something similar again!

Rewinding the clock

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It all began a decade ago. I was holding you in my arms for the first time.

It was such an overwhelming moment for me that I couldn’t help but cry. To memorialize that moment, I even wrote down a post.

This year, you turn 10! You arenow on the cusp of teenage.

These ten years seem to have gone by with a lot of fun and emotional moments with you, but also a few filled with guilt and remorse.

There have been times when we have wondered when will you grow up. And then a lot of times when we realize that once you grow up, we will miss the days we have lived through your childhood.

At this decadal juncture, I thought it’s a good milestone for me to reflect back on how I have done as a parent. And what would I do differently if I went back ten years. So, here are some things I would like to change.

I should have been more expressive. About my love for you. I say it often but not enough times. I have subconsciously thought of it as an evident phenomenon but it needs to be reinforced more than I think.

I should have been more patient. With you. And with myself. There have been times my impatience has led me to actions that I have instantly regretted. An angry moment, an unnecessary scolding. Some of those could have definitely been avoided.

I should have been more sensitive. In trying to get you to be disciplined, I have sometimes jumped the gun and forced the matter. I should have handled those moments with a lot more maturity.

I should have assumed more ignorance. Even on things I know enough about. Because, the joy of discovery and exploration is unbridled. And I, as your father, ought to nurture it at all times and give you more chances than I probably gave.

I should have been more specific. About my intentions in a given situation. Sometimes, I have come across as overbearing, without realizing that my intention isn’t clear to you and instead, has hurt or irritated you.

There are many more, I am sure.

Although the time that’s gone by, won’t return. Those deeds and memories I can never forget. But the times to come, can change.

So, dear daughter, when you do read this, now or later, remember that your dad is trying his best to be good at this parenting stuff. It’s my first time doing this.

What I ask of you is to hold me to these commitments for the next ten years. And the next, and the next…

Connecting the dots.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Steve Jobs famously mentioned these words during his address to a graduating class at Stanford.

Watching him orate his experiences and how they helped him in his life have been an inspiration for me.

Primarily because it spoke of how nothing in life is ever wasted. Even a small experience can at some point in time light a spark to take things forward!

As time has passed, I have also come to appreciate that all of us are wired differently and connect dots differently. So even though we may have shared experiences with others, the way we perceive and recall them are different.

This weekend, as I took a couple of days off and spent time reflecting on a few things, I realised this point again.

I was thinking of the various things I have done in my life till this point. And which of those have given me joy, made me learn, and pushed me forward.

Sifting through those memories, I could see some of them connected with each other in ways I had not thought of before.

Maybe, my perspective has matured. Or changed. Or perhaps, it’s just that those dots weren’t connected before in my mind, but now are.

Anyways, I am happy to have connected those dots. For they spoke of paths I am uniquely privileged to have been on.

As I reflected back on this time spent in solitude, I couldn’t have chosen a better time. I had not done this over the past couple of years and needed this reconnection with self.

Not to mention, the calm around me also helped heal the general overload from always ‘doing’ something…

Values and Principles

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

…and the price we must pay for them.

Didn’t want to end up with such a big title but that’s what this post is about.

Most of us have some values and principles that we hold dear and are ready to go to any lengths to uphold. Yet, many a times, we don’t realize that there is a price to it, something we may need to pay for.

Today morning, I was faced with a similar situation at home. Having decided that I will stick with the principle I held important, I had to then forgo my morning sleep to finish some household work.

At first, I was irritated. I had stretched the previous night, watching a movie. And had plans to sleep till slightly later in the day. But as the principle was dear, I got up.

Then, as I was going through the motions and getting the work done, it sink in that I was doing this out of choice and not because of a compulsion. I could have chosen to step back from my principle and taken the easy route. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to.

As that feeling sunk in, it actually made me feel much better than I had anticipated. Suddenly, I started seeing the brighter side of life and decided to make the most of the day.

I spent time finishing my exercise routine in the morning, had some good conversations at home while eating, read up on a few pending articles that had been open on my iPad for a while, thought about a new story idea to pursue, and found time to play a board game.

As the day is drawing to a close, I have a feeling of having accomplished something.

Of having turned around the situation which had started with a negative thought into a positive day and outcome for me and the family.

Of having spent time doing things which made me happy. And thinking through on a couple of nice ideas.

And above all, of having stood by my principle and then taking care of the fallout without any fuss.

There are only some days like this and they come about once in a while but leave us enriched for a longer time!

Backseat Driving

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s surprisingly vicarious! Does it help, though?

