How I am trying to reduce stress (and live better)

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was a bad month for me. I had constant episodes of acute headaches, which the doctor told me looked like migraine, which was worrying.

In a place like Bangalore, life’s fast and commutes too long. And with both of us working, there are endless things that take time to get knocked off the personal to-do list.

Now, for the last few years, I have been used to putting in 12 or more working hours every day and since last 3 years, have been spending close to 2-3 hours on the road during the peak hours. Leave aside the 6-7 odd hours of sleep, this was leaving only about a couple of hours for me to do all the other stuff on routine days.

These factors combined with the highly disordered traffic sense which often is irritating, the constant demands on all fronts which often is challenging, and own expectations which often are exacting, were pushing me and I was somewhere getting burdened and worked up. Which was leading to those headaches.

I had been eating well, exercising regularly, and had generally been healthy the past year. And I had taken steps in the workplace to ensure my workload could be delegated or distributed as much as possible. Therefore, when the doctor mentioned this might be due to stress building up in the system, I decided to take a long hard look at what I was doing wrong.

As I started figuring out things, 3 aspects stood out – I was spending too much time in traffic on weekdays that was leaving me with very little to do otherwise, I wasn’t doing anything for myself on weekends and they were being spent working or sitting idle, and I was rushing through life with family instead of savouring it slowly.

Naturally, I have taken some remedial steps to handle these aspects. First and foremost, I have started travelling to and fro from office early in the morning. That has helped me cut down my travel time by at least a third and given me time to spend at home or office to get things done.

Secondly, I have started writing this blog again. It has given me a tool to speak my mind and tell what I want to. It’s like giving wings to a person to let him fly. Shackles have been broken and creative juices have started flowing again.

And lastly, I have decided to take things slowly during weekends, with a lot of nudging from my wife. Apart from work commitments, which sometimes require my time, I try and spend as much time with my wife and daughter doing regular things like talking, having meals, going for a stroll in the park, enjoying a movie together, playing games, reading, and so on. Regular life stuff, which has helped me rejuvenate.

All of these have definitely helped in lowering the rush in my head. The headaches have gone away, no migraine as of now. And I am able to get more done on a daily basis, while building my relationship bonds stronger.

Sometimes, we just go off track in our life’s race and continue to run hard but in a direction that doesn’t have a very good end. Thankfully, I discovered the wrong direction I took pretty early and have been able to make corrections. Just hope to continue without going off-track again.

As for this blog, this has been a blessing in disguise…

Marriages and Happy Endings

~ Rishi

The past week, I was in my hometown for my cousin sister’s wedding. It was a grand affair, as weddings in India tend to be. As much as I will remember it for the fun we had, I will also recall it for the changing social moorings.

In our society, marriage is a landmark in a girl’s life. It’s almost as if she has been reborn into a new role with a new life.

Until marriage, she lives life carefree, like a starlet / diva, the favourite child. She is hinged to the support provided by her family. Suddenly, she steps over to a new life and world. Where she is expected to be responsible and cautious. She has to adhere to new norms and practices at the in-laws. And she probably doesn’t know anyone well enough (unless it’s a love marriage).

So, when the marriage ceremonies end and the bride leaves the house, there’s a river of emotions running through everyone – the bride, her parents and siblings, and other near and dear ones. This often culminates in large bouts of crying and hugging and a general gloom about the daughter leaving for a different abode.

Let me confess a bit here. I have always been one whose eyes get moist in an emotionally charged atmosphere. I remember having a lump in my throat on a previous occasion when my cousin sister, elder to me, was being sent off. When I got married almost 10 years ago, I had a similar feeling but with a lower magnitude.

But somewhere in my mind, I have been troubled that apart from the grief of separation and distance, it also happens because somewhere we are considering that the daughter no more belongs to our house or that she is an outsider in the new house. Or that the son-in-law belongs to another household.

Which isn’t the right way of looking at it. Even if the social practice demands that the daughter-in-law stay with her husband, she still is a daughter of the house and should be treated like one. Although she has jumped ship to come to her husband’s side, henceforth she is going to be an integral part of the family and hence should be placed on the same pedestal as the son. Or for that matter, the son-in-law has agreed to live his life with the daughter and therefore has become an equal part of the family.

So last week, as the marriage rituals concluded and the last hour approached, I was expecting a prolonged farewell session.

Instead, to my surprise, it turned out to be a happy farewell. My sister’s mother-in-law took the lead and gave confidence to my uncle, aunt and others that she is going to be treated like a daughter and they needn’t worry about anything. Her assurance and confidence preempted the grief of separation and actually turned it into a celebratory send-off. Hats off to Aunty!!!

