Connecting the dots.

Steve Jobs famously mentioned these words during his address to a graduating class at Stanford.

Watching him orate his experiences and how they helped him in his life have been an inspiration for me.

Primarily because it spoke of how nothing in life is ever wasted. Even a small experience can at some point in time light a spark to take things forward!

As time has passed, I have also come to appreciate that all of us are wired differently and connect dots differently. So even though we may have shared experiences with others, the way we perceive and recall them are different.

This weekend, as I took a couple of days off and spent time reflecting on a few things, I realised this point again.

I was thinking of the various things I have done in my life till this point. And which of those have given me joy, made me learn, and pushed me forward.

Sifting through those memories, I could see some of them connected with each other in ways I had not thought of before.

Maybe, my perspective has matured. Or changed. Or perhaps, it’s just that those dots weren’t connected before in my mind, but now are.

Anyways, I am happy to have connected those dots. For they spoke of paths I am uniquely privileged to have been on.

As I reflected back on this time spent in solitude, I couldn’t have chosen a better time. I had not done this over the past couple of years and needed this reconnection with self.

Not to mention, the calm around me also helped heal the general overload from always ‘doing’ something…

Content and Happy

Seems a rarity! Specially, in today’s world.

This week, during a lunch time conversation with colleagues, we ended up talking about how our parents’ generation behaves. There was an interesting observation about how most of our parents are not as enamored by money as we seem to be. Still, they are quite content with what they have and are happy about their place in life.

Then, I watched a couple of movies where, the theme of struggle played out. How, even though everyone has some or the other struggle, only a few of us find happiness in that journey. And how happiness is what liberates us from feeling as if we are in a struggle.

These two aspects are in some ways related. Contentment leads to happiness, and when we feel happy we generally feel more content.

As I thought about these dense topics, I realized that there is no easy answer.

We all appreciate what contentment and happiness looks like and feels like. We have examples in front of us, in our families or known circles. We too want it for ourselves.

On the other hand, we also know that we are trapped in the vagaries of life. We go through different kinds of struggles. We try our best but also fail in our endeavors sometimes.

So, if we understand what contentment and happiness can do for us, why is it that we still end up being discontent and unhappy? Or is it usual that our goal posts shift once we get to the point we were aiming for?

Should we just strive for that ultimate feeling? Or should we enjoy those micro moments when we get that fleeting sense?

Perhaps, it is a mixture. We try finding contentment and happiness always but experience it sometimes. We come out on top from a struggle and feel good about ourselves, to be shown the floor the next time.

Maybe, that’s what life is. Jostling between what we want and what we have; oscillating between these feelings. Or maybe, there is an unrevealed mantra to seek contentment and happiness forever.

What I am sure of is it doesn’t lie in just the hustle. It is at the intersection of purpose and effort, combined with self-awareness of having found the way out through that maze called life!

Narratives

“A spoken or written account of connected events”.

It’s what we tell ourselves and sell to the outside world. It’s how we are viewed or perceived. It’s how we co-opt ourselves into the world we want to be a part of.

It’s, however, an often misused and misunderstood term!

Last few weeks, these thoughts kept coming back to me. Only because I started paying more attention to how people around me are coming across. Including myself.

What I noticed was conflicting. Both for myself and for others.

We often try to come across as someone we are not. Or we build a story around ourselves to suit what we want to tell.

What if, instead, we chose to be our authentic selves? Would people around us stop accepting us?

And if so, are those the right people to be around us? Or are we merely the product of our choices and limited by what we already chose?

As these thoughts ran in my subconsciousness, I reflected back on my own behavior and choices. What I found wasn’t surprising.

When I chose to be my authentic self, I grew the most and was the happiest. The friendships I built in those days are strong. The bonds I cemented have lasted the test of time.

In those periods or moments when I waivered to subscribe to a narrative I didn’t feel natural with, I suffered. My relationships and friendships suffered too. That suffering wasn’t however evident to me while in that moment.

The funny thing is, even though I know this, it is difficult to not fall into that trap again. As a social animal, I am bound to get influenced. And bound to get disappointed again.

Maybe, the trick is to break the fall by doing a reality check frequently. Or when the narrative is changing.

