When Input != Output

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are times when we seek inputs. Or provide them to others. On myriad things.

Do we consider whether those inputs are really helpful? To get the right output? Or are they ineffective?

A couple of weeks before, me and wifey were discussing about how we need to provide better inputs to each other. Not just call each other out when something is wrong but also appreciate when something’s going right.

And then over these two weeks, I came across a couple of more situations where I realised the ‘input’ was a problem…

Well, at work and in our personal life, we often view things from our perspective and then help others understand what we are saying and why.

These perspectives, in our viewpoint, help the other person in whatever they are seeking our help on. Most times it is innocuous and good-hearted advise on what to do or not to do.

But we tend to go astray every now and then…

For sometimes, we provide unsolicited inputs. While they make us feel good, they don’t help either the person on the other side, or us. It only shows our eagerness to jump in without a need and isn’t appreciated.

Or other times, we provide solicited inputs even when we aren’t completely aware of the topic or aren’t confident enough. But we go with the flow, not wanting to miss a chance. Doing this, we only risk our reputation and authority in things we actually know.

And then there are times when we provide inputs just because we think we can. Because either the person on the other end is a junior or a child, or because everyone else has something to say. This, while going largely unnoticed, reduces the effectiveness of our future inputs to that same person.

Oh one more. We tend to provide more inputs and advise when we see something wrong or not good enough. We do that from a point of concern or to help out but if done quite often, can also come out as belittling.

What if instead we take our word to be precious and only speak when we are really being asked and when we know we have enough understanding of the subject at hand?

I have seen a few people do that consistently. And I always believe they are better off. By being choosy, they are being genuine. And also come off as someone you can depend on. You respect them.

Time then to reconsider where I stand to give my inputs and whether to give them or not. At work, at home. In all things that I do.

After all, why shouldn’t I try and retain my authenticity, regain my mental balance, and remove any false sense of superior knowledge from my being…

Needs and Wants…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Needs and Wants were two simple kids. Always ready to mingle and be a part of any group. They were always excited, full of questions in their minds, and ready to go places.

They were the best of friends, virtually inseparable. However, as both started growing up, their personalities started differing.

Needs retained his simpleton nature, happy in the small things of life. His mantra was live with what you have and enjoy life. Instead of worrying about other things that people have, share and work together. And make them feel satisfied about the small wins.

Wants became ambitious. He was always focused on how to excel. How to superimpose his questions on others and create islands of doubts and desires. And how to be persistent in going after something and get it anyhow.

Soon, due to these differing natures, they started drifting apart. They were still friends with each other but the glue holding the bond had become weak.

People around them still thought of them as kids but in their minds they had grown up. Naturally, they started influencing the kids around them considerably.

Needs and his core group of new friends found pleasure in small things. They were always a satisfied lot, only concerned about the bare essentials. With an attitude of focusing on what’s absolutely required, they transformed into a simple teenager.

Wants and his core group on the other side were focused on more. All the time. Their ambition led them into many things, a lot of them positively good but also a few things that weren’t desirable.

As time passed, Needs and his group realised that they also had to have some ambition. After all, what fun was life if they couldn’t aim for a few things also.

Almost simultaneously, Wants and his group also realised that they ought to enjoy some simple pleasures and not always be riding on the jet of tomorrow.

With this realisation, both decided to merge their groups. Needs and his friends wanting new experiences and ambition in life getting that. Wants and his friends needing simple things being able to enjoy those.

As the groups started to mingle with each other, it created some nice surprises. Like when a Wants group boy became too close to a Needs group girl and they loved and lived happily ever after. Or when two girls from either group found they had a lot in common and complemented each other, only to discover they were distant cousins.

But this amalgamation also meant a few disappointments. Like the time when a Wants boy discovered that he badly wanted to be a Needs boy and in the process confused himself for life. Or when a Needs boy remained cocooned in his shell instead of responding to the advances of a Wants girl, foregoing what would have been a great pair.

Time passed, this group of teenagers grew up. Some of them who formed new bonds between themselves and discovered a balance, had great fun. Those who went to the extremes, suffered through their young age.

In general, those who were clear in their head had a good life and those who were confused, remained unsatisfied all their life.

Years later, much after this group had yielded to nature, as their story kept being told, it became a fable. About how we need to balance between needs and wants to be successful.

A few decades passed and it transformed into a belief. And a century later, it became intertwined with how people viewed life. Full of possibilities, rooted in reality.

But as centuries passed, the message of maintaining a balance got lost and twisted. What had started as a beautiful intertwining of the present and the future got all mixed up.

And as the modern world took shape, it’s inherent confusion seeped into the basic understanding, with people often mistaking a need for a want and vice-versa.

