Social Behavior

Social Levels

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all live in a society. And the society has its peking order. That’s what we have all seen in our lives. And that’s how we behave mostly!

This weekend, as I finally finished watching ‘Rome’, a series covering the history of the Roman empire during the times of Julius Ceasar and Octavion Ceasar, I grappled with these thoughts in my mind. While I always enjoy history and the stories that it tells us, it was most interesting to study the intricacies captured in the series related to different social levels, ranging from the nobles to the senators to the plebs (common people).

As I thought through, I realised that the same structure has been theorised in all the ancient cultures, whether it is Indian (recall Shabri in Ramayan or Karna in Mahabharat) or others (circa Rome). It is as if all through our history, people have always been divided into social levels based on who does what or who owns what.

And that’s been a cause for strife. Whether the fights that have happened through the ancient history centered on religion, or the wars and battles in the medieval history emerging from the fight for ownership, or the revolutions in the modern history focused on rights, all have one thing in common. The oppressed and the downtrodden have risen and revolted against those who are in power or are better off, to take back what they think is rightfully theirs.

Now it’s not in my domain to comment on what or who is right or wrong. People have fought and continue to do so because we humans can’t live with each other for long before disagreeing.

But what I realised is that before all of this, when we were still evolving and had to survive in the wild jungles, there surely wouldn’t have been so called ‘social levels’. Yes, there would have been a leader of the pack (assuming animal behaviours that I know of), but otherwise it would just have been an equal footing for everyone. All working together to fend off danger and survive to the best of their abilities.

As an analogy in our current world, often when we are faced with a danger, we group together and fight it, forgetting if the others are of the same social level or not. People who aren’t likely to sit together, help each other in crises like a terror attack, a flood, a famine etc. But go back to normalcy, and the camaraderie also goes away…

These social levels permeate our behaviour in many ways. Whether its deciding where to live or what to do and how, we all try and abide by the societal norms of our level and aspire to grow to the next level. Be it in our kid’s education, or the company we wish to keep, or the way we change our conduct as we start progressing in life. Even when it comes to marriages, we solicit a match for our sons/daughters based on our social level and seek someone higher up if possible.

This psyche unfortunately divides us into splinter groups as a society. And creates fissures. The servant or maid who works for us doesn’t get the same opportunities for his/her family and while serves us faithfully (?), despises us and secretly wishes to rise up and show us some day that s/he is an equal. Or the people who assume an air of superiority and try and showcase their “upper class”, leaving some of us jealous of their success and ready to do anything to reach the same status.

Does it really help us as an individual or family? I don’t know. It probably is a very superfluous mirage to hold.

What it definitely does is create a sort of dissatisfaction within us about why we are not at the next level yet. And that’s troubling. Because, that takes away our happiness and the beauty of our lives in the present…

Individual Identity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

After having dinner with a couple of friends this weekend, we went over to have a paan (betel leaf preparation). A casual conversation with the store owner bought about a new perspective!

We were standing and discussing about our hometown(s) when the store owner intervened in the conversation and asked us where we were from. That led us to ask him the same question, to which he answered Allahabad. We casually joked with him about the city, stating that it is where Amitabh Bachhan comes from and he must be happy to be from the same city. He confidently replied, “it is not I who is from the place that Amitabh comes from, it is he who comes from my place”!

His confidence was exemplary. Without a trace of hesitation he put across his point of view very simply but assertively. He reasoned that he considers Allahabad as his city, as he grew up there. And whosoever is from there, irrespective of the stature of the person, he considers them from his city and not vice versa.

On my way back, I recalled one such incident that happend with me. During the introduction round of my post-graduate batch, I had mentioned that I was from a town called Khandwa, which is famous as the place from where Kishore Kumar came from. A senior professor later retorted and asked me about why did I feel the need to qualify my hometown as such. I was not sure what led me to making that statement and relation then.

But as I reflected today, I realised it may have been because I wasn’t confident enough at that time about where I came from. Perhaps, looking at others who came from the big cities, I was intimidated. Or perhaps, I felt the need to qualify my statement to help others relate something to my place of origin and recall it later as easily as they would have remembered other places.