Who said breaking the pattern is easy!!!

Being Grateful

Being grateful is often something we talk about. How it’s an important aspect of leading a happy life.

And yet it is so difficult to feel that way constantly!

This weekend, I was speaking to my daughter about how wonderful a life she has and how she should be grateful about it.

While discussing the subject with her, I was telling her to look at the bright side of life always. As I gave her some examples of things she has, which others don’t, I realised the same holds true for me also.

Then, as the conversation progressed, and I was telling her about the numerous problems in the world and how we should be thankful that we are relatively better off, it occurred to me that this was applicable for me too.

Finally, we chatted about the notion of positivity and negativity, and how it is upon us to look at the bright side of things and lead a happy life. While she nodded, I felt like nodding too, to acknowledge this in my heart.

As she agreed with my reasoning and to keep these perspectives in mind, I couldn’t help but remember how I had had a similar conversation when I was young.

And then in a few years I had to be reminded of them again. Not because I had forgotten but because I had chosen to not remember.

It happens again and again. Every few months, I have to keep reminding myself of these truths.

Something so simple but so difficult to follow…

Pain Tolerance

How much pain can we tolerate? Literally. In both our mind and our body.

Having suffered a serious injury that led to leaving the armed forces, and having gone through other health issues, this is not just a figurative question. It is a personal one.

Every time something happens to me, my pain tolerance behaviour kicks in. At times I take things in stride and go on without worrying. But at times, it makes me avoid anything that could cause more discomfort.

It is interesting because my mind behaves randomly on the same topic. Strange too.

This Friday, as I took a flight back home and landed with not just a jet lag but a muscle spasm around my shoulder, my mind started to work. It told me to take things easy. So, I have been. Applying ointments and eating painkillers while avoiding any strenuous activity.

What if I had something urgent to attend to at home? I am sure, my mind would have told me to forget about all the pain and instead focus on the urgent matter. I may have still needed the ointments and painkillers but those would have been taken to continue.

Reflecting on this behaviour, I was wondering why is it so? Is it normal? Is it something only I go through? Or am I being unnecessarily paranoid over something not worth its while?

My reflections led me to my earlier experiences when I had either taken heed of my mind and succumbed to the inactivity or when I had pushed the discomfort aside to focus on other important things.

What I realised is that it is all dependent on the motive. Do I have something on my hands which I am so engaged in that nothing else matters? Am I so charged up that a niggle doesn’t bother me?

If I don’t have a strong reason, my mind tends to take things easy; almost as if it is telling me not to bother because there’s nothing more important than myself. Well, that isn’t completely untrue! But it also cannot be true every time because then I wouldn’t be able to grow.

Perhaps the balance is in allowing the mind to let the body slack a bit when needed. After all, the mind and the body know better than us. Interspersed with elongated periods of acute focus and activity when nothing else matters. Something that has worked for me in the recent past.

Again, not generally applicable, but maybe it is a good practice to check on where we are in life when such a signal comes. What do we do in those moments could very well define how much fuel power we have to persevere and continue running.

Because while life is short, it is long enough to play in the balance…

Empathy and Care

In most things, we men are not as ripe between the ears as the women folk are…

Our wives are much better than us in most things. Our moms are way more perceptive than we can ever be. And our sisters are the elder one, even when we may have been born earlier.

I am sure there are numerous such anecdotes we can relate to. We have all heard about how women are great at making decisions or working through chaos to get to the right outcomes.

The reason? I think it has to do with empathy and care.

A few days back, as my wife and I were discussing something about our daughter’s behavior, I realized that she was looking at the matter through the eyes of our daughter. While I had been looking at it from only our eyes.

As we discussed more, and I looked deeper through her thoughts, it was all because of her empathy toward our daughter at all times.

My focus was on how our daughter should be behaving and therefore what we need to do to amend it. Whereas, my wife’s focus was on why she was behaving the way she had been and the gap that we need to fill – to help her get to where we want her to be.

We both care for our daughter and wanted to influence her toward the right path. My process was to point her directly to the path, my wife’s process was to stand with her and show her why the right path is the one to choose.