And losing their sleep and life over something which ought to have been balanced…

Old and New

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a new beginning. 2023 is here. We are venturing into a new year.

This is what most of us would have found our social feeds and news sources to be full of. Year-end best of lists, resolutions for the new year, looking back at what happened and looking forward to what comes ahead.

Strangely, for me though this turn of the new year has been muted. As I thought more about this for the last couple of days, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Is it because there’s not enough excitement or things to look forward to? Maybe this is how life looks like once you cross 40! But not really, there are enough and more of those things in my life that I am excited about.

Perhaps it has to do with this relocation business? It has taken the air out of my self inflated baloon back in India? Nah, I debated with myself about this angle but it’s not true.

Oh yeah, maybe I have a lot of unkept and unmet resolutions and that’s why I am running shy of taking new ones? I don’t think so and as I recounted the ones I took upon over the last 2-3 years, I seem to have done well generally on those aspects.

Then as I was mindlessly finishing some chores, the answer hit me!

The real reason is that I see a lot of things that I have begun but need to double down on in this new year. So it just doesn’t feel like a new beginning. There are unfinished projects, things to improve upon in my head and heart, and things that I have been letting go off but still not done with completely.

As I realised this, it occurred to me that I ought to break them down into achievable milestones rather than only looking at the end goal. So here goes my list –

1. Smile and be more happy, forget worrying about small things and start to live in the moment. As much as possible.

2. Exercise daily, even if it is just walking a couple of rounds. Breathe fresh air, unblock my mind, stay healthy.

3. Write at least every alternate day. While this blog continues to be weekly, produce a few more short stories, start the book I have been promising myself to write.

4. Read daily, and meaningful material, pick up an understanding of more things than I have in any other year.

5. At work focus on creating impact, rather than doing too many things. Let go off some things that I don’t need to be a part of.

As I enter 2023 and continue on these old pursuits in this new year, I hope I am able to get to some of these milestones by the end of it. Until then, will continue to plough on…

Rhythms of Life

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We have so many things going on these days that it’s very easy to get lost in the woods. Unless we have a rhythm…

I look at it as the rhythm of life from three different perspectives.

First is the rhythm of self. How do I maintain my health and take care of myself. How do I find time to do things that interest me. How do I generally separate the wheat from the chaff.

Second is the rhythm of relations. How do I live, love, laugh, and forge memories together with my family. How do I keep in touch with those who aren’t nearby. How do I show care and respect for those I have in my life.

Third is the rhythm of work. How do I maintain discipline in what I do. How do I do justice to all the things I am working on. How do I move toward my goals.

This week, while having a conversation with my wife, we went into this direction. We were discussing about how our days have gone by in the recent weeks and how we need to get back to our rhythms soon.

As we had that chat, I realised that sometimes life throws us out of gear. Either in a planned way which happens rarely. Or in an unplanned way when something untoward happens.

But what’s interesting is that while most of us strive for a rhythm, we sometimes let things slip by. It happens almost unconsciously, as we get accustomed to a new rhythm or the lack of it.

It has happened to me multiple times. Without realising, the rhythm that I signed up for and was practising, vanishes and gets replaced by what I ought not to do.

The only way to see through such a scenario then is self realisation. As I have discovered, that’s easier said than done. Most times, we realise the drift quite late. But once we do, the only way then is to quickly identify how to get back to the older rhythm or set a new one.

Perhaps a new one is better for those of us who have drifted in our rhythms, with a new year beckoning!

Turning Point

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a bad morning. Worse than what the teenaged boy could imagine.

He had just woken up and realised that he was out of luck finally. His examination scores had come and what was being foretold silently in his head had come true. He had flunked.

Feeling utterly disappointed, he lugged himself down to the living room and sat down with moist eyes. His parents were sitting at the dining table, sipping their morning tea.

He couldn’t bear to face them. After all, he himself had told them not to worry about his results. He had been a bright student all his life and while this year (and the past) hadn’t done justice to that tag, things would take care of themselves was his belief. He was in high school now, definitely grown up.

As he looked at the opposite wall, he felt a hand on his shoulder. And then one more on the other shoulder. He could feel his parents standing there behind him, trying to understand the reason for his sad mood.

Realising that he was about to cry, he bit his lip and shut his mouth and eyes firmly. The hands moved from his shoulders to either of his hands. His parents had come and sat beside him now.

Finally, he opened his eyes. He could not meet theirs, so looked down. Finally, after a few minutes, he mustered enough courage and spelt out the reason for his sadness to his parents.

He was expecting a lecture from them but instead they hugged him and told him not to worry. He may have had a bad year but there was a lot to look forward to in life. And it was important for him to regroup himself.

He felt better. There was someone looking after him and would take care of things!