It was only later that I became comfortable in my own skin, irrespective of anyone’s presence or background; and confident enough to know that I can stand on my own in any kind of a setting. To see that level of confidence in the store owner today, was a refreshing feeling.

As that conversation played in my mind again and again on the way back home, I felt that this extends to not only something as basic as our place of origin or what is our background but to all facets of our lives. We always try and relate ourselves with people, things, events, etc. In a lot of those cases, we belittle ourselves by choosing to associate ourselves with others just to fit in or to make ourselves relatable. We forget that there is an individual identity we own that makes us unique. That uniqueness defines who we are, with each of us standing out in a crowd, rather than looking all the same.

I believe, the ones who understand this fact faster in life, have an easier existence than those who take time to come to terms with it. Accepting one’s uniqueness frees us from the encumberances of the society and allows us to freely express ourselves. It also leads us on a path where we are not at odds in different settings, helping us to give our best to whatever we are doing. And lets us be.

Hopefully our young ones, who are much more confident in their skin on almost all things, would reverse this trend. After all, individual identity is what we all strive for and what they ought to discover sooner than later…

Bored.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

My 5-year old has learnt a new phrase. Whenever she feels that she needs to do something exciting and is not getting enough attention, she says “I’m bored”!

As the situation has progressed and months have passed, the utterance of this phrase has only increased. At first, we thought it was something new she had learnt from her friends and was just showing off. However, we soon realised that it was frustration at not being able to do a lot of things that she could do earlier.

The more I have talked to other parents, friends, colleagues and people, I have realised this is one side of the pandemic situation that we all are facing in common. Most kids, across age groups are ending up with this feeling of being bored.

With the schools closed and online classes becoming the new way of teaching, they are not getting that time they used to spend with their buddies at school. Naturally, they are missing the fun and frolic that the school environment allowed them to have daily.

To top it up, while they see their parents the whole day and theoritically have time to spend with them, with the parents being caught up in office work and household chores through the day, that window is very small.

And while, they play with friends who live in the same community or area, it clearly isn’t satisfying their need to be constantly doing something exciting and fun. And that’s probably the reason for the increased occurrence of the “I’m bored” syndrome.

As I was talking to a friend over this weekend and we were lamenting about this common issue, I realised that this is a problem that may have some long time repurcussions.

Specially for young kids who are in their formative years, the years which form the basis for their learning. About how to build bonds and friendships. About social behavior. About dealing with different situations on their own…

But try as we might, this situation isn’t changing quickly. And therefore, as parents, it is upon us to expose our kids to whatever we can, in the spaces we are confined to.

So that, when things re-open, they don’t find it awkward to get back to the normal life, like we used to have! Hopefully, sooner rather than later…

Time travails!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Over the last 1 week, I have seen 2 movies where the concept of loneliness gets mentioned prominently. Ruminating about the present situation, in both the cases, there is a satirical solution to solve for the problem most people in these modern times face…

Sitting idle on a rainy Sunday, eschewing the choice of watching another movie or reading another book, I decided to delve deeper into this abyss.

Being a working couple, with multiple calls and meetings jam-packed into our schedules, we have been finding it tough to get time for ourselves, apart from the household chores that never seem to end. That leaves us with very little time to talk to each other on most weekdays or have fun as a family.

It wasn’t so earlier. I remember, in the previous decade, while work was hectic, there was a physical cut-off time that most people followed and respected. And while there were those odd days or weeks, where you had to put in extra hours, without the always connected, ubiquitous gadgets, our lives were much simpler.

Evenings after office work used to be spent in chit-chatting about sundry things. Or in watching some television. And talking to other family members and friends.

During childhood, it was even better. I recall that when my father used to return from his work, we all used to sit down and have a hearty conversation. And so it went on, until dinner time and sometimes, even post that. That was the daily succour with very little options on television – the only thing being the evening news that was part of the daily routine.

As we have got more options to remain connected and have more gadgets at our disposal, somehow we have been robbed of our time. When we are not working, we feel the urgent need to connect with the world through the technology in our hands. That behaviour has percolated down to children and today it is not uncommon to see teenagers glued to their screens with scant awareness about what’s happening around them.