It isn’t that I am not empathetic. I think I am. But only when I want to be or when I think there is a need. She however, is so by nature.

Similarly, my mother’s perception of most situations is quite deep. Because she thinks empathetically about the people and the surroundings and cares. Whereas my father may only be looking at one angle and not considering all those aspects. I have seen it enough no. of times but hadn’t realized it until recently.

I could go on with more such examples but what I am driving to is this – most men are wired differently. We like to get to the point and stick to our opinions. We try and eliminate variables and focus on the main topic. And move on to the next problem or situation.

Women on the other hand, take their time to consider multiple things before deciding. They are not afraid to get into more complexities and while they may deviate sometimes, they always come back to the path.

Is it important then, for us men, to learn new ways? Of course, they can help us. But that’s not the point.

I think there must be contrasting views and approaches in most situations, coming from both men and women, for us to decide the best way forward. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we aren’t.

What’s important is to remember that we need not always be right. And our wife/mom/sister have an equally valid point of view, which must be considered and factored in the final decision!

Or better still, let them take the decision and follow along…

I cannot see clearly any more…

All these years, I prided myself on my good eyesight.

Even though I have worked on screens for a very long time, I have never worn specs. Even though I have continued to grow older, my eyes have remained healthy.

It was all clear! But not any more…

Last week, while getting a regular eye test done, I discovered that my eyes have developed a slight weakness. And hence, I need glasses to see things clearer.

When the doctor told me, it took me a while to process that my pride had been hit. He helped me understand that what I have is a very common condition, due to aging. But I didn’t take it very well.

I went with the flow and ordered the glasses but somewhere deep down I was still fighting with the reveal.

While I knew that I would some day have to wear them, I had always thought of wearing glasses as a distant thing, to happen sometime in the future. Which isn’t going to come sometime soon.

Until it came. And signaled to me that my thinking cannot remain the same for years together!

It has taken me some time to get used to wearing my glasses. I am still going through the learning phase, getting in sync with the idea of having to wear them.

It’s the same with a lot of new things that happen with us through our life. When they happen, we are not sure about them. Sometimes we are surprised, sometimes we take it in our stride.

Then, as we begin to adapt to the new change, we feel certain inhibitions. How would things change? What does this mean? Etc.

Finally, if we agree with the change, we become one with it and accept it. If not, we reject it and move on. Either way, having gone through the experience enriches us.

Not that it helps us avoid those feelings in another instance. Or decide to accept or reject it immediately.

But it does give us a perspective about ourselves. About how our thought process changes and how new things get embedded in our being.

Unfortunately, for me this time, there’s no option to reject. But then, maybe, there’s a hidden good in all of this. I do look more serious and matured with the glasses!!! 🙂

Hindsight

I have often wondered, with the wisdom of hindsight, about how I could have done certain things differently.

It seems so obvious or clear at times.

And yet, when we are in the midst of something, we don’t have the same line of sight.

So, we go with what is the best approach or the most sensible decision at that point of time. Then, when we look back, we realise whether that decision was a blunder or was fine.

This week, as I got some time to sit down with my parents and talk, we ventured into the past. And discussed how some things that we decided on panned out for us.

It was surprising for me to note that we made quite a few mistakes. But even then, overall life has turned out fine.

The most important realisation however was the fact that whatever we decided on, we did it with the right intention. And with a feeling that we are doing something because we will be happy about it. And we followed through.

Although, in hindsight, the outcome may have varied from what we desired, but the happiness out of that decision was real.

And that to me is the real treasure uncovered from all those decisions!

Being happy about having made that decision and not getting influenced by the anxiety post that decision, or the frustration of the decision not turning out well.

In this age, we often get befuddled about whether our decisions will turn out fine or not. Or what will be the outcomes.

Only if we could decide on things with purity of intention, and follow through with the right plan, we would be so much happier for it…

How Does It Feel?

Iman was sitting at a table in the college canteen. He had a plate full of vegetable Hakka noodles, his favorite dish. And yet, he wasn’t feeling like eating.

There were students thronging nearly all tables, orders flowing in thick and fast, and he had landed in that zone all by himself. It was his first week in the college and he hadn’t made many friends. A couple of boys, who he had gotten to know better than others, were still in the library.

