The Support System…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

All of us need one!

And all of us have one. Our Mother…

She takes the pain to bring us to life. Nurtures us in the initial years, harbours us in the early years, and hoists us in the later years.

She is the one who shapes us to what we become in life. Through her love and care. Through the values she instills in us. And through the constant nudging that we often find irritating but comforting.

As we grow up, she supports us through life. Helps us when we are going through the lows and picks us up and makes us feel special in those highs.

She gives us confidence to do things we probably won’t try on our own. Helps us try and challenge ourselves. Yet never pushes us in a direction we don’t want to go in.

She accepts our failures more readily than we sometimes do. And she exalts in our success like even we cannot.

She helps us set up our house, knowing that we may probably never go back to living with her again. She agrees with our choice of the life partner. And she does all of it selflessly, for she knows what we need.

She teaches us to be a good husband or wife. And how to be a better parent than she was.

Yes, she is very emotional and her sentiments drive her actions. But that’s important because none of us can function with just the mind and not the heart!

And that is what makes her special. And the best. For each one of us.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Unique Innocence

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are the bedrock of our vision. We do everything keeping them in mind!

We yearn for them when they are not around, live for them to be happy, work to provide them the best of what we can, take care of them at all times, and ensure that we bring them up to become someone who we would be proud of.

However, often, we try and impose ourselves on our children or worse still, try and force them down a path that we wish to choose for them due to whatever preconceived notions or beliefs…

Picture this –

You have a young kid who you figure out is a prodigy in the game of chess. You get him the best teacher you can, take him to multiple tournaments to hone his play and become the no. 1 kid on the chess circuit.

And then, when he comes up short against one tough opponent, you berate him. You realise that you are doing something wrong but you want the kid to win at all costs. To prove that your investment in his future is right.

But the kid doesn’t want to play now. Fearful of this one other prodigal talent, he almost decides to give up. The teacher you have hired tries to force him to learn better and prepare better. But he is not ready to engage.

When you look at this situation – what would most of us do? We would try and sit down the kid and get him back to playing again. In a lot of cases, without worrying about why he is behaving like this or what is the core issue.

Nothing wrong with this approach – that is how we adults are attuned to behave in our cut-throat competitive world…

Except for one – this will be the most insensitive thing to do and will most probably kill the kid’s appetite for learning further.

And will be the end of the dream that we fostered with his spectacular talent! More importantly, it will be a dreadful experience for the child!!!

This week, with so much floating around in the form of negative news, I decided to get some positivity and focused on reading up and watching a couple of good impressionable movies. One of them was ‘Innocent Moves’ on Netflix or titled as ‘Search for Bobby Fischer’ on IMDB (UK and US versions respectively).

It is one of those real-life child prodigy movies and for those of us who have seen ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, released on Netflix recently, it might seem familiar to some degree. Not going by the IMDB rating, I personally found the movie to be a brilliant showcase of various multitudes – parenting, child psychology, parent-children relationship, societal pressures and viewpoints, and so on.

The story I narrated above, is what happens in the movie. Till the intermission. Post that, it flips…

The father realises that he needs to let the kid be and stops talking about chess. Takes him fishing for 2 weeks. Lets him play baseball and other sports. Reasons with himself that it is more important to see his kid happy.

And then the kid picks back his interest in chess and goes back to playing with his buddies in the neighbourhood park. Enough to get the moves back and to go for competition once again, this time beating the other prodigy through the new skills he acquired.

Sorry, if I spilled the beans. But that’s how most movies related to sports play out. So it’s not much of a reveal I hope!

What I found interesting was the soft nudges in a few scenes which showed a different side of how a prodigal talent can be groomed. And all of those scenes inclined towards the humane touch and the unique innocence of children.

How a father chooses to let his kid be instead of forcing his dreams upon the child, how a friend helps him gain his confidence back, how a mother protects him from being thrown into the competitive ring, how a teacher lets go of his ego against a past opponent and understands that the child can go into a match not being his usual confident self, how the child realises that it is more important to make friends than opponents, and finally how he gives the kids he defeated some of the tips and asks them to just try and play without pressure.

There was a lot to learn for me! About what not to do…

How not to take away the innocence from our children. It is better to let them be and grow up naturally.

How not to push our children to do better always. It is ok to not be good in some cases or not up to our expectations.

How not to beat down a child in the case of a failure but to encourage him to learn and grow. Helping him understand that failure is but a stepping stone to success.

How not to force them on the path that we think is best for them early on. Doing multiple things is bound to help them realise their preference and interests and pick up what suits them more later on in life.