Not that others wouldn’t have tried or the assurances don’t work. Sometimes they do. I have heard of a couple of marriages where the farewell happened in a celebratory mode.

This however for me was the first time I was witnessing it live. And it was so refreshing. When I reflected back, I realised that in this case, marriage was just a ritual and the happy farewell was perhaps a by-product of the rapport that my sister and her in-laws had built up. And the knowledge of the fact implicitly comforted my uncle and aunt – that their daughter will continue to be a daughter on the other side as well.

Wish every marriage culminates in such a happy farewell. After all, it’s a celebration and the bride and groom are getting a new set of parents…

Of Preparedness and Biases

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For the first time in my life, I was left dumb-stuck when it came to scheduling something. It was awful.

Here I was, slated to go on a trip to my hometown with my family, all planned and prepared for a long train journey after quite a gap. Only to discover a few hours before the slated travel, that somehow I forgot to book the onward tickets!

Now I am someone who generally plans well in advance and believes in ensuring as much predictability as possible. And specially when it comes to travel, I painstakingly plan each and every leg of the trip.

But this was something I had never faced. I was furious on myself. How could I do something like this. Why didn’t I discover it before. And dejected that something I prided myself on – scheduling and planning, had gone wrong.

In the minutes that followed, with limited time and lack of focus, I quickly scanned the availability of flights and booked the best possible option. I didn’t even think of checking the train availability at that point of time, which I later discovered was indeed an option.

We traveled well and got home safely. However, my mind was racing all throughout and during the quiet flight, in a sombre mood, as I reflected back on the day, I figured two things.

Firstly, I had never imagined that such a situation would occur and when it did happen, I got into a reactive mode and my brain functioning reduced significantly. Secondly, I had a comfort/past bias that train availability wasn’t an option and I couldn’t put my bias aside to take a fully informed decision.

In our lives, we tend to plan everything considering the best or normally possible scenarios. We believe bad things happen to others and not to us. In behaving with confidence, sometimes we become overconfident. We ignore the fact that we are humans and we could go wrong or situations around us could go wrong any time. And when something bad or undesirable happens, we come up against a wall, not knowing what to do. In hindsight, it is better to plan considering all scenarios and be prepared for any eventuality.

And, we all have biases, which sometimes prevent us from doing the right thing. Again in hindsight, we should train our minds to acknowledge and recognise these biases, so that they don’t cloud our judgements – whether with inanimate things or with people – and help us take better decisions.

Hopefully, I have learnt a couple of lessons that I will remember and take care to heed in days to come.

Parenting and I

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 4 years, 6 months, and 17 days. Since my daughter was born…

Her birth was one of the best moments I have witnessed in my life. Something within me instantly changed, as I graduated to being a father. Ever since, it’s been a whirlwind with her growing up.

On some days, she blows me away with her shenanigans and her take on life. With how she perceives and receives. With how much she understands and follows.

On others, she acts up and throws a tantrum or two, refuses to budge and wants her way at any cost. And whatever I may try, there’s no way out of the crying and making faces.

With hectic work schedules, I have had to stretch at times to catch up with her demands. And at times, when I wasn’t able to do my absolute best, I have felt the guilt that most working parents have – of not spending enough time with her.

At times I have felt that she should get whatever she wants and I am there to make it happen. Then there are times when I feel that if I don’t discipline and teach her, she will never learn what to value and what not to.

To be lenient or to be strict, and when. How to cope up with her fast growth and learning and still be able to teach her a few new things. And how to pass on the right values and behaviour to her. This duopoly, this constant tussle of how to be a good parent, is what I live with.

Perhaps, it’s a maze that will define how I grow up as well. As I have been transitioning through different phases as a parent, I have rediscovered life at times. Things which I had forgotten or had got buried somewhere deep down. Perspectives which I hadn’t seen earlier.

To be back home and have someone small waiting for you eagerly – to be pampered and loved, to play and have fun, and to live life without any inhibitions or restrictions; is a joy to behold and learning for life! Hoping for many more lessons and lots of fun along the way…

Independent or Dependent?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend, as I was reading my newsletters and some interesting articles on the web, I came across a brilliant piece by a HBS professor, Clayton M. Christensen (Link at the bottom). The article had appeared in the HBR July 2010 issue and really spoke to me.

Subsequently, during a casual conversation with friends, we were discussing about family ties and bonding and went into the territory of dependence/independence.

As I reflected afterwards, an important thought formed shape – How independent or dependent are we?

To think through the topic, I went through my own journey in life…

I was born and brought up in small towns in the central part of India. Had a joint family and stayed with my grandmother and uncles and aunts till I turned 12. Even after that, although I stayed with my parents wherever they moved, life revolved around the joint family, with cousins and extended families and their support.

