Those welled up eyes!

November 21, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Choices

November 14, 2021November 14, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Life’s about options and what we decide for ourselves about anything at a given point in time, is what a choice is.

Some choices are meant to be decisive and some innocuous.

Some choices are decided organically within us and some get enforced due to externalities.

Some choices are an outcome of what we have done in the past and some based on what we have to do in the future.

Some of them involve only ourselves and some engulf others also.

For some people, choices define them and for some others, they define their choices and their path.

How so ever it may impact us and whatever we may have done or do to arrive at what we choose, one thing that’s certain is that we have to make choices for ourselves and sometimes our loved ones innumerable times in our life.

What then should be our guiding factor to make those choices? Should it be the best outcome, the fastest approach, or the easiest option? Or should it be a middle road combining these three?

Over a conversation this week, I realised it has to be the one which makes us happy apart from being morally right. Sometimes it may be the one with the not-so-optimal outcome, or not the fastest approach, or not the easier road. But if it makes us or our loved ones happier and allows us to approach the subsequent steps with that good feeling in our mind and heart, it would have served its purpose.

For in one’s happiness lies the happiness of her loved ones and those surrounding her…

The Guiding Light

November 7, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As a young kid, I had a couple of older cousin brothers. I had some excellent times with them while growing up.

I used to rely on them for a lot of things – the stories to hear, books to read, people to follow, and so on. And what they did or how they behaved was an important input in my understanding of what or how to do.

But the biggest thing I realised I depended on them for was to guide me in various things. It gave me confidence and assurance knowing that someone whom I know well is helping me.

It was that big brother relationship that helped nurture a lot of my experiences early on in life. As we grew up, that relationship grew stronger and it helped me further make sense of multiple things in life.

This week, as we were discussing some peculiar behaviours of one of our younger cousins and how he looked up to one of us, I realised that the behaviour mimicked mine while growing up. In fact for most of us, as we matured through the years.

For some of us, this person could be a big sister or a parent or someone in the family we look up to instead of a brother. Or it could be an elder at school or college. Someone who is our guiding light.

That’s perhaps why we seek mentors when we grow up and start working. To help us stay on track in our careers.

Or why some of us start following specific gurus or leaders as we go beyond youth.

Or why a lot of older people start seeking the almighty and look for guidance.

All of us are looking for that light coming from a source which illuminates our position and our path ahead…

Handicap – for or against

October 31, 2021October 31, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was once a man who as a first generation businessman, built a small fortune for himself. As a self-made man, he had seen it all and knew what it took to get to the level that he had risen to.

However, for his children he wanted to leave no stone unturned. So he spent all the energy and money that was required to give them all the comforts of life. They had a good upbringing in a protective environment.

Time passed and as they progressed towards their adult life, the patriarch realised that in giving them a protected environment to mature in, he had done a big disservice to them. They had been handicapped because they didn’t know how to handle difficult situations, specially the adverse ones.

This is a story we would all have heard in some form or shape while growing up. Or as a live lecture from our parents about how it is really important for us to live within particular constraints and understand that it takes effort and patience to get anything in life.

It is this learning that helps us have a balanced approach towards life and wade through the many ups and downs that are thrown at us.

And yet, as we mature and become parents, with those constraints helping us realise the true value of things, we somehow start discounting this major learning.

We aspire to raise our kids with unbridled resources. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent wants the best for their kids and it is but natural for us to also feel and act in that way.

What’s to be balanced though is how to provide them enough freedom to experience tough situations and grow as an individual. Because that is what helps anyone rise up in life even when the chips are down.

That’s the real challenge of parenting today. Caring enough to let the kid have a sheltered environment in a nuclear family. While challenging them enough through handicaps, so that they understand life in its entirety.

And while it may seem like an easy task, I can vouch it isn’t. It’s not only difficult, it’s also taxing and sometimes tumultuous.

But we have got to do what we’ve got to do!

Risk!?

October 17, 2021October 17, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How much of it are you willing to take?

Is it an adventure or a danger?

Is it something to be cognisant of or to be weary of?

And is it really that important to consider or generally exaggerated?

As my father and I were having a conversation about the thought process required to start a new venture, all of these thoughts swirled in my mind.

I went back in time to check in on my own mindset when I started my venture. And the more I digged into, I realised that being a first time entrepreneur, I had not considered these questions in detail.

I had just heeded the call of my mind and heart and jumped right in. It was like jumping off the 10m board for the first time but thinking that the swimming pool is just a metre away.

Did I land with a thud? Oh, absolutely. I crashed and burned. The swimming pool I jumped into tested me in all possible ways before I could even learn to flap my hands and legs.

It was a great learning experience for me. But I didn’t plan it in advance. I didn’t do a risk analysis to figure out if I should proceed or not.