How not to push them to turn everything in life into a race and view others as a threat. It is sometimes better to let things float around and let them gain random experiences before they settle down in to a rhythm. And better to make friends than foes.

Lastly, how not to force them to be a competitive machine always but to remember being human in all situations!

Hope to carry these lessons forward as I continue on my journey of being a parent and let my daughter utilise her unique innocence to grow into whatever she desires to be…

Bad News…

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Until it happens to us, we don’t realise the importance of it or in some cases, the pain of it!

This week was bad. Lots of unnerving news. The biggest shock for me was though the passing away of a school mate. Someone who I had known to be a decent fellow, always smiling and being friendly to all.

He left the world at an age when you just start shaping up your plans and look to the future positively. With a family in tow. Young children growing up and learning the nuances of the world. Finances in a comfortable position to do some of those things that you couldn’t do earlier.

Then something like this happens. And the air around just deflates. The world seems a dreary place. Dreams get shattered. Families are left behind. All plans burned in ashes. Hopes buried in the ground for the near and dear ones.

All one can do then, is remember. Think of the good in the person and the times spent together, however insignificant. And to think hard about what life means and how to prepare yourself better for such a mishap.

As I wasn’t keeping too well (not Covid thankfully after all tests) and not working to 100% of my abilities, I had some time to think about this loss and the ramifications of how things don’t happen to us until they happen…

We often don’t take things seriously or pay attention to them. Specially when they are in the form of bad news. We always believe others will be affected more than we will be.

Most of the times it is true also. Jobs get lost but often for other people. People die in random situations but mostly we hear it from someone else. Unpleasant things happen but that too to others.

Or if it happens to us, it is devoid of any connections. We may lose a job or a loved one or something unpleasant may happen but that mostly happens in another time and space, something which is very personal and disjointed with others.

Rarely are there events where we get affected enmass.

This pandemic second wave is one such event. Last time, while India was badly affected in the later part of the year, there were not many cases in the vicinity. The fatality rate was lower and at least for me there weren’t many such instances in the known circles.

This time has however been different. There have been so many people I know who have been affected by the disease or have had some mishap in their families. And it’s forced me to rethink…

When something hits you regularly with such magnitude, you are forced to take a pause and pay attention to the severity of it. Rework on your plans, rethink your beliefs, remap your priorities.

It is like high waves crashing and destroying a shack near the ocean. You would have built it painstakingly over a few days but all it takes to be destroyed is a single night.

And so, you rescan and redo your thoughts and then try and make sense of the new world. You try and remain positive to rebuild and grow again but with some wisdom of how not to ignore the leading signs. To take care in the future. And to never believe that it won’t happen to you…

Ready for the best while being prepared for the worst! Hopefully for the worst to never happen.

Leader or Team – who maketh whom?

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

This week two things dovetailed rather interestingly. I finished the final 3 episodes of “The Last Dance” on Netflix and also the last few chapters of the book “No Rules Rules” by the Netflix founder.

Apart from the common aspect of both being related to Netflix, what I found interesting was that both dealt with a common subject – teams and leadership, and which one is more important!

What makes some teams tick and not the others? Why some leaders are more successful? These questions are important not just in sports or business but also in our daily lives. Because, that is what helps us move forward as a society…

Most of us believe that the leader is the most important person. There are paeans written about some of the most successful ones and how they changed the course of history or of their team. There are multiple books devoted to the art of leading and how to be a good leader.

On the other side, some of us believe that it is the sum total of the team members that makes a team reach the top. Each member plays an important role in the buildup and the final act towards that success. And yet, we are all expected to play a part as a good team member naturally; no one teaches us how to be one.

Looking at the two examples this week made me realise that it is a symbiotic relationship. A leader is as good as her team and draws strength from the individual parts to shape it up for the success. And the team members are equal contributors to the success if they fit in that gap and play to their strengths.

There have been many leaders who were good in their own right but couldn’t succeed because the team wasn’t just good enough. And there have been teams which were very good on paper but didn’t have the right leader to lead them to success.

So what makes both of them tick? I think it has got to do with one’s ego, mutual respect, self awareness, and interpersonal bonding. As long as these are in the right place, teams work wonders. And if not for these, things disintegrate!

As we enter an uncertain phase in our lives again with the rapidly escalating virus situation in India, these aspects become doubly important for us as citizens and as a society. Time to buckle up and play as a team to win this battle! In all the spheres we play in…

Life and Success…

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

Movies, the good ones, often leave us with afterthoughts. This weekend, as I watched a couple of animated ones with the kiddo (Up and Soul, both Pixar creations and interestingly by the same director), they wound me down a labyrinth!