I have been driving around for all my adult life. As soon as I turned 18, with the help of my dad, I learnt to drive a car.

It was fascinating. To drive around and control a machine as sophisticated as a car. Something more than 2 wheels.

With time, I became more and more adept at it. I drove for long stretches and started appreciating the mechanics of good driving vs bad.

Over the years, this skill has only honed, what with the massive increase in the magnitude of traffic in Bangalore.

However, owing to family’s (read my wife’s) suggestion, we now also have a driver. For everyday commutes to our offices and other errands.

It is actually relaxing to not grapple with traffic every day during the rush hour. It’s also frustrating, with the natural tendencies I have as a driver.

Often times, when I am not caught up in my thoughts or doing something else, my eyes are on the road and judging how the driver is driving. Many a times, I offer him suggestions from the backseat.

Surely, not a great way to delegate work. Poor chap, he takes it mostly without any objection. Perhaps, he doesn’t want to show his displeasure at my behaviour?

Having noticed this for a while, I am actively trying to curb it. Letting him drive, focusing on utilizing my time sitting idle.

But it’s not easy. I have to make an effort. Trusting him to do his job. Well. Not offering any suggestions until asked for guidance.

And when there’s an urge, learning to suppress it for the sake of my own peace of mind. Instead, observing and learning from what others around me do, so that I can do better when I am behind the wheel.

But old habits die hard. Today morning, tossing the keys to my wife, as I sat besides her, I resolved not to do much.

As you can guess, five minutes into the drive, I had heard a couple of stern warnings to be a good passenger…

#TheBestParent

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all want to be one. It’s almost like a badge of honour to be declared “The Best Dad” or “The Best Mom”.

We still falter. In some way or the other. And end up with a literal sob story.

What is it about parenting that is so complex? Last couple of weeks, I have grappled with this question.

My daughter, for the record, believes I am doing better than before. Yet, there are times when I am sure she wonders if everything is alright with me!

We both, father and daughter, have our highs. We agree on most things, give each other space to express ourselves, and respect the other’s opinions. When those moments pass by, I am left wondering how did we manage it.

We obviously have our lows. Which usually end up in I getting frustrated or angry, and she getting sad or upset. They happen randomly at times and almost seem orchestrated on other occasions, leaving us baffled about what just happened.

With a growing kid, it’s always a struggle to achieve these highs. It was far easier when she was younger, would just look up to us before doing anything. Now she has her own opinions and sometimes we end up clashing.

Back to the question: as I reflected on the last year or so of my behaviour, I realised that the root cause of the complexity stems from the fact that I have lived my life with a different framework than what is needed today.

It is easier to say this than to change myself or to adapt to changes I am expected to consider normal. After all, the frameworks I have were built a couple of decades ago!

What worked then doesn’t work now. So, we are constantly working on changing the paradigm and our frameworks. But this change takes time.

On the other hand, our kid’s expectations from his or her parents keep on evolving. Every few weeks.

And then, when we haven’t changed enough or are barely getting to the agreed upon expectations off us, the kid’s expectations have moved on. Goading us to catch up.

On some days, we win over this change or at least manage to overcome the chasm. That day we are the best parent.

On the other days, well…

Childhood Friends!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was special, spent with my first and closest friend from my childhood days.

Special not only because meeting a childhood friend is precious. But also because we met after a longish gap. Last few years were lost to Covid and then my US stint.

Much water passed under the bridge in those years. We grew a few more strands of grey, our children became older, and our parents younger in spirit!

Even then, what was unmistaken was our bonding. We still got each other instantly. It didn’t feel like we were meeting after so long.

We were aided by the comfort of spending time with each other without hurry. It didn’t feel rushed because it wasn’t just for a few hours. We were staying in the same house, with our families, doing things together.

Those are the best things that I cherish about all of my childhood friendships. The bonds, the comfort, the trust, and the ease of being around.

It doesn’t feel shaky ever. Even if we don’t meet often.

It doesn’t feel difficult to continue being in touch. Even if we haven’t talked on the phone for a while.

It doesn’t feel that we have moved apart. Even though we have come a long way.

And it doesn’t ever feel like effort. Seems like our own self.

Sometimes I think if someone had told me all of these things when I was growing up, I could have formed more such friendships.

Then, I realize that I am lucky I have a few of these friendships from my school and college days still going strong.

Thankfully!!!

Dance on…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s strange how we sometimes open up to the world!

In the first twenty five years of my life, I always saw my mom as a serious and devoted person. Always very conscious of herself and her surroundings.

She would always want to ensure she was at her best in whatever she did. But what others think of her mattered a lot to her. So her behaviour, when in public, was in some form and shape guarded.