When I look back now, I realise that if I were to do this same thing again with my current outlook, I would probably do some risk analysis. Age has either corrupted me or made me much more thoughtful!

And the more I thought about this, it occurred to me that most of us weigh too much on things before deciding on the way forward. Is it a good thing to do this analysis? Yes, I believe so. It helps us become clearer in our mind.

But most of our life’s decisions need not be as thought through. While we can try and plan things in our life as much as it is possible, the best experiences happen in those moments which occur serendipitously.

In fact, those journeys that are unplanned always lend you more than you can ever gain from the planned ones.

So should we consider risk or not? Yes if it’s going to be a matter of life and death (and some of us still don’t do that). No, if it is anything smaller.

For after all, the worst thing that could happen to us if we fail, is a new experience that otherwise would have alluded us…

In Comparison.

October 10, 2021October 10, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was the summer of 96. I had just settled down into a new place and passed out of 9th grade.

It was also a season of change. There were changes everywhere and in my group of friends too, everyone was getting a new bicycle.

In those days, we used to ride our cycle to the school and pretty much everywhere. So for every kid, a bicycle was the most prized asset. In small towns across India, this used to be a pattern with kids going in for changing bicycle designs every 2-3 years.

96 was one such year. But I felt miserable. My current cycle was 4 years old now and due for an upgrade. There was a new design in town and with most of my friends now owning the new design, mine felt automatically old.

And yet, my father won’t approve of it. He explained to me that I can carry on in my current one for another year at least and he will get me a new one the following year.

I was devastated and couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t get the new model. So I again had a chat with my dad, trying to coax him. He told me to shake it off and gave me some analogies to explain that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others and rather be happy and thankful about what I have. It took some time but that lesson hit home.

I didn’t ask for a new one again until next year, when he himself readily agreed to buy one. I was overjoyed and needless to say, treated it like a prized possession.

What I didn’t realise then but do now was the way he made me understand an absolutely necessary fact of life. Stop comparing yourself to others. And be happy in all circumstances.

That lesson has stayed with me since then. Often, as is natural, the urge to see how I am faring against others crops up and tries to push me down the road less desirable. It’s only these lessons, which somewhere got etched in my memory, that have helped me reset my compass.

This week as something again propped up on the horizon and the inner voice tried to push me in that direction, I was reminded of this lesson about not to compare and held myself back. As I shook myself off that track and reminded myself to stay true to my own path, I realised that this comparative approach is often just an innate desire to prove to ourselves or to prove our worth to others.

It is a strange feeling, taking away the fun of what we have done and pushing us into a corner where our mind starts believing that we ought to do better. And more often than not, it wins in overpowering our minds and polluting it.

It is perhaps due to the fact that we have always viewed competition as virtuous. Or perhaps due to the reason that we believe in ourselves and want to outperform. Or maybe just because we see others behaving in this fashion and join them.

Whatever might be the case, we owe it to ourselves to keep a check on “these feelings” and be mindful to walk our own path.

For truly that is when we can seek and hopefully find happiness!

The Green Grass…

October 3, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It is amazing how time passes by and things still remain the same.

This weekend, as I met a couple of my Army course mates and we spent a few hours charting our courses and what has been happening in our lives, I was amazed to notice this being re-emphasized.

As it happened, after I moved out of the Armed forces and passed over to the civilian life (that is the lingo, the world separating those in uniform from those without), my life took multiple twists and turns. Some of it natural, some of it accidental, some perhaps of my own making.

But during all these times, I always held the greatest regard for what life once had in store for me on the other side of the fence. May be because of the childhood dream that was only partially fulfilled, or perhaps due to the realisation at multiple points in time that while a difficult life, the one in uniform is much more simpler and straight forward, with the path being set in front of you. The grass a lot of times appeared greener and fertile on that side, indeed.

And then there were my course mates, some of whom were not really planning to stay on in that life for long or wanted to gain more out of life. That simplicity and straight forward nature had become mundane and they wanted something out of turn. For them, the grass was greener this side of the fence.

This weekend, as we three friends sat down and spoke about what’s happening, we compared our lives, our work, our social circles, settings, and so on. And you guessed it, it was mutual admiration about the greener grass on either side.

Later on, as I was returning home, I was musing about how many times this has happened to me. While I smiled about how it keeps on repeating itself, as my thoughts ran deep, they took me to those other instances when I have wished to be on some side of the lawn which at that point of time appeared greener. Without realising that where I am standing also has a lot of blooming flowers and tiny buds awaiting to blossom. Without understanding that where I am today is because of so much effort and hard work spent toiling on the end of the lawn I am at. But with a lot of judgement that what I have done hasn’t amounted to much, in comparison to the other person.