A labyrinth where I tried to define success – what is it? What does it mean? And how does it look like?

Is it about the outcome or the process?

Is it chasing one’s dreams at any cost and achieving them? Or is it about feeling happy about whatever best we can do?

Is it about having the most (or heaps of) whatever we desire or is it to find inner satisfaction from the outcomes we have achieved?

Is it about working for the future at all times, trying to create a better one? Or finding fulfilment in our present life and enjoying our life to the fullest?

Is it internal or external or both?

Well, as I kept zigzagging between these thoughts, I couldn’t come up to a single aha moment. It was confusing!

Perhaps because we have so many versions of success – people who have had outsized achievements as well as those who have found their true calling and succeeded in whatever they wanted to achieve.

Or perhaps because there are two contrarian points of view – one about how the famous ones have achieved what they have and the other about how to be content with what you’ve got.

Or perhaps because each one of us have our own definitions of what it really means for us to succeed. A definition which keeps changing with times.

I haven’t figured it out yet. What I did figure out was that it is a shifting goal post for most of us. One that keeps us alive and kicking, while providing the impetus to move forward in life.

What’s important is to keep celebrating the small wins, cherishing the good moments, being grateful for our lives and for where we are, and planning forward…

How much is Enough?

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Really…

For us as an individual? Willing to sacrifice our today for a better tomorrow…

For us as a family? Increasingly becoming nuclear and DINK (Dual income no kids) or DIOK (Dual income one kid)…

For us as a partner? Independent financially but more dependent on each other emotionally with not many to turn to…

For us as a parent? Striving to do our best for our kid(s) while struggling with our work life and our own interests…

For us as a son or daughter? Staying away from our parents to pursue our careers and yet longing for them at times…

For us as a professional? Who moves in a materialistic world, from one concrete jungle to another…

For us as a businessman? Trying to achieve our goals while staying afloat and doing better than yesterday…

For us as a person who wants to do so much in life apart from work but has very little time to do those things…

The answer: what are we willing to trade off?

Our lives have a set pattern – school and college life, work life, and then the retired life.

When in school, most of us are taught to focus all our energies on getting good grades so that we can land up a good job. Or at least to pass out well so that we can contribute to the family business, if there is one.

And then, as we enter our work life, we get into the race of life. Constantly trying to outdo ourselves, making ends meet, doing better than others, growing in stature, building a war chest and a fortune, earning name and fame, and finally reaching the highest level we could in a job or in business. Before we retire.

And once we retire, whatever may be the age, we look forward to. To a few of those things we couldn’t do earlier. To make a few trips. To meet a few people. To enjoy our life the way we want to. To be carefree and yet be secured.

After retirement, some of us are lucky to live a long life and have the means to do all of those things we longed for. Most of us aren’t…

However, there are very few of us who ask these golden words to themselves while on this journey – “How much is enough?”. For therein lies the crux of the trade-off that we are willing to make…

For those of us who are able to ask that question to ourselves and find the right answer, the balance of life tilts towards the middle and helps us lead our lives as we want to.

But that crowd is in the minority!

Because, for most of us, that trade-off isn’t worth accepting. Or the timing is not right. Or there are other factors stopping us.

And so we continue in our quests, sacrificing our today, moving to another place, striving to do better. So that we can have a better tomorrow, live life our way, and pursue our interests…

Until we either are willing to make that trade off or retire!

Happiness!

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was a bad day. I had made some mistake at work and wasn’t very happy about the matter. It was evident on my face and in my behaviour and made me erratic that day.

I blasted off at home and kept sulking. Until I discovered it was really affecting me inside.

As I rolled back to the start of the entire matter, I realised that the mistake I made was a genuine one and wouldn’t have been possible for me to avoid then, although I now had learnt something in hindsight and possibly shouldn’t be making it again. And as I unraveled the past and discovered that it was fine for me to be frustrated by the outcome but absolutely unnecessary to have taken it so harshly, I realised something for myself.

That I had compromised my happiness and of those around me for a day, when I could have just accepted my mistake and learnt from it and moved on…

I know it is seemingly easy to say so, specially in written words, than to practice it in our daily life.

We set a high bar for ourselves and for those around us. We expect more than it is required sometimes. And we believe things will fall in the right place, as we desire.