Only post my school, I stepped on to the outside world and started living on my own. As I have progressed with my career and then my own family, distances have increased, meeting with the extended family and cousins have become infrequent, and life has generally been getting busier each passing year.

Now I am sure, this is happening with many of us in India. It is a common phenomenon in the developed world where nuclear families have become de-facto and children move out of the home to get on with their life once they finish school.

We call this independence and take pride in how we are now handling our matters without anyone’s help or interference. Nothing wrong with that. But we forget that within this independence lies a dependence.

In the earlier social milieu, our joint families supported us, our cousins kept us company, our grandparents ensured proper upbringing. If not the joint family, the community and it’s support used to carry us forward. But now, with no such support system in our cities, we have become much more dependent on our spouse than earlier.

As our children grow up, they will pursue their careers and move out to different cities and countries. And we, who raised the child(ren) will be left behind, possibly to take care of each other for a few years/decades. Without too much of a support system / people around to help out.

And in some cases, as evident from the rising differences between couples and growing rate of divorces, the past few decades/years were spent in a race which pulled the couple apart. So may not exactly be a support system in some cases. Then what?

I am not espousing or eschewing any side here – just a thought that I reflected upon today and thanked God for the support I have got till now and for my family. And reminded myself of how I need to keep building and strengthening my relationship with my wife and daughter and continue my bond with friends and family for years to come!

PS: link to the article is

https://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life

Cherished Childhood Memories

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Childhood memories are always special.

The other day, I was on my way to office in a cab and to pass time, decided to watch a couple of videos on YouTube. Don’t know what triggered the video in my feed, but I was watching a satirical take on Super Mario, the video game superhero.

As I watched it, I was smiling from one end to the other. Amused, I forwarded to some of my friends and groups and downloaded it as well. And then I remembered it again today morning and rewatched it along with my daughter.

Well, playing video games used to be a lot of fun and a time to cherish for us kids. However, it wasn’t allowed usually and only during summer vacations did we get a free run.

In fact, summers used to be the time when you could do anything – sleep till late, read tons of comics, play board/card/video games, have ice cream and soda, and on and on. So naturally, all of us cousins used to look forward to gang up during these vacations.

As I grew up, a few video game parlours mushroomed and we friends used to visit those game zones, parting with our precious savings for an hour of play, competing with each other, learning precious life lessons and enjoying together.

As time passed by, all of us grew up and went on our own paths. We catch up every now and then, when work travel takes us to each other’s place or when a wedding or function in the family comes along. And each time we meet, we end up cherishing all those memories of time spent together.

The video brought back a flood of all those memories and reminded me of not only playing the video game but also of the time spent with all my cousins and friends. What a wonderful childhood it was!!!

Women – the better halves!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Parenting has its gift of insights.

Yesterday, while with the family, a small incident led me to think about how important the role of a woman is in life…

My little one dotes on my wife – she is her mother, friend, guide, everything rolled into one. I am important, but just so. And so, every time there’s something that goes wrong, she tends to cling to my wife and I only play a supporting role at best.

My wife on her part, tries to do her best using all her abilities. But sometimes when the best isn’t enough, and I feel she is on the verge of exasperation and giving up, I get surprised as she comes up with one more trick up her sleeve and to my pleasant surprise, normalcy returns.

I cannot even imagine some of those tricks at times. And no, it’s not that I don’t try – I sometimes try too hard and fail. It’s a lot of times failing to empathise/sympathise with the little one. But it doesn’t come naturally to us dads.

So the minor incident yesterday led me to marvel at this trait of hers. And when I thought deeper, I could see that in my mother, sisters and aunts. In fact in some of my colleagues at work also.

Now that’s a spectacular trait – a woman, whatever her situation or circumstance, has the innate ability to sympathise and empathise with the child. And the same trait extends when she is with her husband, her father, her brother. Or in her career.

She might be busy like hell or totally focused on something else but you can count on her to immediately refocus, empathise and get to the root of the situation within a whisker, something we men can only wish for.

Not to say that men don’t empathise or sympathise – I am just making a comparison here in terms of whether it’s an innate ability or not. And hands down, women are better.

Honestly, that’s better off for us men too – otherwise who would understand us, allow us to be ourselves, handle all our idiosyncrasies and behaviour, and still take care of us. We would be lost without our moms, sisters, wife.

Same goes for the workplace – women are better co-workers, leaders, and influencers. And when we work with them and appreciate and respect what they bring to the table, we are better off and win together.

It’s time we understand and appreciate the women in our lives. And the others whom we work with. Specially now, when women are taking upon bigger responsibilities and managing not only the household but also their careers.