He also realised that he had been unnecessarily harsh and rude to the two people in his life who mattered the most and would do anything to see him happy. This made him feel guilty but also happy that he was able to realise his mistake sooner.

As he went back into the room after spending some time with his parents that day, he felt lighter. As if the entire life’s weight he was trying to carry on his young shoulders had got support from others.

That day something changed in his mental makeup. Instead of fighting everything, he started looking at things more objectively. He started valuing relationships and what it meant. And he started owning up in the true sense rather than just aspiring for it.

It was the turning point in his life. He had started growing up!

Service matters…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We often miss the forest for the trees. Those trees may be wonderful in the short term but the forest is the real deal in the long term!

This week a personal experience got me thinking about this trait of ours and how by not following it we may be better off…

As it happened, to ease my commute to different parts of the Bay Area in the initial days, I went for a car rental. It was the best choice for me and also seemed apt considering I would be able to test drive cars of choice and decide on which one to buy.

The first week, I booked a car through Expedia and as I went in to pick it up, the executive at the counter turned out to be very friendly. Al (his short name) patiently explained me various options and made sure he gave me enough time to let my transaction through.

As I left the counter, he gave me his no. and asked me to call him in case of any issues. I had a good experience and got a good car thanks to his word to the delivery team.

After the week passed, I decided to get another car to try out a different model. However, owing to last minute bookings, I couldn’t get it from the same company and had to opt for a pricier option with another company.

While I had the guy’s contact details, I didn’t want to just call him out of the blue. But I went in after returning my car to the counter to see him. He recognised me and waved.

I was quite surprised that he could remember me. He must be dealing with so many people on a daily basis, sitting as he is at the airport counter.

Happy to see him, I went ahead and generally chatted with him. I was sure there was no other option for me at that company, having checked the availability online.

However he again surprised me. He asked me if I had a car already and when I replied in the negative, asked me if I still wanted another rental. I told him I had tried but couldn’t find any suitable option.

He requested me to stay put and called up a couple of people internally to arrange for a new car at the same price that I was paying earlier. He also helped me get the other booking cancelled and again put up with me all that while to complete the transaction. As we wound up, he told me he will put in a word to extend the rental at the same terms, if I choose to.

As I left his counter for the second time in seven days with a smile, I couldn’t help but wonder why we don’t have more such people across the board.

He could have chosen to ignore me or could have told me that there’s no car available or charged me higher. But he chose to give his time and put in efforts beyond what he was asked to do. That’s something we don’t come across often!

These are people who choose to delight, go overboard every time, treat others with a great sense of responsibility, and make the place a good one to do business with! They and their likes don’t just help put a smile on a customer’s face but gain them for life. And whether we believe it or not, form the backbone of any operation.

Only if all of us could be like them and do everything with a great sense of ownership and a friendly approach, the world would be so much more than a better place!

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!

Ties

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We come across different ties in our life.

Ones which are worn around the neck, also called the neck tie. When I was a young kid and started going to school, that is what a tie meant to me. It was a discipline to be followed every day.

Or the tie that we come across sometimes in a game. As I started growing up and played or watched sports, whenever two individuals or teams ended up at the same score, I used to marvel at the coincidence.

Or the tie that we have with our loved ones. What keeps us together as a family, with our friends, attached to those who care for us. The one which was invisible to me till I became an adult and understood life.

The tie that we wear equates to prestige. It provides for self-esteem, pride related to wearing a group colour, is considered to be an important accessory. But it’s very relative, may lead to happiness for some while could be a restriction for another.

The tie that we witness equates to excitement. It provides for fun, anxious moments, and a sense of longing for the victory that could have been ours. But it’s mostly fleeting, gets forgotten after a few days or weeks.

But the ties which we form, nurture and sustain are special and equate to belongingness. Their importance becomes more clearer as we grow old. And it always remains, like a constant source of energy powering us.

We humans, however very easily get confused and mix up the pecking order of these ties. Prestige takes precedence over excitement over belongingness. When that happens, it messes up our lives big time!

This week, I was engaged in a family function, held to launch a book that my grandfather had written 43 years ago. As we prepared and then executed on the entire program successfully, I ended up realising this very fact.

The tie associated with prestige (the accessory) was only an accompaniment and a reminder of self pride and inner happiness and importance for us. Thankfully, most people in our family treated it only as such.

The tie associated with excitement was a reminder of how somethings are meant to be. As we recounted the journey of the book, we discussed amongst us how the tiebreak situation of the last few chapters being completed after my grandfather’s death was a tricky and a long winding road, but totally worth the effort.

But the ties among people took center stage and have left us enriched forever. As the entire family came together to celebrate this important milestone and support each other, the ties that we have formed between us were visible in full flow and further got reinforced.