But life is not so straight forward. Plans fail. Peoeple fail. Expectations aren’t met always.

And when that happens, which is pretty much everyday in between the myriad things we do in our daily routines, it is disappointing.

Now, some of us have a zen like nature and detach ourselves from the outcome pretty much once the task gets done. But most of us have a tendency to swing between the highs and the lows, depending on how the tide turns. While it is natural as human beings to be disappointed due to these failings, it also deprives us of the small joys of life. And keeps us away from happiness!

Happiness that could have meant a few more smiles on ours and other’s faces. That could have led to a few more nicer conversations. That could have helped us live through the day and the week much more strongly.

Much worse, it actually creates a double void and instead of swinging us to the happy side it makes us sad and takes us to the other extreme. Where we feel desolate and worn out. Where we take down our ship along with those near to us. And demands that much extra effort for us to get back to the normal.

Perhaps, it is because we grew up. Life happened to us!

Because, when I look at children, I realise that they don’t let these swings be so dramatic. Yes, they get upset soon and raise hell sometimes but also mellow down quickly and get back to being happy!

Probably, because they know that whatever made them sad was only temporary and will go away. And that they have others who would take care of them. Or probably because they realise that it is not worth it. It is just better to move on and live life focusing on other things. Finding happiness elsewhere, in something that would be better to do.

May be we just need to stop feeling old and be a child again to be happy more than often…

Ego!!!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Ego. It’s a perplexing word, defined as as person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Encapsulates so much in just 3 letters. Holds the worth of self together. And can mess up so much.

It is pervasive in the human race. And sometimes in animals too. Helps animals to behave like humans at times and definitely pushes humans to behave like animals a lot of times.

Something that gives us a sense of pride in self, acknowledging how far we have come in our journey. And something that can easily blind us as to where we have to go…

Builds up from what we have done in our lives and who we are. And ebbs when we know there is so much more to do. A special feeling that when subdued or challenged can work wonders for people and propel them to greater heights. And when unhindered, can lead to downfall of even giants!

Makes us feel worthy to go out and do what we have to. Devours us from inside and stops us from doing right when the worth becomes more than the sum total of all its parts.

Makes it possible for a child to stand up in the world and make a place for herself. Makes it impossible for some adults to continue building from where they are.

Builds relations and bridges between communities. Destroys even long held friendships and camaraderie.

Leads to mutual respect for one another. Also leads to hatred and enmity between friends and lovers!

It’s something so fascinating that can push nations into solidarity and oneness. And something so hideous that can cause wars between two.

Is that one thing that all of us aspire for. And yet, when we have it figured out, some of us lose it all and start behaving in a fashion which no one should aspire to.

And in spite of so many dichotomies, as we all live our lives and go through the grind, we develop it, nurture it, and utilise it as we go along. What matters is whether the nurturing and utilisation is positive or negative!!!

Culture and Beliefs…

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On a road trip this weekend, with the car speeding on the highway, wifey and I engaged in a discussion on culture. While the trip ended soon after, some questions remained in my subconciousness for the entire weekend – How it germinates? How it builds? How it lasts? It seemed fascinating to understand these hows and as my mind raced around these questions, I decided to try and decipher them through my own experiences…

I have been part of a few organizations over the years. Right from a heirarchical organization, to structured but intrapreneurial setups in a couple of organizations I worked for, to rigid siloed operations in a couple of others, each one of them had a distinct culture.

When I look back now, a lot of it was espoused by the people at the top and percolated down to the bottom. Which comes from the theory that culture germinates from the top and trickles down. We often see leaders as the ambassador of the organization and equate the company’s culture with their mannerisms. I certainly have gained a lot of my cultural leanings from those people at the top I worked with.

However, it isn’t always an effect of the leadership following or espousing a certain manner. I believe it is also through the experiences that those people and the teams had in the formative years of the organization. What it led them to believe or disagree on, and what they gained out of those experiences, shaped up the culture of the team and the company at large as it grew.

Yet another theory I examined is that culture also shapes up based on the kind of work the company does and the people the teams engage with on a regular basis. If the work is done on the ground and with a lot of struggle, it leads to appreciation for people and situations vis-a-vis things which happen at a very high level without too much of a deviation. I experienced it first-hand in the startup world running my own business and interacting with others and believe it is also a contributing factor to some extent.

Whatever is the germination of the culture or the way it builds up, it is only when those tenets last for a long time that the culture seeps in all the nooks and corners and becomes symbolic of the organization at large. And with the passage of time, it gets ingrained in every new person fairly quickly. That’s when it begins to last!