He had tried to evade the growing hunger and somehow skip eating lunch alone. But he knew better than to not have food. So, heading to the canteen, he ordered the dish that seemed the easiest, and had taken a seat at a smaller table.

While he was still thinking, another boy, who he recognized was from his own class, came towards him, smiling. He just said a hi and sat down. After all, college canteens are not a place to check if you can join someone. You just grab a chair wherever you can find one, specially during the lunch hour.

The other boy introduced himself as Kamran. Iman introduced himself, and they started to talk about some random stuff about classes. Soon, they got down to eating their food.

Kamran had a plate full of rice, a rich thick gravy, a little bit of curd, some salad, and a couple of other things. His plate was overflowing, everything just about managing its place. Some of the accompaniments had mixed with each other, creating colorful melanges of their own.

Kamran didn’t have a big appetite. But he relished the usual homely style lunch more than some of the fast food items and wanted all things available. He was also not averse to using his hand at times, to aid his rather quick fire style of eating.

Iman was a more ‘polished’ guy. He had been taught table manners since he was a child and usually enjoyed his food neatly laid out, picking on things separately, always using some cutlery. Naturally, he found the sight of Kamran’s plate and his eating style not to his liking. He was however, far too proud to call it out. Instead, while continuing the small talk, he kept observing Kamran.

Kamran on the other hand, also realized that his classmate had different eating habits. Kamran had not eaten like that ever, so he was also intricately watching Iman indulge in his food.

This went on for a while. The two boys continued their banter and continued to observe each other.

By this time, Iman was feeling slightly unnerved about what he was witnessing. But he could also see that Kamran was really enjoying his food and that intrigued him. How could one eat with such abandon, have so many things that are all mixed up at the same time, and yet enjoy it? What about flavors and manners?

Kamran was astonished by the methodical manner in which Iman ate and wished he could develop such sophistication. He also saw that Iman was very adept at separating out ingredients and picked at them at will, which raised questions in his mind about taste buds. For him everything was the same!

Both boys, by this time had realized that there was something amiss about them. Iman had not had so much enjoyment eating food ever. Kamran had never relished food but always considered it as fuel for the body and was always happy eating it.

As they finished their food, and walked out together, both of them were thinking the same thing – “Not that I want to be, but what if I could eat like him for a while? Wouldn’t that be cool?”

In the background, Dylan’s song played out from inside the canteen, “How does it feel?”…

Second chances

Our brains are small. Our hearts are smaller…

We are not hesitant in calling out mistakes or pointing misses…

We are very reluctant in accepting that we were the one who made one!

This week, while discussing a professional helper, me and my wife were talking about how he had done a good job the first time but his output had not been up to the mark recently. As we talked about it, I realized it wasn’t a great thing to do.

The person was probably having a bad day. Maybe, he had some other problem due to which he didn’t do as good a job as before. Or maybe he did the first one better by mistake.

Whatever the case, I argued, we shouldn’t be passing judgement on his capabilities this quickly. His output the first time deserves a recall again. We agreed to take his service once more and the conversation ended.

As I was thinking about it later that day, I realized this happens with us almost all the time. Whether it is work or home, we tend to categorize and label other folks far too quickly. Or worse, change our opinion quite soon. Without really giving the person benefit of doubt. Without allowing for any off days.

But when it comes to ourselves, we expect one more chance. Always. Even when we have made mistakes after mistakes. Because, we probably still genuinely want to do better. But the person on the other side doesn’t believe so. And we lose our chances sometimes.

The same is true in our public dalliances too. We are very forgiving of our own mistakes or misdemeanors but when it comes to others, expect them to always show up at the top of their game.

What if we became slightly more tolerant of deviations and really looked past the last report or day’s work, to evaluate how the other person had done so far? A good performer does need to be given some bit of an allowance. A second chance.

I think it will do us a world of good. We will stress less about doing everything right but still will generally do the right thing. We will focus more on ensuring positive outcomes consistently rather than worrying about completing the next iteration successfully.

And that will result in not only a happier but a more relaxed life. For all of us. I believe…