Then, as me and my brother settled down into a life of our own during college days, I saw her get out of her focused shell that was built around us. She started doing a few more things freely.

Later, as life progressed, the instances when she would prioritize herself went up. We started seeing her less worried about others.

Over the last ten odd years, I have observed how she has come out of that cocoon. And be herself more often.

The most surprising thing about it is the form she has chosen. Dance!

I never thought she was interested in dancing earlier. But over the last few years, that has given her a chance to express herself and do it with a feeling of abandon that I hadn’t experienced.

Today, as she performed at a cousin’s wedding, in the middle of some great performers, she held onto her own. And delivered an amazing rendition of a popular song. With just a couple of hours of practice!

I am still stunned. Both because she was able to pull this off and because I could sense that she was really enjoying performing.

As I mentally saluted her and appreciated her dance in person, I couldn’t help but think about some of those things that I am living with, not yet able to express myself as freely on those aspects.

Maybe, another post on those some other time…

Retired…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

When I was 30, I thought I should do something so good that I should be able to retire at 40! Then, life happened…

I dived into my own business, tried my best to scale it and then when it didn’t work, finally decided to close it down.

It’s been ten years since then, and almost fifteen since I had that first feeling of retiring at 40. I am beyond 40 now.

And I feel, it is better I didn’t succeed in my mission then!

I will come back to this and explain in a bit. But first, a slight detour.

This week, one of my army batchmates took voluntary retirement. After serving the minimum mandatory twenty years. He had a good run and decided to move on to do something new and more interesting for him.

I and a couple of other batchmates posted in Bangalore got together to celebrate his retirement. During the party, we talked about life after retirement. My biggest observation – all of us are planning to do something post retiring.

As I came back home post the party, I was thinking of my father, uncles, and a few other elders I know. Most of them took to doing something even after they retired.

I remember, when I had naively asked one of my uncles about why he continued to work still, he told me it’s better to continue doing than sitting.

I didn’t understand it then but I do now. Because retirement is hard.

It is difficult to just sit around and not do much. It is also not the best use of time when most of us have about twenty or so years post retiring to fill our lives with.

Coming back to my statement about being happy failing at my mission to retire at 40, I think it taught me innumerable lessons. But most importantly it allowed me to view life as a large continuum, a marathon, and not a sprint.

I realized there’s more to life than just earning enough money and putting your feet up.

Well, I still want to earn enough money. But not to put my feet up. Rather, to do things I would have the freedom to try. And not having to worry about failures or getting into a tight situation.

I don’t know if it makes sense to you. To me, it does…

Pain Tolerance

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How much pain can we tolerate? Literally. In both our mind and our body.

Having suffered a serious injury that led to leaving the armed forces, and having gone through other health issues, this is not just a figurative question. It is a personal one.

Every time something happens to me, my pain tolerance behaviour kicks in. At times I take things in stride and go on without worrying. But at times, it makes me avoid anything that could cause more discomfort.

It is interesting because my mind behaves randomly on the same topic. Strange too.

This Friday, as I took a flight back home and landed with not just a jet lag but a muscle spasm around my shoulder, my mind started to work. It told me to take things easy. So, I have been. Applying ointments and eating painkillers while avoiding any strenuous activity.

What if I had something urgent to attend to at home? I am sure, my mind would have told me to forget about all the pain and instead focus on the urgent matter. I may have still needed the ointments and painkillers but those would have been taken to continue.

Reflecting on this behaviour, I was wondering why is it so? Is it normal? Is it something only I go through? Or am I being unnecessarily paranoid over something not worth its while?

My reflections led me to my earlier experiences when I had either taken heed of my mind and succumbed to the inactivity or when I had pushed the discomfort aside to focus on other important things.

What I realised is that it is all dependent on the motive. Do I have something on my hands which I am so engaged in that nothing else matters? Am I so charged up that a niggle doesn’t bother me?

If I don’t have a strong reason, my mind tends to take things easy; almost as if it is telling me not to bother because there’s nothing more important than myself. Well, that isn’t completely untrue! But it also cannot be true every time because then I wouldn’t be able to grow.

Perhaps the balance is in allowing the mind to let the body slack a bit when needed. After all, the mind and the body know better than us. Interspersed with elongated periods of acute focus and activity when nothing else matters. Something that has worked for me in the recent past.

Again, not generally applicable, but maybe it is a good practice to check on where we are in life when such a signal comes. What do we do in those moments could very well define how much fuel power we have to persevere and continue running.

Because while life is short, it is long enough to play in the balance…