And then there is the entire focus on ‘Me Time’. About doing something which dissociates us from the daily tribulations of our work. While earlier, most people had constructive hobbies to pursue during such time, these days it is spent mostly on streaming platforms, or browsing through social media, news, shopping websites, WhatsApp chat groups, and what not.

Most of us have fallen in this trap of always being connected, with a false sense of interacting with the world and being informed, instead of spending time with those that matter the most in our lives. And that is what I feel is leading to this feeling of loneliness and hollowness.

While we cannot do away with the demands of work in an inter-connected, hyper-sensitive and globalised environment, it is upon us to draw out our boundaries to ensure that we maintain a balance between work and life. And that spare time can be utilised for not just browsing the phone but also talking about anything and everything under the sun to the people who matter in our lives. In person or on a phone call (not virtually!). And to teach the same to the next generation!

Having consciously tried to minimise after-work and weekend screen time over the past few weeks, my wife and I have been able to find those small passages of time, where we reconnect and talk to each other. And that has helped us refresh ourselves mentally, winding down in the evening or on weekends. It has also helped us reduce the screen time for our daughter, who otherwise used to be gunning for another go at some cartoon show.

While I cannot claim to have found the elixir to this lifestyle crisis, the progress in our personal case gives me hope that we have it in us to undo the side effects of technology use and get real again!

Change is the only constant

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As I heard one of the characters in a TV series talk about how change is messy and difficult and not something worthwhile, I recalled this title phrase. And the truism associated with it.

I have always been a firm believer of how change is for the good. It has helped shape my life and provided me tremendous opportunities to learn and grow.

Well, change has been the order of life for me all throughout. I studied in 6 different schools, moving places every 2-3 years. I have pursued 4 different professional tracks in my career. And yet every time there’s some change – big or small, I feel uncertain and out of control.

However, having experienced so many changes in life, I have learnt a trick to handle these situations. Instead of further sinking down into anxiety, I let go. It is not easy – difficult to dissociate and let things flow. But what I have realised is that it’s better to flow than to resist.

As I look around these days, on one side I see people embracing change and adapting to the circumstances but on the other hand, I observe a sense of inertia. As someone who studies people and behaviours, I have realised these responses are all about those 2 words “Letting go”.

People who aren’t embracing change aren’t comfortable letting go. They feel like they have to own and drive things, not let it drift or be driven by something or someone.

This is true not just in the professional world but the personal one also.

The mother who doesn’t let go of the child to play alone, fearing a fall or a scratched hand. The parents who still want to manage or help their grown up kids in everything they do. All of these “not letting go” examples only point to the inertia that the mother or parents feel about the impending change or growth.

In the professional world examples abound. We all have seen or worked with the manager who wants to micromanage. Or the senior who wants to take Center-stage all the time. Or the old guard which refuses to adapt to new ways of working. It’s again a matter of “not letting go” – the anxiety of what will happen if I don’t do it my way.

What we don’t realise is that by not letting go, we create further resistance, which sooner or later leads to breaches. Be it the kid who finds ways and means to slip out of the parent’s radar to do her own thing. Or the junior who gives up and leaves the job for better opportunities where she can grow. The breach happens as the resistance becomes untenable.

As we navigate through this Covid-19 era, where trust is dipping down and anxiety is increasing, it would serve us well to realise that this too shall pass. That this change will allow old ways to be replaced with new ones. And rather than fighting it, remembering that after all is done and dusted, the changes will be for the greater good.

Let it go…

Humanity in the time of Covid (and surprises)

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was a surprise that took us all by surprise! And a relaxed weekend after many a weeks (which itself was a surprise) quickly turned into a few days filled with anxiety…

When Covid started, I am sure none of us would have imagined the changes that would happen to our lives in just a matter of few months. And as the pandemic has progressed, we have all heard of stories about how on one side people have gone out of the way to help out and on the other how skepticism and misinformation have led to social ostracism for some.

When last Sunday, my niece got detected Covid positive, it was a surprise to us. Surprise because the poor soul had shown no symptoms and had not even ventured out of the house. In fact she had only gone for testing so that she could travel back home to her parents.