As I reflected on all of these thoughts, it occurred to my mind that we as human beings also develop in our life and build our beliefs through similar processes. We depend on our parents and elders to pass on a certain culture and values to us when we are in our formative years. Our years at the school under the guidance of teachers and the influence of friends shapes us as we grow up. The experiences we have in our adulthood define our behaviour and disposition.

Those beliefs then help us shape our life going forward and get passed down to our family members and children. And shape up our society at large.

What matters most is how malleable those beliefs are – are we flexible enough to change them if there is a good ground for the change or are we rigid and hold them as unchangeable irrespective of whatever happens. Because that is what governs our responses to situations in life and improves our longevity and sanity. In the same way that a company’s sustenance and longevity is dependent on how it’s culture shifts with the changing strands of time…

That Small Town Feeling…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I grew up in small towns in the central state of MP in India. It was fun. It was also a lovely time and a great atmosphere to grasp the worldly ways!

For us, going to school was always a 5-10 min bicycle ride – rushing like hell in the early morning and loitering around with friends to make it back home in 30-40 mins in the afternoon. Many school friends used to stay in the same neighbourhood and were known to families, or in most cases not further than 1 or 2 kms, so going to play with them was also quite easy in the evenings.

Traffic was less. We always had playgrounds and clear paths and roads to walk, run and cycle on. I remember we used to play hide and seek on our bicycles with the entire neighbourhood of 1 sq. km. as the play area, riding like crazy into the various lanes and bylanes. Or played cricket in the bylanes till late without too many disturbances. Or played street games for hours together.

The neighbourhood was always buzzing with community events. People staying in a locality had their own ways of going about their daily lives and mingling with one another, cooperating on every small matter to support each other. Those on evening walks would walk up and down the entire neighbourhood and meet people at designated spots to chat a little. And ofcourse there were the parks and benches around them, filled with all age groups going about their activity of interest.

With everything within accessible distance, everyday chores were never a botheration. Get out and walk or ride a little and we would get to the place we intended to. Markets and shops were known so it was very easy to get things done quickly. And without any mad rush, except for festival times, we could go around and return with all to-do tasks completed in an hour’s time!

There weren’t many cinema halls or entertainment options and with television just starting to catch up and cable/satellite tv just launched, it was a common scene to see people from 2-3 houses huddled into one place to watch the daily soap operas or news or the sunday afternoon movie. In fact, going to the cinema hall was probably a quarterly event, with most of us relying on VCRs and VHS tapes to catch up on movies.

In short, life was simple and stress-free, full of happiness and laughter. Not just for us children but also for adults I observed. People used to be back home by early evening and had all the time to spend with their families. There was more in-person catch-up and it was usual for even uncles and aunties to gather together in the evening in groups for a cup of tea and some chit-chat. Meals were always a full family affair, with everyone enjoying each other’s company and talking about myriad things.

As I look back at those times with fondness, I miss them a lot. All of those small things taught us as children how to enjoy the simple things in life. It taught us the importance of bonding with others and working with people unlike ourselves to meet the common objectives. The community feeling instilled in us a great pride of belongingness and friendship, helping each other in times of need. And all the time spent with others made us care and understand more.

I don’t know about the cities and how they functioned then, but I am sure from whatever I have heard from some of my friends who grew up in bigger cities, they had some of these elements in common. Life was quieter and routines less punishing. And with lesser number of people, they managed pretty well in all the hustle and bustle surrounding them.

As we have grown rapidly over the past few years and urbanized with double the speed, that simplicity has been lost somewhere. Cities have transformed themselves to an always on, rush inducing mesh. Towns have grown bigger and busier. People have moved out or have been displaced, filling old places with new entrants. They have also become less forgiving and more self-focused.

All of this has led to a complete change in the way a child sees the world today. Gone is the simplistic view of the world. Children today grow up watching their parents and family members go through every day stress. They themselves hustle and bustle their way through a day with school, multiple classes, attention divided by personal gadgets, and so on. There is less time for bonding with others and too much time focused on oneself. Communities are a forgotten concept or reduced to small dwellings or apartments. And care and understanding for others has been reduced to a rubble.

It isn’t encouraging. With such a world view that a child sees in her early days, it is but natural for her to be self-focused and less accomodating. She likes to be on her own rather than mingle with others. And with everyone in the house busy with something or the other, it is the loneliness that engulfs her space which reduces the strengths of the bonds she has with her own family.

Time for us to think about the kind of future we want for ourselves and for our kids…