It’s amazing that we routinely do this and then disturb our own happiness to seek the mirage that may not even be the oasis that it promises to be. Yet, we do it each time, habituated to find something that is not right in our lives. And that often leads to diversions in our path, which could otherwise had led us to the end goal that we were seeking.

Of course, it is not true for all of us. And there are some good reasons to move over to the other side, jump ships, take u-turns, or just branch off. I have done it and I am sure so have others.

What’s important though, before making that jump, is to really evaluate and identify the actual reason for the push. Is it born out of just the desire to be on the greener side of life, or is there something innate that is forcing us to uproot ourselves. If it is the latter, there are often good reasons. But if it is the former, perhaps it is time to look down and behind, to understand the colour of our own grass and it’s future!

The secret to better experiences

September 26, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Saturday morning, I and my little one got up at almost the same time and as it was the weekend, lazed around in bed “talking”.

As we spent the next 30 minutes having a hearty conversation, the topic centred around how she should speak up rather than feeling something in her heart or mind but not blurting it out. She is a sensitive child and I wanted her to understand it is ok to speak up and let the other person know if she doesn’t like something rather than bottling her feelings inside.

We got through that conversation and did multiple other things during the weekend. But the entire 2 days, this was a theme that kept recurring in my mind…

We are by nature socially active and thrive in the company of others, whether its family, friends, or colleagues. However, there are groups where we feel and act better than in others. It might be because of multiple reasons that we have different experiences in different groups, but in my analysis most of the times, the one thing that really defines the experience for me is what is the level of communication in that group.

I didn’t realize it until I had a sub-par experience during one of the most seminal phases in my youth. It wasn’t my first bad one with a group. But I was perhaps more matured than before. And as I thought about it, I had a difficult time understanding the reasoning behind why it so happened. But as I reflected back on it in solitude, I figured that the communication between me and the others in the group wasn’t really great and it contributed majorly to the experience I had.

Ever since, I figured that if I want to make the most of what any group has to offer me, I better communicate and do it well. And that has been the most important focus area for me as I passed through different experiences in the professional and business world.

What has constantly amazed me though is that most of us don’t realize the importance of communication and the role it plays. Most of the times, we take it for granted and assume that it is going to be at a de-facto good level. What we miss out is that it takes two to tango and building the right level of confidence in each other’s communication takes time and effort. And if not handled in the right manner and early enough, we can miss the boat.

In fact, not just in our professional relationships, even in personal ones, communication is the key to thrive and succeed. If we let it slide, it can soon create a crack wide enough for the relationship to get stuck there. It can happen in the best of relationships and the only way to guard against it is to be mindful of it at all times.

Critically, according to my limited experiences and from what has worked for me, just being honest and upfront works most of the times. Something that our polluted adult minds refuse to believe at times.

Perhaps we need to unshackle our minds and speak directly through our hearts to rekindle our relationships and improve trust and understanding. Or maybe, just communicate better and frequently to remove those clouds of misunderstandings that start forming every now and then.

Or probably just keeping it simple like my daughter, who promised me after my boring lecture on Saturday morning, “Ok dad, I will not keep things to myself now onwards, I will speak out and share my thoughts as it is for the other person to understand me better. I know, I will feel better that ways”…

The Inner Struggle…

September 19, 2021 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How do we choose what we choose? Why do we behave the way we do?

How do we better control our thoughts and emotions and channel them into the positive zone? Is it something that we can do to mentally train ourselves better on? Or is it a factor of our conditioning and our circumstances and not always controllable?

These questions have been on my mind more than once.

This weekend, as we sat down for a family movie night, I didn’t expect that these will be answered. But as I got up after those 2 hours, the fog had somewhat been cleared!

It was the animated movie ‘Inside Out’, which is a beautifully crafted story of how the mind behaves in different situations and reacts to them, depicted through a week in the life of a young girl.

The one answer to my questions – what we choose and do is a constant struggle within ourselves – one that we fight day in and day out. And the feeling we have conditioned ourselves to sense the most wins over more than the others.

That’s the reason, some of us get flustered even on small things while some don’t mind even bigger problems and smile them away. Or why sometimes we may get sad but recover while someone else becomes sad and goes into depression.

It is complicated!

One thing I did realise though is that the power to swing to one or the other direction is in our minds and hearts.

The power to move from being self-focussed, apprehensive, and angrier than we used to be in today’s hyperconnected yet disjointed world, to become more accepting, welcoming, and less exacting.

Or to move from the ‘rat race mindset’ so that we allow ourselves to experience happiness in the small things in our life, rather than being dissatisfied even when we have achieved something.

Or to be proud of even the small achievements that our kids have landed up with, instead of pushing them for more and more out of our desire to excel at all costs.

I am sure, all of these are, or will be, inner struggles for most of us. But winning over them and emerging on the right side is perhaps the only thing that’s important today, as we reset our lives and relations in this new world…

The Face of ME!!!

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