Post the initial surprise, we realised urgent measures need to be taken. So while we arranged to quarantine her in a separate room, I also had to inform the society members, where we stay, about the developments.

I must say I was apprehensive. How would the news be taken by the other residents. How would they react? How would they treat the family, specially the kid? These and more thoughts crossed my mind.

However, putting them aside I called up the office-bearers and informed them out of duty. I also assured them that we are all going to get ourselves tested and are taking all precautions as necessary.

I was cautious and doubtful still. Over the next day, as the association sent out an information email without disclosing names, I expected a few not-so-good replies.

But I was pleasantly surprised by the replies. As our test results came negative, and the association disclosed the details, the kind of messages and emails I got from the other residents was overwhelming.

Almost everyone replied and asked if we were doing fine and if they could help in any way. Some even called up and offered their help. It was overwhelming because most of them we have interacted very less with.

As the days have passed by, people have voluntarily filled in for any support required. The association got all of us some icecream, the neighbours joked around on WhatsApp groups and kept the entire atmosphere light, and the other residents regularly checked in.

Although our niece is doing fine now, having tested negative, it has been quite heartening to see the support we have got from the community during this home quarantine period. It has definitely made these anxious days less taxing and dull. And helped us get to know our community better and make new friends.

Here’s to the residents of our society and to the power of humanity. And to life full of surprises!

It’s Really About Us Now!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Kids are really getting intelligent and aware these days! A conversation between my younger one and her cousin sister of the same age today morning really got me thinking.

To begin with, the conversation went into all directions of missing each other and not being able to meet due to the coronavirus situation. And convincing each other how it is best for them to stay indoors.

Surprisingly, both of them came out trumps – while one mentioned that we shouldn’t venture out, the other offered masks. When one blurted that policemen will catch us, the other corrected that policemen are good people and will only explain nicely to us. While one talked about online school starting, the other one talked about social distancing!

As I listened to both of them, I was fascinated to know the sheer understanding that the two small kids had of the surrounding and what ought to be done.

Contrast this with the irreverence and casual nature of some of us grown ups in handling the situation. We have been eager to break the lockdown and not follow the norms for small reasons. There have been blatant violations of the lockdown code by all and sundry, well televised and circulated.

And then we are dismayed at the unfolding situation across the country. How our infection numbers are not coming down and how the lockdowns haven’t been successful. How the economy is in tatters and how the opening up is going to further increase the number of cases. There have been arguments galore – on television, in newspapers, and in WhatsApp groups – about what strategy is better.

But all of this begets one question – who is responsible to improve the situation? Is it we or the government or someone else?

Well, I for one believe it is incumbent upon us to take all precautions and ensure no harm comes to us or leads from us. Only then can we prevent ourselves, our near and dear ones, and others. And if we don’t do that, we don’t have the right to question.

Because a General is only as good as his men. A team is only good as it’s weakest link. And a nation is only as good as it’s citizens.

So, time for all of us to put on our ‘A’ game and make ourselves and the nation proud…

Personal Satisfaction, guaranteed – Part 3

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

And then there were many!!!

In the last 2 posts, I have talked about my perspective of nation building from the eyes of the Armed Forces and the government setup. We all in some form or another recognise their contribution to keep the wheels of the nation chugging along.

But what has happened over the last couple of months is something I never imagined would have come to the fore.

As the ongoing lockdown has continued unabated for the last 5-6 weeks, we have had stories of multiple frontline health workers going out of their way to keep us all safe putting themselves in peril. We have read about policemen going beyond their call of duty to serve the nation in enforcing the lockdown. And of scores of NGO’s and individuals serving the poor and the needy.

Some of these stories have helped us all appreciate what people in the public life go through. The silent workers behind the veil of obscurity who get recognised as social servants. Who are considered as the average joe because they get paid less than the ones who joined the high flying corporate world.

And yet they continue to serve the nation and go on with their jobs. Because it yields personal satisfaction. And pride.

We however, on the other side of the road don’t recognise it much. As someone who has been on that side of the road, it is painful to see how less we care about our men and women in the Armed Forces or serving in the Govt. Or how much we respect what they do.