Thankfully, we as a family kept our heads on our shoulders and didn’t mess with the pecking order of the ties. Even one of them being off-balance could have led to a very different outcome!

Faith

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Children have special questions. Some which we can answer, some which we aren’t able to.

This past week, my daughter had a lot more free time than usual, and one day caught hold of me to ask a few of those difficult questions.

She began her questioning on the lines of how did the universe come into being. That diversified into how did humans evolve, ending with one on God and why we follow whom we follow.

Now, some of these were easily answerable for me from a scientific perspective. But as we got onto the theological plane, I had to think harder until I couldn’t any more!

We somehow got distracted and that conversation didn’t reach its logical conclusion…

We were at my in-laws place, Deoghar, in northern India. It’s known for being one of the twelve Jyotirlingas, special temples of lord Shiva. There are also a few other important historical sites nearby. So, two agenda items for the weekend were a visit to a nearby tourist spot and of course to the temple. Unknowingly, those trips proved insightful!

The spot we visited, Mandar hill, has a special role in the Hindu mythology. It’s believed by the locals that this mountain was used for the “Samudra Manthan”, or the churning of the oceans, that took place between Devas (Gods) and Asuras (Devils).

On the way back, I read out the story from Wikipedia to her, describing how the entire mythological tale panned out. As I read it (and would recommend for a lot of us who only know the term and not the story), I realised that it was heavily loaded in favour of the winning side. Seemed just like most other world history.

Then, in spite of I being weary of going to temples with large crowds, this time, I decided to take the risky bet. With some encouragement, I visited the Baidyanath temple, the Jyotirlinga.

It’s always been overcrowded and very congested and hence not to my liking. But since I had not been there for the last 10 years, I thought it will be good to seek some blessings. As it turned out, it was also a great exercise in observation.

From the time I set foot in the temple premises, I could feel two distinct vibes. One of the devotees who would do anything to get close to the lord they believe in. And the other of the priests who wanted to take advantage of that faith in whichever form and fashion. Don’t want to comment on the social fabric here, so I will cut out that bit.

Nevertheless, it was an eventful morning for me. As I walked out after offering our prayers, I realised that we have always been intricately intertwined with the beliefs and faith we follow.

The stories we are told and believe in, more than anything else, must have been spawned by the need to increase faith amongst people. That was perhaps the force that kept those medieval people together.

In modern times, it is the places of worship and the religious traditions we follow that probably help us stay together and chart a common course through our lifetimes.

Immense pride, love, respect, and the social compass keep us rooted into these traditions. And the belief and faith that these traditions invoke, help us stay together as a society and a community through generations. After all, what is religion if not a mechanism to align people to a common, shared perspective!

Ah, there is the answer to my daughter’s question…

Communities

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was April 2017. Me and my wife were out in the summer searching for a new place to stay.

We had been in Bangalore for a long time by then, having lived mostly in the Koramangala area. But with the rapid commercialisation of the place, we took a call to move. With our daughter just a year old, the space we had was restrictive and not entirely safe for her to play.

As we searched for something that could be our home for the next few years, we came across Raindrops. For the uninitiated, this is the name of an apartment in Bangalore near to where most startups and software companies operate from.

We fell in love at first sight! The initial unwillingness of even venturing this far from Koramangala turned into immediate acceptance as we entered the apartments. And without a doubt, we signed up for renting a place.

Our love for the place blossomed as we stayed along. Not just because it was where we spent most of our time (thanks to Covid) but more importantly because of the community.

For who we are if not a social animal, living with others and forming communities. Communities that are a reflection of who we are and what we think or do.

Most communities are formed around an ideology or common interests. A few centred around people or based on where we stay. But only a few of those communities engage and bind us. The Raindrops community was one such experience for us.

As we got to know our fellow residents and made acquaintance with them, we realised that the community we were a part of was special. Helpful, cultured, compassionate, and above all responsible. Celebrating each other’s successes, helping others in their times of difficulties, working together as a team when needed.

Whether it was contributing to common causes, celebrating festivals, playing as a team in multiple sports, or helping each other during tough times, I always saw the community stepping up, with a surreal suspicion of how is it even possible. It was only a few heated exchanges thrown into the mix that made us human in this peaceful Co-existence…

This was where our daughter made her first few friends and where we went through life’s ups and downs. Over five and a half years.

This week, as we said our goodbyes to some of the fellow residents, the realisation of leaving this community finally sunk in. Of leaving behind a place and a bunch of people who we got to know well and with whom we shared a lot of amazing memories and life stories.

While our daughter is still sad from leaving behind her friends and the fact that she won’t be able to play with them anymore, and we soak in the changes in the new environment that beckons us, we hope to find a place that’s equally engaging and binding. A tall order indeed!