I am certainly learning to. Perhaps not so much when I was growing up or even after getting married. But definitely after becoming a father.

Kudos to the fairer and stronger gender!!!

Well Informed or Well Read???

~ Rishi

The newspaper guy knocked on the door. Bill time, I said. My wife made a mild protest – why buy a newspaper when you can read things online or use phone apps. Valid argument. But then, there are pros and cons to everything.

As I paid the newspaper bill, I muttered why it feels better to read a newspaper. But there’s been something else that’s been behind my urge to continue with a newspaper in this digital era.

And no, it’s not the idea that I need to hold a paper and read it as part of my morning routine – I ain’t the paper types – have switched to Kindle instead of stocking books long back.

There was a time in between when I had moved to online/apps to get my daily dose of news and views. Twitter was exciting and fun with instant views and counter-views. And of course, there were the numerous apps from all news channels and publications that I read on a daily basis.

But as I spent time on those news apps and on social media to get my fix in the intervening years, it slowly dawned upon me that I was also wasting a lot of time being led astray or just being consumed in the news world. Using these apps a couple of hours a day was fanning an addiction within me to stay connected and up to date on what’s happening across everything in the world, just because it felt good. And it was taking me away from reading meaningful stuff and instead cluttering my mind with things that weren’t really required to be there.

So, after those years in digital news Lala-land, last year I decided to reduce my screen time on these apps. I deleted all but one of those news apps from my phone. I looked at all the sites that I visited often and chose a handful that offered me real, meaningful stuff and subscribed to their newsletters. And I absolutely cut down on reading news on social media.

Now I login to the news app for reading about once or twice a week. I still login to social media everyday but to wish birthdays, look at what my connections are up to, and to connect in a real sense. But my dose of news now comes from the newspaper – concise and once a day. It keeps my perspective fresh without urging me to know everything that’s happening instantly.

The benefit – I have started reading much more of the meaningful stuff. From the newsletters/digests I get. From platforms like Wired and Inc42 and Medium. I have gone back to reading books on diverse subjects and broadening my horizons.

This has perhaps made me aloof from the social media and the incessant views and opinions on almost everything. But it has definitely brought back some semblance into my life.

Well, the reason for this rant is two-fold – I was today running through Twitter and felt the urge to hop into those views and counter-views but remembering my decision, stopped short and was forced to think on the subject. On a different note, I met someone yesterday who reads 100 books a year and as I was reflecting on the conversation with him, it occurred to me that how the number of people who are reading have increased but it’s got more to do with the urge to be informed than being knowledgeable.

And I had to write about how I escaped that spiral. About how the switchover has been a real life changer for me by decluttering my mind space. And in today’s fast world of numerous commitments and stress, that’s definitely been a relief.

As I close this piece, I hope that we all read and learn better and grow in our chosen paths to become well-read and not just well-informed.

New year resolution

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

A new year begins. Or as some people are enthusiastically calling it, a new decade.

Over the years, all of us have grown accustomed to celebrating the new year eve and vouching for new year resolutions ranging from getting fitter to taking less stress to following our passion. Some people plot their dreams and goals and stick them everywhere to create a positive reinforcement cycle.

It’s another matter that most of us forget about these resolutions and go back to the old rhythm. The dreams and goals are forgotten in the cold gush of the reality wind.

So when my wife asked me “what are your goals for the coming year”, it caught me unawares as I hadn’t thought about the subject at all. Somewhat ashamed, it got me thinking of two things – do I want to set some goals, if yes what’s my plan to make them happen. And if no, why?

You see, we like to conform to the society’s notion that we are constantly improving ourselves in all spheres – personal, professional, financial, spiritual etc. But it may not be as important for me as a person to focus on improvement in one of these aspects than let’s say another person X. So what kind of a goal do I want and do I really want to achieve it? I kept thinking for the last few days.

Then, on a longish flight on Sunday, devoid of other pursuits, I decided to apply my mind to this matter.

Now, in my opinion, if I am not obsessing over a goal, it’s pursuit is not going to last long. And I might as well save that time to focus on better things. Combined with the belief that if I keep at something sincerely, I will do well in it eventually, it dawned on me that I didn’t want to have any improvement goal this year, if at all.

After some thought, I have chosen to do something which is going to expand my horizons, literally. I am just going to follow something that got lost for sometime.

Long forgotten within me has been a writer lurking inside, someone who had taken a backseat in the hustle of life over the last 3 years or so.

So, this new year I am attempting to write again. Beginning with this post. Adding a new one every week and perhaps a few stories that I want to tell. Let’s see. Right now, it’s just an attempt to get back to an ex-flame. Hope to endeavour and make it burn brighter as the year progresses.