It is only when situations are tense or there’s some mishap or a black swan event like this current crisis, is when we take note of the great sacrifice that these people have to make. We talk about it but after a few days we forget.

If there’s one thing that I wish we carry with us after this crisis is past the post, is the immense burden these blessed souls carry on their shoulders and the great work they do to keep us all functioning and alive. Hope we all remember it deep in our hearts the next time our path crosses theirs.

And more importantly, now that the lockdown is being lifted in phases and we are going to go back to our lives as usual, hope we respect the hard work and sacrifice that has been put in on the ground across the nation and take care of ourselves and our society as per laid down norms and practices during these difficult times. We owe them a successful result after the last 5-6 weeks of hardships and toil…

On Friends and Fights…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Friends are our lifeline. They are the ones who keep us afloat in good times and bad…

This past week, we had a couple of occasions when the little one had a mini fight with one of her friends. The ones you feel important about when you are young but feel amused by when you think back as a grown up. Reminded me of my own days with friends and how I grew up.

The good thing is, while growing up you become friends without thinking about intentions and benefits. Without worrying about the past, present, or future of the person. And remain so for as long as you are alive and kicking.

Thanks to my dad’s transferable job as a banker, I got the opportunity to travel to a few places and make new friends every 2-3 years through my childhood. Each place and friend group taught me new things and helped me make memories for life.

I had quite a few of those cherished friendships, with boys and girls. From my school days as well as during college. Friends, some of whom became very close and continue to be. And I spent tons of time with them.

But it wasn’t all rosy. I had my share of fights, big and small, across the spectrum. A lot of times they were silly, some times futile, and only a few times necessary. But at that point in time they all felt important.

I remember fighting umpteen times with friends while playing. Incidents I laugh with them about now. Some of the others were serious but quickly resolved. Only a couple of them were of the kinds that did permanent damage on both sides. And were really important.

Yet when I look back, those incidents helped me shape up. I became more accommodating and understanding of the other view point(s), of learning to accept differences and agreeing to disagree. And of knowing when to stay and when to walk away.

So I tell my little one. She is too young to understand these things and hopefully will have her own positive learning curve from these fights with friends.

And will probably grow up looking back bemusedly at these young days…

Of Preparedness and Biases

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For the first time in my life, I was left dumb-stuck when it came to scheduling something. It was awful.

Here I was, slated to go on a trip to my hometown with my family, all planned and prepared for a long train journey after quite a gap. Only to discover a few hours before the slated travel, that somehow I forgot to book the onward tickets!

Now I am someone who generally plans well in advance and believes in ensuring as much predictability as possible. And specially when it comes to travel, I painstakingly plan each and every leg of the trip.

But this was something I had never faced. I was furious on myself. How could I do something like this. Why didn’t I discover it before. And dejected that something I prided myself on – scheduling and planning, had gone wrong.

In the minutes that followed, with limited time and lack of focus, I quickly scanned the availability of flights and booked the best possible option. I didn’t even think of checking the train availability at that point of time, which I later discovered was indeed an option.

We traveled well and got home safely. However, my mind was racing all throughout and during the quiet flight, in a sombre mood, as I reflected back on the day, I figured two things.

Firstly, I had never imagined that such a situation would occur and when it did happen, I got into a reactive mode and my brain functioning reduced significantly. Secondly, I had a comfort/past bias that train availability wasn’t an option and I couldn’t put my bias aside to take a fully informed decision.

In our lives, we tend to plan everything considering the best or normally possible scenarios. We believe bad things happen to others and not to us. In behaving with confidence, sometimes we become overconfident. We ignore the fact that we are humans and we could go wrong or situations around us could go wrong any time. And when something bad or undesirable happens, we come up against a wall, not knowing what to do. In hindsight, it is better to plan considering all scenarios and be prepared for any eventuality.

And, we all have biases, which sometimes prevent us from doing the right thing. Again in hindsight, we should train our minds to acknowledge and recognise these biases, so that they don’t cloud our judgements – whether with inanimate things or with people – and help us take better decisions.

Hopefully, I have learnt a couple of lessons that I will remember and take care to heed in days to come.